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  • Oct 5
    Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall,  Milwaukee
     

Honky Tonkitis

Here's where you talk to the band

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"Wow, I can't believe you found that" said Maplewood, when the photo was provided.  “Yeah, we made a good run at it, but Nashville just wasn't ready for Johnny and the Saplings.”  Maplewood recalled stories of the Nashville Jam Band Scene “before it was a scene”.  Maplewood continues, “We had a few good songs, but the powers that be on music row just didn’t wanna hear about it”.

“It stands to reason that a tune like Suzie Don’t be a Deadhead just wasn’t gonna fly after The Dead stopped touring and well, it just wasn’t gonna work” said Toys Landwater [@toys.landwater] when contacted while on tour as road manager for the World Midget Wrestling Championships.  “Yeah, those were the days alright” 

“It’s all about timing” said drummer of the Saplings Pete Cheesums.  “If we had been there just 5 years later, I really think it would have worked”  Pete went on “the band really didn’t get timing anyway.”  Pete’s face started turning red as the volume of his voice rose “I tried to introduce the concept of a metronome, even high tech quantization equipment with vocal feedback via a Roland TD-7, but these guys just marched to their own beat.”  After another sip of his Rumchata, calm returned to his face.  Pete is home recovering from a Table Tennis injury at the 2012 London Olympics.  “no, I don’t play, I collect the balls” quipped Cheesums.

When asked about a reunion, Mapleood would only respond “why!?!?”

Well, I guess all we can hope for is a Honkytonk version of “I lie on the phone”

 

Local band Honky Tonkitis was in mourning Thursday after their lead singer, Johnny Maplewood, was declared brain dead. 

"We still can't believe it," guitarist Bruce Dean announced, shaking his head. "One minute, he's talking to us, plucking his bass, and the next minute, bang, he's no longer there."

"We did the best we could at the time," fiddle player Tom Hansen added. "As soon as we sensed something was wrong, we called 911. As soon as we hung up with them, we were calling his family, telling them to come immediately."

"It was surreal, how fast things went downhill," drummer Kurt Weber said, "Johnny was talking about new songs he wanted to show us. Then, all of a sudden, he's talking about a song he wrote that sounds like Honky Tonk Badonkadonk. God, if we hadn't thought he was joking, if we'd realized how awful this would become, maybe we could have saved him."

"By the time he was showing us the chord changes to some song he called, Git 'R Done, we were on the phone with the paramedics. By then we knew something was tragically wrong," accordion player Don Turner recounted.

"It wasn't until thirty minutes later, at the hospital, while he was singing some new tune he wanted to do called Tequila in the Back of My Pickup that the doctor declared him brain dead," Dean recalled, his voice catching in his throat.

"At this point, I just feel sorry for his family," Weber added. "Although his brain has stopped functioning, his body still continues on. It's like, not aware that he's dead. Just today, he announced that he wants to go to Nashville to record our next album. His poor family."

Funeral services were scheduled for Saturday. Doctors confirmed the diagnosis of brain death for Maplewood when he announced he would be willing to sing Kenny Chesney selections at the wake.

The remaining  members of Honky Tonkitis have not yet announced a replacement.

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Maplewood: Have country roads finally taken him home?

Doghouse Flowers will be playing with us on Saturday, Feb. 16th at Kochanski's. Check out the vid below. SHOCKER: Our accordion player, Don Turner, makes a surprise appearance in the video thirty-eight seconds in! That guy's always trying to steal the limelight!

Fiddle player Tom Hansen of local group Honky Tonkitis has a new reason to smile this week: He's going home with a lot of fans.

"Well, my action figure is, at least," Hansen says with a grin.

In fact, Hansen's action figure has been outselling the rest of the Honky Tonkitis action figures combined.

"The man's a whore," singer Johnny Maplewood rudely commented.

"He's rigging the system by buying them himself," accordion player Don Turner added.

"Except for the five I bought," Maplewood countered. "Hey Tom, you know why I smell like burnt plastic? 'Cos I threw them all in the fire last night, I hate you so much."

If sales of the Hansen doll continue at the current rate, the action figure should sell out by the end of the week.

"Sold out, hunh? See? There's another way it's just like you, Tom," drummer Kurt Weber injected.

Hansen had his own theories why his action figure generated such greater sales.

"I think it's just that people see themselves as the fiddle player. Young kids want to be in that role in a honky tonk band."

"It's because your doll's the only one that's not anatomically correct," Guitarist Bruce Dean snapped back, "They strip the clothes off the doll right away and wonder what the hell's wrong with you."

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Tom Hansen action figure: What kids want from a honky tonk band?

Here's Doghouse Flowers, the band we're going to be dueling on Saturday, February 16th, at Kochanski's. More to come!

We got a great review and synopsis of the band from Steve at the Australian company, Yesterday and Today Records, and we wanted to share it with you:

Three albums by what may be the definitive honky tonk group in the very big sub-category of “drinking songs”. And they are great at what they do. They remind a little of the Cornell Hurd Group and in Yesterday & Today speak that means about as good as you can get. All feature classic album covers, which will leave no one guessing as far as content is concerned.  Like the Cornell Hurd Band there is plenty of humour. Not the dopey Nashville embarrassing “you think my tractor’s sexy” cringe thing but the good natured banter that we all love.

They may not be Australian but their humour will appeal. They are not shy in including country royalty in their songs, for example “What Would George Jones Do”, “Praying in the House of Hank” and Johnny Cash Would Kick Your Ass” are from “Alcohol & Heartbreak. They are also able to use the witty play on words to great effect, eg “Shotgun Divorce” & “Alimony Is a Four Letter Word”....And for Quakers Hill Red Pete be known they are great value with heaps of tracks...17, 15 & 16 respectively. They have some great instrumental subtlety too & kudos must go to accordion player Don Turner.

http://www.yesterdayandtoday.com.au/index.php

Love the twisted idea of this song, the twist being that this guy lost his girl to a honky tonk, rather than another man. Swinging Doors did this from a first-person perspective, but rarely is the female in the relationship the one lost to drinking and carousing.

It took Johnny Cash to help us understand and appreciate Depeche Mode.

Ah yes, Shorty Bacon. Great name for country music. Not the best name for an adult film star.

Country music singer Blake Shelton continued to make waves Tuesday when he announced that he would return his 2010 CMA Vocalist of the Year award if the Country Music Association and Nashville in general continued to ignore musical group Insane Clown Posse.

Blake Shelton

"The fact that Insane Clown Posse is at the forefront of country music and can't get the time of day from Nashville and the Country Music Association is a tragedy of the highest order. Can you believe this talented band has never been asked to play the Grand Ole Opry? Not once? Hell, even such country music outsiders as Ray Price have been asked to play the Opry!" Shelton ranted.

Insane Clown Posse, known for such songs as Bitches, Over A Bitch, My Kind of Bitch, Bitch I Lied, Birthday Bitches,  Nuttin' But A Bitch Thang, and Santa's A Fat Bitch, continued their silence on the issue.

"I buy these records. Grandpa should buy these records. Young kids should buy these records. This is the future of country music. Hell, I'm so angry right now, I'm going to go out and buy these records all over again. Personally, I can't get enough of such Insane Clown Posse classics as Bugz on my Nutz. That right there is a country gem."

The Country Music Association has yet to issue a response to Shelton's pleas.

"If these old farts at the CMA's can't see that Insane Clown Posse is the future of country music, well then, I'm not the future of country music," Shelton concluded.

Insane Clown Posse

Insane Clown Posse: Is Nashville the bugz on their nutz?

This isn't honky tonk-related whatsoever. It's just damn funny and a catchy song.

We played our first show with Bruce Dean on guitar last Friday night and it was an excellent show! Bruce walked in and filled the guitar spot like he'd owned it his entire life. We played more than three hours of music, incorporating in a little Cure, the Hamm's beer theme song, and a version of Hank Williams' Ramblin' Man. Head over to our Jukebox page right now to hear our version of this song from last Friday night.

Hank Williams

Anybody who came to our show last Friday night will recall that this tune came up after we saw some guy drinking a Hamm's. Then things got a little out of control when he asked us to play I've Been Everywhere again (since he missed it at the beginning of the show)...so we agreed to do it, as long as he bought the whole band a round of Hamm's. Ouch! What can we say about the next morning? Hangover Hamm's!

But that Hamm's beer must've gone straight to our heads, because we played the Hamm's theme song you see in this video about three or four times that night. Hi-larious!

Johnny Cash Saturday! A hard-to-find version of Johnny doing a live version of I've Been Everywhere.

Local band Honky Tonkitis announced today the release of new material. Surprisingly, this was not a new CD or T-shirt or sticker, but rather a collection of scented candles.

"We wanted to go in a more ephemeral and spiritual direction," singer Johnny Maplewood said. "We want the Honky Tonkitis customer to actually feel like they are in a honky tonk while listening to our music in a home setting. Or just transforming their local bar into one with more of a honky tonk mood. A lot of that can be established just through smell. Or getting some drunk guy to sit next to you and talk drunken nonsense to you."

"I can tell you from personal experience that these scented candles really do the job, literally," guitarist Bruce Dean noted. "I haven't left my house for the last five days, my drinking's way up, my wife won't talk to me, and my job is in jeapardy. I've never felt more like I'm in a honky tonk."

The scented candles will be available in the following aromas: Pabst, urinal, cigarette butts, Johnny Walker, Regret, Loneliness, Shame and Gonorrhea.

"My personal fave is the Gonorrhea," accordion player Don Turner remarked. "Boy, does that one bring back old times. Whoo! Better to smell it than to feel it!"

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The only thing better than classic honky tonk? Classic female honky tonk.

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Local drummer Kurt Weber of the band Honky Tonkitis held a press conference Tuesday to make a startling revelation.

"There's a secret I've been hiding for a long time, but I feel it's time to throw that door open and reveal the truth. I'm a muppet."

It turns out that not only is Weber a muppet, but that he is, in fact, Ernie of Sesame Street fame.

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Response from the band was immediate and extreme.

"If Kurt, I mean Ernie, had hidden that he was a puppet, I would've been all right with that," singer Johnny Maplewood commented angrily. "If he had hidden that he was a marionette, I would've been angry, but I could have gotten over it. But the fact that he hid that he was a muppet, that's unforgivable."

"It certainly explains a lot," fiddle player Tom Hansen noted. "I always wondered why he had a stick hanging from each of his hands. I thought they were just spare drumsticks. Turns out it was how his arms moved."

"Not to mention why he had a big 'E' on the front of his drumset," accordion player Don Turner added, "because Honky Tonkitis starts with an 'H'. 'H' is the first letter of 'Honky Tonkitis.' It makes the 'hhhhh' sound. It also happens to be the sponsor of the day, along with the number three."

 "It's been hard, living this lie," Kurt/Ernie sighed, "But nothing compared to trying to explain my relationship with Burt to my wife."

Members of Honky Tonkitis reported Saturday that effective immediately, singer Johnny Maplewood was leaving the band and being replaced by former Styx singer/keyboardist Dennis DeYoung.

"Things between Maplewood and the rest of the band just weren't working. We'd made repeated offers to Dennis DeYoung to take his place, and Dennis finally agreed," drummer Kurt Weber reported.

When contacted, DeYoung made the following statement: "What else can I say to this band, other than Domo arigato! These are the best of times! All I can do is hope that Honky Tonkitis will give me the strength and the courage to believe that I'll get there someday."

Maplewood had positive comments about his departure as well.

"This has worked out for the best. I'm immediately going on tour with ZZ Top. You know in their songs like Sharp Dressed Man where you've got that low voice that goes, 'yeh-hah,' or in La Grange with 'A-how-how-how?' That's going to be me!"

"We're hoping that this is the end to all our problems," accordion player Don Turner commented. "I mean we just got rid of a total pain-in-the neck singer with control issues in exchange for a guy who was fired from Styx. What could possibly go wrong?" 

DeYoung had this to say in closing about his new position in the band: "I'll try, oh Lord, I'll try."

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Dennis DeYoung: You know it's you, babe.

The Wilburn Brothers are one of the big inspirations for our albums. Along with Porter Wagoner (whose album was decidely more about facing the consequences), the Wilburn Brothers put out a great album based entirely around drinking songs.

Plus, this is a classic cover. They just look like they're up to some serious trouble that's about to get them arrested.

NOTE: Do NOTE pay an $30 to buy this album. There are more than enough copies floating around on eBay and in used record stores for a few bucks that you don't need to spend a ton to buy it on vinyl.

It's Johnny Cash Saturday! What better way to greet the day than listing to Johnny Cash singing in Spanish!

The issue of the skyrocketing National Debt came into focus Thursday when members of local band, Hanky Tonkitis, made the grand promise of paying off the National Debt.

"It's something we're committed to," singer Johnny Maplewood announced, " But it comes with a quid pro quo: we expect five thousand Facebook 'likes' before we'll pay it off."

When Maplewood was told that currently the National Debt stands at more than thirteen trillion dollars, something that was virtually impossible to be paid off in any number of lifetimes, Maplewood responded, "Yeah, but have you tried getting five thousands 'likes' on Facebook? Now THAT'S challenging."

"I'm thinking we just all have to dig in on this thing. Maybe if each person who reads this goes out and 'likes' Honky Tonkitis once or twice a day and tells all their friends to do the same, we'll have this five thousand 'likes' thing licked in a couple years. Then the band can get down to the business of paying off the National Debt. C'mon, it can't be that hard."

When asked how the band expected to raise the more than thirteen trillion dollars, guitarist Bruce Dean quipped, "Well, we were planning on having a two-for-one special sale on our CD's, and Don, our accordion player, was planning on getting a job at night stacking shelves at the supermarket. We're also planning a car wash once the weather's warmer and maybe doing a benefit concert."

After reiterating to the group that paying off the national debt would today cost more than $52,000 per American citizen, drummer Kurt Weber replied, "You people just don't get it, do you? We're talking FIVE THOUSAND LIKES ON FACEBOOK. That's like, one Like for five thousand American citizens. Let's try to climb that mountain first, okay?"

 

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Love this tune. Great, simple production. Tony's got a great voice. This whole album is controlled by Treece's voice. Wish there was more by this guy out there. The point of view is great. This guy sings a whole song about how he's done with this woman while still admitting around the edges that he's still depressed that she's gone. Great set-up. This is what makes honky tonk music great.

Local group Honky Tonkitis announced Monday that they are to appear on the upcoming Downton Abbey soundtrack.

"We're pleased and honored to have one of our songs representing the music of such an esteemed and popular BBC television show," the statement read, "We can only hope that new listeners come to enjoy and associate our music with this wonderful broadcast."

When asked what he thought of the show, accordion player Don Turner said, "I haven't been able to watch anything since I kicked in my television after that last Packer game. I'm assuming it's something about Abbey Road in downtown England. Are the Beatles in it?"

"I haven't actually written the song yet," singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "They've been screaming at me about the deadline. I'll probably just pull something out of my butt by tonight. Whatever. We're so thrilled."

The tentative title for the song to be featured on the soundtrack is I Puked My Port Into A Chamber Pot.

What the hell are they shouting in the background at :40? It almost sounds like "No!", like someone made a mistake on one of the takes on piano or something. It may just be the bed tracks for instruments when he was singing a guide track and he sang the chorus with the word "not" a little faster than we hear on the lead vocal track. Whatever. We need more errors like this left in music. Much like in the Beatles, "Hey Jude," when McCartney says "Fu*#ing hell!" in the background early on in the song." You'll find these kind of errors all over our recordings. But that's just because we're lazy and don't clean them up.

On Friday a new Gallup poll found Congress began 2013 with a 14% approval rating, now polling below local group Honky Tonkitis with the American people.

"Yes! In your face, Congress!" Maplewood exclaimed, while high-fiving fellow band member Don Turner.

"Now you know how it feels, suckas," Turner replied, "Maybe next time you won't so quick to legislate us like we're a bunch of losers."

Honky Tonkitis plans to use the polling numbers to promote their quickly-crafted topical single, "I Gave Up Congress for Honky Tonkitis," which will be rush-released to stores and the internet on Tuesday.

Drummer Kurt Weber concluded: "It's time for Congress to recognize our top 14% status and pass the following legislation we have been pushing: Make Beans and Beer for Breakfast the national anthem, adding Buck Owens' image to the $500 bill, and assigning Kate Upton as the National Secretary of Hawtness." 

This song falls under the heading "evil bastard" honky tonk. Cheating brought to a whole new level by continuing the cheating while betraying the woman he's cheating with. Classy. And a great song.

Johnny Cash Saturday! This is one of our fave early Cash tunes. Wide Open Road just never got the appreciation or attention that some of his other early tunes did...perhaps because it's kind of a downer thematically. Who knows? Those people in the 50's were a whole other animal. You gotta remember that the big hits on the radio ignored stuff like Little Richard in favor of stuff like "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window." Whatever. This is a great song. And lordy, that woman was spending way too much money on hats and cat food!

A potentially deadly home invasion was indirectly averted last Wednesday by local band Honky Tonkitis.

Kohlsville resident Rebecca Bay was home alone when multiple gunmen burst into her home.

"I was just putting the laundry in the drier when I looked out my window and saw four intruders kicking in my front door, armed with assault rifles."

Bay, who was not near a phone, crawled into her son's bedroom.

"Not having access to a phone or an exit, the only thing I could think to do was create as much noise as possible in the hopes of alerting neighbors. I feared for my life."

Bay ended up turning up her son's stereo full blast.

"It just so happened that he had received the Honky Tonkitis album, Alcohol & Heartbreak as a practical joke from a friend. I cranked it up as loud as I could."

Whatever Bay expected as an outcome, she didn't expect what happened next.

"All four intruders ran for their lives. Blood seemed to be coming from their ears. From what it looked like, they were all covering their ears, screaming in pain, although I can't know for sure because I myself was screaming in pain."

Bay suffered no permanent hearing loss. The only lasting trauma she endured seemed to be from the music.

"That album, Alcohol & Heartbreak. I can't sleep at night any more. It's the worst thing. Although I guess I should thank those musicians for creating music that drove attackers from my home, it's had an unintended side effect of traumatizing me forever."

Bay has looked into filing assault charges against Honky Tonkitis.

"I guess if I had it to do all over again, I'd rather face the attackers."

Although Bay's story has been widely publicized, sales of Honky Tonkitis' Alcohol & Heartbreak have actually fallen nationally at Wal-Mart stores.

Some honky tonk songs win the blue ribbon simply for coming from a unique perspective. Granted, that isn't the only qualifier. The song also has to be able to sell that perspective. This is one of those songs that does both, while also having a decent musical arrangement. A lot of times, these songs end up being identified by listeners as winners and they become hits. A good example would be a song like Swinging Doors. Here's one that didn't necessarily become a big hit, but probably should have.

Local honky tonk singer Johnny Maplewood was taken into custody Tuesday for violating the terms of his parole.

"No one was injured. No one was harmed. The only person violated was me," Maplewood argued while being led away by police.

Police made the arrest after receiving complaints of a crowd getting out of hand in a local tavern. While investigating, it was determined that Maplewood was at the center of the incident. After detaining Maplewood, police discovered the parole violation and made the arrest. 

"This is all just a big misunderstanding," Maplewood reiterated. "I'm sure this can all be straightened out in no time. There's no reason to arrest me."

Nevertheless, Maplewood was taken into custody for violating parole terms that require that he abstain from dressing like a clown in public.

"Technically, I am not dressed as a clown. I'm dressed as a mime," Maplewood commented, as he was led away by police.

Maplewood is expected to appear in court Wednesday. 

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Extremely cruel prank but extremely well played.

On Wednesday of this week, local fiddle player Tom Hansen of the group Honky Tonkitis, declared his status in the band as "token white" member."

"That's just like that cracker," accordionist Don Turner remarked, "always lording it over us. 'Don, do this, Don, do that, Don, go get me a beer.' Well, I've had it!"

New guitarist Bruce Dean had this to say: "I've been with these guys like five minutes and we already got one guy who's too big for his britches...and it's not me! That's MY job!"

Singer Johnny Maplewood tried to tamp down the strong mood of the band by explaining, "Look, in every honky tonk band it's good to have at least one token white member. It keeps people from getting a little nervous in the bars and juke joints, and it helps keep the pressure off the stores that sell our records. Granted, all of the guys in this band are white, but it still helps to have a token white, even if that token white guy happens to be the biggest jerk in this band."

"I say we slap that honky back in his place," drummer Kurt Weber interrupted, "You want to go get all uppity on us? We'll show him where he needs to be. I'll play drums on that white ass till it turns red!"

"It's always like this for the token white member of a band," Hansen concluded. "I just want to be treated like any other member, granted, the token white member, but the man just has to keep putting me down."

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Tom Hansen: Too fly for a white guy?

Johnny Cash Saturday!

Last night, 3/5 of the band (Bruce, Don and Johnny) decided to practice at Kochanski's for a change. Quicker delivery of drinks! Thanks for letting us come down for the visit, Andy. We may do this again in the future with more and more band members as we get closer to our next show. This Chuck Wood guy really has some songs that grow on you.

New Honky Tonkitis guitarist Bruce Dean recently acquired the Baritone guitar of former Honky Tonkitis guitarist Chris Conrad.

"I like the way it sparkles and has all those colors on it," Dean commented. "It did show up out of tune. All of the strings were off by one. The lowest string was a B instead of E, and so on. But I'm taking care of the problem. I'm having a luthier chop off a couple of frets on the neck so that I can restring it the correct way. Then it should play really nice, at least on the first couple of frets. The rest will be completely out of tune."

Dean noted he was also interested in purchasing Conrad's amplifiers, foot pedals, cables and stage clothes. 

"I was always fascinated by the way Conrad dressed on stage. He's a foot taller than me, but I figure I can make it all work for me with a bunch of safety pins and kleenex in the end of his shoes. I figure by the time I'm done, people won't even know Chris is gone."

Happy 2013 ya big hungover crabs!

We've added a new date to the calendar...January 25th...and we're thinking of making this an Early Bird show starting at 8pm, allowing some of you people who work on an early work schedule to come out and see us before you have to go home and crash.

This will also be the year of Bruce Dean on electric guitar. You'll see him in action on the 25th...although you would've already seen him if you attended our show at the Polish Pile-Up car show last July (temperature: 95 degrees...yow!).

So stop your whining and get yourself a bloody mary. Then go change into your swimsuit...there's a polar bear plunge needing to be done somewhere nearby!

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With tension mounting and time running out, local musical group Honky Tonkitis made the announcement today that they were setting their own ultimatum over the looming Fiscal Cliff.

"We've got to put the hammer down on this thing. Our representatives are twiddling their thumbs while we rev up the economic four by four's of this great country in an effort to fly off this fiscal cliff with the nitro burning funny car at max. The only thing is: this time it ain't funny," guitarist Bruce Dean stated.

"They're taking us into an economic territory that could lead to our downfall," fiddle player Tom Hansen added, "all we're saying is, you don't want to go there. Don't force us to do something you would regret."

"Tonight's gonna be one big kiss-off for this country," accordionist Don Turner announced, "But I'm only reading this off a piece of paper. This sounds awesome for me. Ladies, moisten those lips and line up in front of the Don!"

"Frankly, I don't care what happens," drummer Kurt Weber muttered, "More cheap drum sets for me."

"Whatever the case," Maplewood concluded, "If Congress does not work to avert this fiscal cliff, we'll have nothing left to do but respond with Jazz Oddessey. And no one wants to see that."

Ah. A punk classic from our childhoods.

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Local musical group Honky Tonkitis announced Thursday that they had been surprised by an extremely large pre-Christmas order of their CD's.

"I still can't believe it. This was a massive order by one purchaser," lead singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "It came close to depleting our whole stock. Alcohol & Heartbreak, Deep End of the Bottle, even You Drink and Drive Me Crazy. And no one ever wants that one."

"It just goes to show that there are people out there who appreciate good ol' honky tonk music," fiddle player Tom Hansen added. "It really makes me regret that we decided to hold off on recording that holiday CD we were going to do: A Very Kwanzaa Honky Tonk."

"We're so very grateful that this happened. This means my kid will actually get something for Christmas other than a sock puppet," drummer Kurt Weber concluded. "We tried to contact this very northern purchaser to see what they were doing with all the CD's. Their only response was, 'cheaper than coal.'"

There's a handful of different versions of this song by different artists. This one is our favorite.

Local honky tonk group, Honky Tonkitis, today announced the upcoming release of a book about the band.

Local writer and illustrator Rebecca Troeller, who has published more than forty books in this format, had this to say about the band: "I really respect this band. I did a lot of research into each of the member's background to put this book together. I wanted to accurately reflect each of the members as an individual and the band as a whole. I really think this could bring them to a brand new audience around the world."

"Wow. We're just surprised and really pleased by this," bassist and singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but we have the greatest of respect for Rebecca. She didn't tell us that she was working on it when she was doing extensive interviews with the band. The fact that someone would go to these lengths to document our group and get this published so quickly is very humbling for us. We're hoping it does well on Amazon. Believe me, we'll be first in line to buy copies for our families."

 Honky_Tonkitis_Coloring_Book1_resized.jpg

Secret video was taken of the show last Friday night, and here's how Chris quit the band. Embarrassing!

Thanks to all of you great people who came out to see Conrad's last show with us last Friday night! We'd also say Bruce Dean's first show with us, but he's performed with us any number of times before, including on lead guitar last summer. 

It was a blast having Conrad play that show. He was in top form on guitar. Chris will definitely be missed. And he was selling shots from a bottle of Rye we bought him with the proceeds going to the Milwaukee Humane Society. They'll use the money to teach the dogs how to play poker.

We recorded Friday night's show and have gotten a chance to mix it since then. We may put a few of the tunes up on honkytonitis.net in the next couple days. A few new tunes made it into the show, including Hank Williams' "Ramblin' Man," Hank Thompson's "Six Pack to Go" and a godawful verse and chorus of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" before we jumped into "I Wanna Marry a Bartender." We had quite a singalong from the crowd on that last one. It must have sounded good if you were drinking!

Tentatively, our next show is January 25th. We'll let you know in the coming weeks if that's a go for sure.

Yay. Now we get to do another photo session. And what're we gonna do with all those posters we still have?

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More Bobby Hodge. We can't get enough of this guy!

Johnny Cash Saturday! Arguably, this clip is from the era of Johnny Cash at his peak. But you can also see from his gaunt frame that he was also probably at the height of his drug use as well. According to his autobiography, Johnny noted that you could always tell the amount of drugs he was on by his weight, or lack thereof. Whatever the case, this is a great performance of the song. Wish we could see more of these types of live performances these days. Talk about playing without a net!

Tonight! Your last night to see Chris Conrad perform with Honky Tonkitis! As an added bonus, one lucky person will be going home with Chris' midget MGB! Bruce Dean will also be there to give you a taste of his guitar skills for our future.

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Chris Conrad, guitarist for Milwaukee group Honky Tonkitis, was severely beaten by members of his own band Tuesday when he announced at practice that he was betting against the Packers in next Sunday's game.

"All I said was that I had $200 on Chicago by four points. The next thing I knew, they had me on the floor and they were all kicking and punching me."

Band fiddle player, Tom Hanson, was the only member of the group to comment on Conrad's accusation, saying, "He started badmouthing the Pack and I saw red. I saw red."

Recovering at home, Conrad has not decided whether he will file charges.

"A lot of it depends on how the game goes. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be swimming in dough come Sunday night. But if not, I'll probably take the band to small claims court. My jaw still hurts and they kinda messed up my guitar. But we've also got a pretty sweet gig next week and we're getting free beer."

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Chris Conrad: sweet home Chicago?

Local guitarist Chris Conrad of the group Honky Tonkitis announced his departure from the band on Monday. Key to making the decision, Conrad stated, was that he found performing with the group more boring than working on cars.

"There'd be times when we were all partying, I'd have like, five women in my face, and all I could think of was installing that new transmission on my midget racer."

"The band would remark that I'd played a great guitar solo in some song during a sold-out performance, and all I remember was dreaming about tracing down that faulty wiring leading to the taillights."

"Sure, there's the stardom, the worship, the booze, the travel, meeting famous people, gorgeous women, and the money. But at the end of the day, it just doesn't hold a candle to installing a new gas tank. Especially when holding a candle to a new gas tank may cause it blow up."

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Midget racer: much less boring than this:

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Come out and join us this Friday, December 14th, at Kochanski’s Concertina Beer Hall.  This will be my last show with the band that has redefined Honky Tonk music in Milwaukee. 

It’s been a great ride, working with Honky Tonkitis these last five years.  Together, John, Kurt, Tommy, Don, Jason and I have played countless shows to wonderful audiences throughout Wisconsin and Northern Illinois.  We’ve had the great pleasure of sharing shows with some of the best up and coming Country and Rockabilly bands in the Midwest, and I have cemented numerous friendships and relationships which I know will last a lifetime. 

Honkytonkitis has also had our music played on local, regional and international radio and webcast services.  The trajectory for the band is clearly on the rise, and that’s what has made my decision to leave so heart wrenching. 

As most of you know, I have been involved in a long term project involving a Land Speed Record on the Bonneville Salt Flats.  It’s been a dream of mine for years – to build a competitive race car and put it in the record books.

 http://www.mossmotoring.com/reaching-for-the-top/

http://www.landracing.com/forum/index.php/topic,4087.0.html

In order to do this and do it right, I need to dedicate more of my time to promotion and sponsorship of the project.  It is going to take long evenings and weekends of persistent work, and that time is in direct conflict with the path being followed by Honkytonkitis.

What I think is the big upside for the band is that Bruce Dean is stepping in.  Bruce brings to the table not only solid guitar AND baritone guitar chops, but also a great voice, and mandolin and banjo abilities.  Bruce will unquestioningly bring a dynamic to the band that few other musicians could match.   

 So if you’re free this Friday, stop out to Kochanski’s.  We’ll be hitting the stage at about 9:00 PM.  I’d love to see you before I trade my Nudie suit and cowboy hat in for a fire suit and helmet.

Chris Conrad

COMING TUESDAY: Local guitarist finds honky tonk band even more boring than cars.

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More Bobby Hodge. This guy grows on you!

Johnny Cash Saturday! This song could be the pinnacle of Johnny Cash's later career. This song is so powerful. Great presentation. 

Well, not really, but it would probably look like this:

At an official Honky Tonkitis press conference today, guitarist Chris Conrad made the following stunning announcement:

"Although most of you know me as Chris Conrad, I have been, in fact, living a lie for the past three years as a member of Honky Tonkitis. This is not my true name, nor my true identity."

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With that, Conrad stepped in front of the podium and pulled away his mask to reveal his true identity:

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"Dude! I've been playing in a band with Buckethead the past three years?" singer Johnny Maplewood exclaimed, "How freaking cool is that!"

Members of the group were not able to respond as to whether this meant that Conrad/Buckethead was now leaving the band.

"I've appreciated Mr. Head's playing style during his time with the band," fiddle player Tom Hansen commented, "I'm hoping he keeps playing with us, although that mask really creeps me out."

Buckethead refused to answer any more questions about his revelation, but took five minutes to perform an incredibly complex solo guitar arrangement that left members of the press and band waving lighters and screaming for more.

We think the hurt'n place is something that gets kicked by her every night. Good think we hide a bottle of whiskey there. It helps soften the blow.

In surprising news today, Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, is out as official spokesmodel for Suave Shampoo for men.

 Kurt Weber

The clean-cut, closely-cropped Weber will be replaced by Clay Matthews, long-haired hippie and Superbowl veteran of the Green Bay Packers.

Clay Matthews, long-haired hippee

No word yet on whether Weber Grills are seeking to terminate the Honky Tonkitis drummer as their spokesman as well.

Yet another song by George we'd never heard. Great tune!

Live Johnny Cash is the best Johnny Cash. Check out the hotties sitting in front of the fireplace.

Hey kids!

Now you too can create your own honky tonk song with a little help from the boys at Honky Tonkitis! Go ahead and fill in the requested words below and you're well on your way to writing your first hit honky tonk song! (Honky Tonkitis takes no responsibility for the words "hit," "honky tonk," or "song.)

 

I'm drinking _______________, and it's wrecking my whole life,

             brand of alcohol

My baby's ______________, and it's causing me some strife,

            painful verb

I'm begging baby, won't you ___________________,

                             fix stuff verb

Before we _____________________________________________.

          Messed-up results that rhyme with fix stuff verb

CHORUS

Darlin', you hold my _______________ in your hands,

                      body organ

And the tears they _________ with every squeeze,

                    verb

Darlin' why don't you hold my ________________ instead,

                              alcoholic drink

Or I'll be dead, or on my knees

Love these clips from the Buck Owens Ranch Show. Tommy Collins is so great. Look for his stuff on CD and download. Totally worth it.

Lotsa news!

First, we tried to add a video to our homepage and discovered that people visiting thought it was our daily entry, so they got peeved that we weren't updating our daily entry and gave up! Guys, all you had to do was scroll down a little more to see our daily entries never stopped! Or maybe you're all just sick of us. Anywho, we moved our vid off the homepage and into our bio. Now the newbies who want to see a vid of the band in a regular place can try to go discover it there. Thanks, guys!

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Second, we're saying goodbye in December to our guitarist, Chris Conrad. He's been with us since we started this band. Chris plans on spending more of his time on his love of midget car racing (they're midget cars--Chris isn't betting on little people in races), which we all find extremely hilarious for a guy who's six-and-a-half feet tall. But anybody who's seen Chris' garage or read his articles (check out our links page) about midget car racing knows he's got a deep passion for it. He wants to spend more of his time building and racing. I guess honky tonk takes a back seat...as if one existed in those cars! Anyway, we love Chris and he will be sorely missed.

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Third, Chris will be making his final appearance with the band at our December 14th show at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall. Come on down that night and buy him a drink. Let's get him plowed. Then we'll pour him in one of our cars and give him a ride home. The next afternoon we won't tell him what happened to his guitars!

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Fourth, no one else is leaving the band, no matter how much they beg and complain. But we are taking on Bruce Dean on the guitar. Some of you may have seen Bruce play with us from time to time, either on accordion, mandolin, or guitar. He's been on all of our albums on one instrument or another, so he was a natural choice when we knew we needed a new guitarist. We're glad he said yes. We plan to torture him for as long as we can. He'll also be adding backing vocals to the band...something we've never had before. Goodbye, Statler box!

Here's a tune that Honky Tonkitis is learning in earnest. Ever since some guy blurted it out at a show. You can find that train wreck of a version of it in our Jukebox. Don't say we didn't warn you.

By the way, if you checked out Hanksgiving at Kochanski's last Wednesday night...like we told you to do...you would've seen Honky Tonkitis make an appearance and play five songs, including Hank Sr.'s Ramblin' Man and I Saw the Light. Ah well, you can always see us again at Kochanski's on December 14th.

Shocking news for the group Honky Tonkitis, Tuesday, involving fiddle player Tom Hansen announced a serious medical accident that has doctors and scientists puzzled.

The incident began when Hansen's violin was unexpectedly bombarded by massive amounts of Gamma radiation in a lab experiment. Although it appeared to have no negative consequences at first, it soon became apparent that any time Hansen began feeling stressed or angry, his 5'9", 120lb body was transformed to that of ragaing 6'6" 220 pound unthinking, hulking monster that calls itself "Conrad."

The first such transformation occurred on stage at a recent Bay View event after Hansen played a particularly sour note on his violin. Spectators observed Hansen grow agitated before suddenly convulsing and appearing to grow in size and stature to something more like a raging beast.

"I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," bystander Brian Smith reported, "One minute he's a mild-mannered fiddle player pulling a great run on Orange Blossom Special and the next minute he's this giant with a guitar screaming, 'Conrad SMASH! Conrad DESTROY!'"

After a set of bellowing and playing guitar with the group, the humongous brute lumbered off stage, appearing to vanish. A short time later, Hansen was found backstage in a numbed state, wearing nothing but an oversized pair of purple pants.

Efforts to get an explanation for the incident out of Hansen only resulted in him providing a short response: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Police are still investigating.

Tom Hansen: Man...

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or Monster?

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Johnnie Humbird. Thanks again to Radovichy for directing us to this great music.

It's Johnny Cash Saturday! Time to show a vid we missed while it was out there and white-hot. 

"Kind of evil makes me want to grab my sub-mochine." Yep, that is truly a mean evil.

George Jones! Great tune performed by the honky tonk master.

Local fiddle player Tom Hansen of the group Honky Tonkitis announced he will be appearing in the NFL Thanksgiving day halftime show during the Detroit Lions home game against the Houston Texans.

"I'm really excited to be playing at what will most likely be the most well-attended and most-watched performance of my career," Hansen said Wednesday.

"A lot of hard work, dedication and just plain elbow grease went into creating and building this performance, one uniquely shaped around my specific talents," Hansen explained.

"We're all really excited for Tom and wish him the best of luck," Honky Tonkitis singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "I'll have my Tivo on 'record' and I'll be silently praying for Tom to 'break a leg,' as they say."

Hansen will be performing a version of The Power of Love, a song made famous by 80's band Huey Louis and the News, with the halftime group, Up With Fiddles, a midwestern violin ensemble that promotes positive life choices through the use of the violin.

"There's eighty-two of us marching on the field. You can find me in section eight, row two, fourth from the left. You'll know it's me because I'll be wearing a red ribbon on my lapel," Hansen concluded.

"I'll be there as well," accordion player Don Turner announced. "I'll be the guy in the stands throwing crap at Tom."

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Tom Hansen: Don't take money, don't take fame.

Happy pre-Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tonight at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall in Milwaukee, they'll be celebrating Hanksgiving! That's right, the night is dedicated to live versions of songs by any of the three Hanks!

Raising food and money for The Hunger Task Force. Lots of musicians from around Wisconsin do versions of songs done by no one "Hank" in particular.


$10 cover/ $5 and 5 non-parishable food items.

Come on down and hear it for yourself.

Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall

37th & Burnham

Milwaukee, WI

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Let's hear one from the man who basically gave birth to our band (ewwww...)

Play it, Carl!

For one day only, this Black Friday, Tom Hansen is available for a shocking 58% off.

"This is a special like you never thought you'd see," Hansen was quoted as saying, "For one day only, I will rock your world for a shocking 58% off."

Although other members of the band, Honky Tonkitis, were available for a significant mark-down for the one day only post-Thanksgiving sale, shock and resentment ran through the group after Hansen made the announcement.

Honky Tonkitis' accordion player, Don Turner, who was marked down 25% for the Black Friday special, was heard to murmer, "I always knew Tom was cheap, but I never thought he'd stoop so low. That slut."

Despite the resentment among members of the group, sales experts predicted long lines that grew early as the special shopping date loomed. General concensus among shoppers already waiting was that the added markdown on Hansen would sway the outcome of their purchases. Local shopper Lynn Simmers commented, "originally I was going to make my way immediately over to the Conrad aisle, but hey, 58% off Tom? How can I pass up a deal like that?"

"Tom may talk all high and mighty about his 'special deals' and 'looking out for the value-added shopper'", lead singer Johnny Maplewood remarked, "but that boy is nothing but cheap goods. I wouldn't touch that skank with a ten foot pole. Not for 58%, not for 98%." 

Prices good for Friday only.

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Tom Hansen: Too cheap?

Great song. Very basic musical format but very clever lyrics with a delivery to match. Sarcasm just drips from Tommy Gayle's mouth with each line he throws.

Johnny Cash Saturday! "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash. I'm now going to do the impossible by playing one of the grimmest and depressing songs ever on my popular family television show and call it a love song to boot." Did this guy have balls or what?

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In shocking news today, local band Honky Tonkitis announced that it has replaced its long-time singer, songwriter and upright bass player.

"Johnny Maplewood is effectively gone," guitarist Chris Conrad stated, "from this point forward, he is not a member of the band. The music continues to play, but that singer is gone."

Pressed to explain this decision, Conrad remarked, "We just couldn't take it anymore. The dressing up. The theatrics. The whining, cloying voice. The lyrics about depressing subjects that only seemed to make sense to him and no one else. Songs written about stuff that only teenage girls could grasp. Well let me tell you: it was going right over the heads of the beer drinking public that we're usually performing to."

"On the bright side," Conrad continued, "we have been able to find a replacement for Maplewood, someone we think that will better reflect the musical tendencies of the band. And we're going to introduce him to you right now!"

With that, Conrad stepped aside to introduce Honky Tonkitis' new singer.

Robert Smith of the Cure.

Late-breaking news! It's Tom Hansen's birthday today!

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Shout at the devil!

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Added bonus: Haven't we all had one of these nights?

Local accordion player Don Turner was fired by his employer Tuesday when he refused to turn over has MySpace ID and password to the company.

"MySpace? Does that site even EXIST anymore?" Turner commented.

"I think I had one of those when I was in high school." Drummer Kurt Weber added, "I put a picture of Neil Peart on it. A lot of my friends liked it. I mean, not clicking on it to 'like' it. You couldn't do that on MySpace. They just would see me at school and tell me they liked it."

Singer Johnny Maplewood had a different view altogether.

"Hey, look, what Don's putting on his MySpace page is important for an employer to know about. They need to know that he's not discussing secret info or citicizing his own company. I mean, how do I know he's not dissing my singing skills on his page or making bass player jokes behind my back there? Let me tell you, it would explain a lot of the laughing that goes on at our shows when I play a bass solo. Turner, you get me that MySpace password by Friday or you're outta the band!"

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Time to go old school with some Wade Ray.

In shocking news this week, local fiddle player Tom Hansen announced that he was leaving the group Honky Tonkitis.

"It's time that I moved on to my new profession. Although I have a passion for fiddle playing, and Honky Tonkitis has been a great outlet for this passion, at this stage in my life I'm ready to move on."

Hansen went on to say that he had been falling away from his fiddle playing ever since the untimely death of his parents.

"Ever since that mugger violently shot down my parents in front of my eyes in that back alley, I've felt that I needed to do something more meaningful with my life than simply playing the violin. With the recent addition of Don Turner on accordion, I think I can smoothly make my departure from the group."

No word on where Tom plans to take up residence for his future profession, although he did mention such potential cities as Metropolis, Gotham, or Star City.

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Tom Hansen in his "work" clothes.

It's Johnny Cash Saturday! Here's one we wanted to post last week, but the computer wasn't accommodating. This is a great Johnny Cash track that just kinda slid by because Cash has so many great tunes and such a huge catalog. Notice that the only instrumentation is the one guitar. No drums, no bass, no solo, and yet the song is still powerful. Thanks to the guys from Roger and the Wraybands for bringing this one to our attention. Credit Steve Earle for writing a great song.

Tom Hansen, fiddle player for local band Honky Tonkitis made this announcement Thursday:

"I've been living with a secret these past three years that I must now reveal: I'm haunted by the ghost of Kenny Loggins."

When it was reported to Hansen that Kenny Loggins was not dead, he replied, "Of course not. He's all right, no one has to worry about him, because he can never truly die. He haunts me day by day."

Upon further elaboration to Hansen that Kenny Loggins was still alive and touring, Hansen said, "Indeed, he tours the spirit world telling those of us on the physical plane to 'Celebrate Me Home' and 'Cut Loose, Footloose.'"

When shown video of Kenny Loggins performing the previous weekend, Hanson teld reporters, "He's taken a ride into the danger zone, one which allows even his spirit to be recorded on film."

Hansen concluded: "Time, time and again I see Kenny Loggins staring down at me with those angry eyes. It's a heavy burden."

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It comes in a twelve ounce can or bottle,

Get it by the six pack or case

Get it from a fifth or a pint-size bottle

Your memory to erase

This pain remover is making me a one hundred proof disgrace.

Head on over to our Jukebox page and pick song A-3: Five to Ten-live. A recently recorded live version of a song from our first album, You Drink and Drive Me Crazy.

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Why didn't Honky Tonkitis write this song? Maybe because it was written more than forty years ago.

In an effort to boost interest among younger people, Honky Tonkitis hired a team of popular teenage girls to review their honky tonk website. After much research and discussion, these girls concluded that the Honky Tonkitis website is not even funny.

"It's worse than not funny," expert Reagan summarized, "it's like, just...sad. It's pathetic."

"I looked at and I didn't even laugh," Kennedy, another expert, added.

"Even my grandparents wouldn't think it was funny, and they laugh at anything. Mostly cos' they feel sorry for you," teen expert Madison concluded.

"Madison's right," BFF Harrison replies, "I'd feel sorry if I met this band. Actally, no, I'd just hand them a razor blade and show them where the bathroom is."

"I've vomited better lunches than these guys write." McKinley added, "In fact, I just did." 

"C'mon, girls," concluded Bush, the leader of the popular girls group, "It's obvious they're fat. They're a bunch of fat fatties who nobody'll ever love. Let them take their fat website with them to fatcamp where they can eat and be fat and alone. Forever."

Members of Honky Tonkitis only comment was to say they would not be leaving their rooms for the next seventy million years or till they, like, die.

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Hey hey! From now on, Saturdays will be dedicated to Johnny Cash's music. Here's a wacky one: Johnny singing the theme to the James Bond movie, Thunderball. Yeah, it's always been out there, but Johnny's got such a huge catalog of music, sometimes you just forget about a great tune, like this one. Enjoy!

 A version made where the song was dropped on top of the Thunderball movie sequence is linked here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3rqS98seNA

In October, we were averaging more than 1700 hits a day on this website. What the hell? Where are all these people? Why aren't they mobbing our shows? Why aren't we selling out of disks? We have our theories:

beauty_pic-C_Conrad.JPG Chris Conrad: I made a little deal with a Chinese company that uses political prisoner labor to increase the daily hits on our site. Best $22.34 per month I ever spent! And, after twelve months, they send me a complimentary bride!

beauty_pic-T_Hanson_resized.JPG Tom Hanson: That's my ex-girlfriend, Starrie. Ever since the restraining order went in place, the only way she can try to be near me is through this website. Please, Starrie, I beg you, move on with your life. Don't make me take this back to court.

beauty_pic-K_Weber.JPG Kurt Weber: Uh, have you guys ever clicked on honkytonkitis.com? I did the other day, uh, "accidentally." There's pictures of farmers doing things with cows that are not legal in most states! Maybe Wisconsin. I think people just come here by mistake.

Don_Turner-p.jpg Don Turner: Is it my fault it I like to toss back a few brandy old fashioned sweets every night and see where my computer takes me? So what if I give this website address as the main place the ladies can reach me. Boo hoo, ya losers. Get your own life.

beauty_pic-J_Steffes.JPG Johnny Maplewood: Can't type. Fingers sore. Using tongue.

Coming soon to a bar near you: Honky Tonkitis, I Can't Stand You. Reality hurts.

 

This is just so wrong. We better find out this is just an elaborate joke.

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Here's a great combination: Skeets McDonald and Town Hall Party. We sure wish the Town Hall Party show was still around. It was a great chance to see some classic honky tonk and rockabilly artists perform live and they always seemed to be having a ball. Sure wish Honky Tonkitis could perform on a show like that one.

The Milwaukee District Attorney's office dropped multiple murder charges against local fiddle player, Tom Hanson, after it was determined that the search warrant was incorrectly served. Hanson plays with local group, Honky Tonkitis.

"This is a miscarriage of justice," Police Department chief Ed Flynn declared Wednesday. "This psychotic deviant was able to slip out of these charges through some legal mumbo-jumbo. By all rights, he should be sitting in a jail cell awaiting a trial that would have put him away for ten lifetimes."

Milwaukee Police were serving a search warrant on Hanson in regard to the unsolved cases of ten murder victims, all strangled through the use of a violin string. According to unnamed Police sources, the evidence found in Hanson's house was damning.

Police Chief Flynn was hesitant to give further details on the case. "As of now, I've been asked by the DA's office to limit my comments on any suspects. But I can tell you that our prime suspect's name rhymes with 'Mom Manson.'"

Hanson had very little to say with regard to the ongoing case. "I have a show this Friday night. Can I have my bloody strings back?"

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One of our fave Hank 3 tunes. This so easily beats modern country. Makes you wonder more people who listen to that stuff don't just put pistols in their mouths every time they turn on the radio. Maybe they do, and just can't afford ammo.

With a name like Lowell Knipp, you can bank on two things: 1) He's gotta be a tough SOB for putting up with that name since he was a child, 2) He's gotta lotta honky tonk heartache built up around that name. Yup, confirmed.

Local woman Janyce Hetzel declared baritone guitarist Chris Conrad of the group Honky Tonkitis to be on drugs.

"I took one look at his picture on the back of that CD (Alcohol & Heartbreak) and realized he was mixed up in the drugs."

Hetzel was unsure what rehab programs would offer the best solutions for Conrad's addiction problems, only stressing that he needed to attend one.

"I love baritone guitar in my honky tonk music just as much as the next Christian woman, but that young man needs to check himself in to the rehab right now."

Conrad has not commented on his plans.

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For some reason, we keep coming back to this tune. It's just great song construction and great delivery. Again, thanks to Radovichy for putting together the Hardcore Honky Tonk link at YouTube. We never would have heard these songs, otherwise.

Chris Conrad, guitarist for Milwaukee group Honky Tonkitis, was severely beaten by members of his own band Tuesday when he announced at practice that he was betting against the Packers in next Sunday's game.

"All I said was that I had $200 on Jacksonville by four points. The next thing I knew, they had me on the floor and they were all kicking and punching me."

Band fiddle player, Tom Hanson, was the only member of the group to comment on Conrad's accusation, saying, "He started badmouthing the Pack and I saw red. I saw red."

Recovering at home, Conrad has not decided whether he will file charges.

"A lot of it depends on how the game goes. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be swimming in dough come Sunday night. But if not, I'll probably take the band to small claims court. My jaw still hurts and they kinda messed up my guitar. But we've also got a pretty sweet gig next week and we're getting free beer."

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Lowell Knipp. Fantastic.

This week, Rolling Stone magazine announced that Honky Tonkitis has now unseated singer Morrissey to gain the title for "most depressing songs on the planet."

"Yes! I am SO stoked! In your face, Morrissey!" Lead singer and songwriter Johnny Maplewood shouted while high-fiving guitarist Chris Conrad at a local bar. "It's about time! There's only so many songs a guy can write about getting drunk and losing your woman. I knew it was only a matter of time before I took that mope down. I wish I had money to buy another drink!"

Morrissey, famous for such melancholy hits as "You Have Killed Me," "One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell," "Hairdresser on Fire," and "Disappointed," was beaten out by Honky Tonkitis tunes like, "Daddy Smells Like Alcohol and Heartbreak," "I Spell Divorce," "Stop Playing Lawn Darts on My Heart," and "I Hope I Don't Get the Clap Tonight."

Morrissey, interviewed as he left his Los Angeles mansion surrounded by throngs of screaming fans, commented, "My soul is burned." 

Morrissey: Has he finally hit the wall?

We're still on our YouTube Hardcore Honky Tonk kick, courtesy of Radovichy. It's downright addicting. This time, it's Johnny Seymour. We'd always heard all of these great tunes were out there. So little of it probably made it past the original 45's. Some of the more popular singers made it to CD compilations. But the one-hit wonders (a terrible term for some great singers and bands) never got the credit they were due. Please let us know if we're horribly wrong and there are CDs or digital download compilations available. They'd be worth buying.

Here's a different show where we had a vid or two shot of us. One of our tunes from our album, Deep End of the Bottle.

Producers for the upcoming Honky Tonkitis: the Movie have signed Johnny Depp to play the part of Kurt Weber, the drummer for the group.

Depp commented: "I've always been a great admirer of Kurt's work. I really want to do my best to reflect the deep sensitivity and intelligence that Kurt delivers, both in his playing and in his stage presence."

When asked about Depp portraying him, Weber responded, "Yeah, I don't get out to see movies much. What stuff would I have seen him in?"

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Hearing Bill Goodwin and his band, the first music that comes to mind is Michael Hurtt and His Haunted Hearts. A lot of the same great sound: snappy, creative lyrics with a fantastic backing band full of great soloists, put together into a concise package under three minutes. Great stuff.

Honky Tonkitis announced today that the date has been set for the Ultimate Fight Competition between HT fiddle player, Tom Hansen, and international singing sensation, Barry Manilow.

"We've really regretted this long-time conflict between Tom and Barry," singer Johnny Maplewood announced, "But all attempts to bring these two together and settle this peacefully have failed. They both agreed that this could be resolved in a way that would show off all of their physical talents while effectively 'burying the hatchet,' so to speak. We think it's best they do this in a controlled mixed martial arts setting with a sanctioned referee and medical staff standing by."

Hansen commented, "Barry! Your time is coming, Barry! You know why he writes the songs? Because it helps him take his mind off me busting his f***ing head in! You know why he can't smile without you, baby? Because I'm gonna punch out ALL his f***ing teeth!

In concert Tuesday, Manilow addressed the upcoming fight by telling his audience of thirty thousand, "Talk all you want, Hansen. You can't hide behind that trash talk once I get you in the ring! I'm coming for you! YOU!" He then proceeded to perform his hit song, "Mandy."

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Manilow-Hansen: The fight of the century?

We're still greatly enjoying the "Hardcore Honky Tonk" playlist out on YouTube. Yet another great song we've never heard before. Please let us know if you have any others you find out there that we should be listening to.

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We just found a great channel on YouTube called, "Hardcore Honky Tonk." A great channel with 120 vids, so far, of some great honky tonk music. Give it a look-see. Here's the first one.

We knew Johnny Cash did some of his more popular sides in German. Didn't know he did some in Spanish as well. Kinda like hearing what Johnny Cash must've sounded like to people who didn't know English. Don't know if that makes any sense, but whatever. Enjoy.

Honky Tonkitis violin player, Tom Hansen, announced that he will be taking a leave of absence from the group for the winter season to embark on a tour with the legendary hard rock group, Kiss.

“I received a last-minute call from Kiss’ management. They reported to me that Kiss was looking to tour this winter and wanted to add a different artistic element to the group. They’d seen a YouTube clip of me playing with Honky Tonkitis and felt that I would be a good match for their band.”

When asked why he had decided to make the abrupt musical departure with Honky Tonkitis on the verge of touring around the release of their new album, Hansen said, “I'm just looking for an artistic change of pace. I wanted to stretch my musical boundaries and allow my violin skills to be appreciated by a different and larger audience than what I’d been doing in Honky Tonkitis. I feel like Kiss is allowing me to really expand my musical talent.”

Pressed for specifics about his artistic involvement with Kiss, Hansen said, “Things have moved so fast that they haven’t been able to detail too much at this point. But they have done a costume fitting and shown me a couple of models of the violin I’ll be playing. It’s a cross between a Stradivarius and a medieval sword. At one point during the show I’ll be taking a spotlight solo on Calling Dr. Love. At the end of the solo my violin will burst into flames and I will swallow the sword-section of it. Black blood will then gush from my mouth as fireworks shoot out of the Stradivarius section.”

Hansen in his Kiss make-up persona of “Pippi StarDemon.”

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We don't want you going through withdrawal! Because you can never get enough of a single-camera shot of a band! Hope you're watching this in a bar, at least you can get through it with a shot or two. Don't worry, we don't have too many more of these. But just wait till we get to the one where Kurt starts on fire! In the meantime, more happy songs about sexual diseases.

We got asked to do a Station ID by Gerrit Caspers for his show, Good Noise Radio, in the Netherlands.

To hear it, click on our pic below or go over to the Jukebox and play the second song down.

In the meantime, we're just gonna sit back here in Honky Tonkitisland and wait for those station ID requests to come rollin' in! Somebody go make a pizza.

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Some songs just say honky tonk. This is one of those songs. "The barstools are lonely, they're my only friends." What a great line.

As we told you last week, we have a full set of video from a show we played back in March, and we're getting around to throwing some of the tunes from it out onto YouTube. We call it "Bartender cam," because basically we found a small spot behind the bar where the camera wouldn't be in anyone's way. Unfortunately, we couldn't fit Tommy into the lens view. He's just off to the left. Sometimes you'll see his fiddle headstock or part of his hand. You can see that when we play the front stage at Kochanski's that we're ram-a-jammed into that spot at the front part of the bar. John and Don can't even fit on the stage, Kurt's pushed into a corner, and Don has to move anytime someone wants to walk in or out of the bar. Still, it's a lot easier for us to order and pick up drinks, and since it's next to the bar, the serious drinkers are right there in our face, drinking.

So here we are, playing an old tune Lefty Frizzell made popular. Most of you will recognize it as a song Johnny Winter made famous, but Lefty did it first.

Think you can snap your fingers? Try doing it through this whole video. Having recorded trying to snap our fingers through a whole song, ourselves, we can tell you, it's pretty damn hard. This tune's great for the way it picks up power throughout the song. Some things just can't be done as well as they are live. It's also great to watch Jim try not to laugh.

Damn! The great stuff people load up to YouTube! Bobby Helms has always been one of our faves, and we didn't even know he did this Hank Williams song, much less live! Another band that knows the power of an accordion player! Grab a beer, pop a top, and enjoy this great vid! 

We've finally started loading vid from a show we did at Kochanski's back in March. Here's You Drink and Drive Me Crazy, shot from the bartender cam. Hope you enjoy it. Sorry that we couldn't fit Tommy in the shot. Next time, we promise.

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Holy crap! Ain't we just the fine thing! We had more than forty-five thousand hits on our site in the month of September! What makes you fools keep coming back? Show us you love us! Buy Alcohol and Heartbreak or you don't get any birthday cake! 

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Love this tune and love Warner Mack's version of it. Live? Love it even more.

The latest weapon in the fight against Asian carp doesn't look much like a weapon at all: It's the album Alcohol & Heartbreak by Honky Tonkitis. The music is blasted through underwater speakers in a 13-mile section between the Des Plaines River and the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal as they meander through the southwest suburbs.

The $7 million project, paid from the federal Great Lakes Restoration Fund, is a relatively low-tech solution to keep the dreaded carp from breaching the low-lying strip of land between the river and the shipping canal during heavy rains. For reasons scientists can't explain, this particular album drives 100% of the intrusive carp back.

"They tried everything on them," fiddle player Tom Hanson commented, "from ABBA to ZZ Top. Our album was the only one that was 100% effective."

This does not mean the band is happy.

"We're not seeing a penny of it," Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, said of the plan. "Even though they're blasting our new album twenty-four seven at these fish, somehow, that doesn't entitle us to any profits. In fact, the lawyers tell us that they're charging us because local boaters and people living nearby now need to be supplied with ear plugs."

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Asian Carp: Not a fan of Honky Tonkitis?

Ned Miller's the guy best know for his recording of From A Jack to a King. But Ned had many many other great tunes that he put out that just never got the same level of attention. Here's one of them.

We just can't get off that Freddy Fender kick! Here's a live version of Freddy performing the song in 1979. Boy, it's a good thing they have those fences guarding the stage. It looks like that unhinged audience was going to tackle Freddy and eat him up!

Here's what can happen when you request a song we don't know at one of our shows:

Go over to our Jukebox page and scroll to the bottom to find the song sample.

It's hard to hear, but after Johnny M. loudly announces we're going to do our "big hit," some guy shouts back, "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights?", which leads to us torturing the crowd with our version of a song we don't know.

If not, In other news:

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Our Saturday, Oct. 13th show at Kochanski's is canceled. Our bud, Andy, had a liquor license mix-up. He won't be able to re-open the Concertina Beer Hall until sometime in late October. Personally, we think he's lying, that he really just hates us, and he's willing to keep his bar closed for three weeks just to spite us. We'll be there again in November, whether he likes it or not!

We're also playing a show on Saturday, Oct. 27th, but it's a private party, so you're not invited! Instead, take one of our CD's to a bar of your choosing and make them play it loud while you drink. Soon, you'll look like the guy above.

And in even more news:

The band is working up some new tunes with the following titles:

Steal a Beer

I Must Be a Clown

Mesera Mesera Una Cerveza Mas

We're also working on the aforementioned Wasted Days and Wasted Nights, because that is a truly cool song that we'd like to play in the future without destroying. Other covers we're working on are George Jones' take of Johnny Horton's I'm A One-Woman Man and Merle Haggard's Drink Up and Be Somebody. But we make no promises. It wouldn't be the first time we tried to get a tune off the ground and it's crashed and burned.

And in even more news than you can handle:

We discovered a set that we filmed (videotaped?) from about a half a year ago that we had forgotten about (or tried to hide from our consciousness). We'll break it into single tunes and throw it up on YouTube with tie-ins here at the site. Nothing exciting. It's only one camera, so it's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Plus, you can't see Tommy on fiddle at all because we couldn't get a wide enough view. We'll post the video with a pic of Tom next to it so that you get the idea. Look for that some time next week.

Keep checking back daily. We're always posting something new.

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This just makes our heads explode.

Local band Honky Tonkitis was on hand to accept an award for their new album, Alcohol and Heartbreak. The board of the Aolian Music Association has awarded the album the prestigious, “best record of all time.”

“Wow, this is just an incredible moment,” singer Johnny Maplewood commented in a speech after receiving the award. “I mean, to beat out seminal albums by Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley, Willie Nelson…I’m just speechless. I mean, I like our new album a lot, but I never thought it would receive this kind of acclaim.”

“We’d really like to thank this prestigious board for presenting us with this award. It really is an honor to be acknowledged by this level of music industry talent,” guitarist Chris Conrad added.

However, ongoing plans for celebration were dashed when it was pointed out that the Aolian Music Association board was comprised entirely of fill-in NFL referees from the Packers-Seahawks game that took place Monday night.

“What!”  Maplewood exclaimed, “But that means that this trophy means absolutely nothing! And here I bought three extra permanent markers for signing autographs!”

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“I stand by the board’s decision,” Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL stated later Tuesday. “I’ve never heard of this Honky Tonk-whatsis band, and they’re probably crap, but if my fill-in referees said their album is the best thing ever, well, whatever. These refs were the best I could find for what I was paying them.”

“How do I feel? Disappointed,” Maplewood commented later Tuesday. “I was so proud. I even told everybody at work about the award. And now this? They’re all going to laugh at me! I mean, who would want to take credit for such a hollow, meaningless victory?”

Later in the day the band announced plans to move to Seattle.

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We haven't really heard much of Country Johnny Mathis. Johnny Paycheck? Yes. Johnny Mathis? Not so much. How'd you like to go through life with "Country" stuck on the front of your name? "Hello, I'm Country Lawrence Welk." I'm surprised the guy didn't just change his name. Sounds like he'd be sponging off of Johnny Mathis' recordings. Not that a new release by regular Johnny Mathis is going to have us sprinting to the local record shop. But this is a great track with Johnny Paycheck doing the backing vocals. These guys seem to have had way too much coffee in the studio. A great, peppy track.

For those of you wondering about our band name, this is where it comes from. Of course we have been introduced as "Honky Tonk It Is" and "Honky Tonk Tits." All three work.

We always could use some more Kay Adams.

There are many guitar fail videos out there, but for some reason, most likely the loud buzzer, this one is funnier than the rest.

Heard this tune last weekend on WMSE. What a great, bitter Jerry Lee Lewis tune! So perfectly suited to the killer! Just incredibly bitter, and yet at the same time, kinda sympathetic. The lyrics mean everything in this song. 

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Always glad to hear from the Nether regions!

RADIOGIRL on Dollard Radio - Oldambt, The Netherlands
Host/Producer/Engineer: Johanna J. Bodde

 Liam Fitzgerald and The Rainieros, "I Don't Know Why"; Last Call! (Self-Released/Hearth PR, 'Tape Time'

 Rodney Crowell, "Many A Long & Lonesome Highway"; Keys To The Highway (CBS Records) *cassette

 The Flatlanders, "Number Sixteen"; The Odessa Tapes (New West Records/Rough Trade)

The Sumner Brothers, "You Will Find Me"; I'll Be There Tomorrow  
Honky Tonkitis, "Tavern Of Love"; Alcohol & Heartbreak (Self-Released, www.honkytonkitis.net)
 
Available via live-stream at www.dollardradio.nl - Saturdays 15h00-17h00 local time
Fine music 24/7 at www.songcraftradio.com 
 
  
  
They're also playing Honky Tonkitis in Berlin, Germany!
  
"Hillbilly Rockhouse" #0354
Countrymusic24 Radio - Berlin, Germany
Thursday, Sept./13/2012 - 8.00 p.m.
Host - Gerd Stassen
 
ELEMENT OF CRIME --- "Über Nacht" Die schönen Rosen --- (Motor) 1996
HONKY TONKITIS --- "I'm ready to drink" Alcohol & Heartbreak --- (Self) 2012
KATHY MATTEA --- "Hello my name" Calling Me Home --- (Sugar Hill) 2012
  
  

WMSE-Last week's top 30 Alternative picks:

1. Dinosaur Jr., I Bet On Sky, Jagjaguwar
2. Thee Oh Sees, Putrifiers II, In the Red
3. Deerhoof, Breakup Song, Polyvinyl
4. Cat Power, Sun, Matador
5. Diiv, Oshin, Captured Tracks
6. Ry Cooder, Election Special, Nonesuch
7. Matthew Dear, Beams, Ghostly
8. Dan Deacon, America, Domino
9. Divine Fits, A Thing Called Divine Fits, Merge
10. Honky Tonkitis, Alcohol and Heartbreak, self-released

Ugh. Johnny at his lowest point.

Monday afternoon, Johnny Maplewood, lead singer and band leader of the group, Honky Tonkitis, announced that the band would be moving in a new direction, starting immediately.

“We’ve already put out three albums’ worth of honky tonk music over the course of four years. They’ve been productive years and we’ve been pleased with our success, but it’s time for a change.”

Maplewood said that initially the rest of the group was resistant to the change, but that they were coming around to his way of thinking.

“Look, part of being a band leader is knowing when you’ve got to move the band in a new direction. That’s why I’m the leader of the band, y’know? You’ve got to view the changes coming on the landscape and shoot for the new vision that you know will have a lasting impact on the music of America. This isn’t something I envision for the next five years. This is an entire genre change that I see impacting our music for a generation.”

"I've just got a really good feeling about this New Romantic music. I see it sticking around for quite awhile. And with us changing the name of the band to Adam Berlin and the Culture Duran, I see us leading the cutting edge of this genre."

"Really," Maplewood concluded, "have I been wrong yet?

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Unplug the jukebox: The new direction for the band.

George Jones just turned 80. This year, he's going on his farewell tour. Our last chance to see the vocal master before he retires. Don't waste this opportunity. And another thing: check out all those hotties sitting behind George. The people running this show really knew how to get people to tune in.

This vid is just mind-blowing.

Local band Honky Tonkitis has been informed that a baseball game has helped resolve the issue of their missing bass player.

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More than a year ago, Jason Ploetz, bass player for the local group Honky Tonkitis, went missing. At the time, police and FBI were brought in to investigate.

"I know all the members of the band got thoroughly grilled by law inforcement," singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "And personally, I was anally probed. I think they went a little too far, but I made a few new friends."

Until yesterday, investigators were no further along in finding out what happened to Ploetz. It wasn't until Wednesday night's Milwaukee Brewers' radio broadcast that new information came to light. According to police, Brewers' play-by-play announcer Bob Uecker was in the middle of his broadcast when he diverged from a standard on-air promotion for Usingers Sausage.

"Y'know, whenever I'm watching a game like tonight's, and I want to throw something good on the grill, I'll grab me a slice of Jason Ploetz outta the fridge and toss him right on those glowing coals," Uecker is reported to have broadcast. "Whether it's a finger, an arm link, maybe a bit of buttock, man, it cooks up  tasty. Throw it on a toasted bun with a bit of ketchup, some sweet mustard, a little sauerkraut, mmm-mm! That Ploetz tastes great! Nothing better. I can't wait for that next homeless bass player to stop by my door for dinner!"

Attempts by others in the announcing booth to correct his statement were met with protests by Uecker: "No! Not Usingers! Jason Ploetz! Something about the honky tonk bass players makes for great eating! Just konk 'em on the back of the head, bleed 'em dry and get out the sausage grinder! Mmm-mm! That's good eating!"

Uecker was taken into custody later in the game. Uecker did not help his position when he argued with police, "C'mon! I'll let you have what's left of his brain! It's great! It's tender! Grill it rare, slap a little barbecue sauce on it, it can't be beat with a side of corn and beans!"

Bail for Uecker is currently withheld.

When asked if the ongoing investigation would impact the newly-erected Ueker statue at Miller Park, an unnamed stadium official responded, "It doesn't really matter. We'll just rededicate it to Rickie Weeks or Bud Selig or somebody. We'll probably just throw names in a hat and pick one out next week. It's not like that statue even resembled Uecker."

The Brewers went on to win the game against the Atlanta Braves, 8 to 2, advancing their chances at acquiring a wild card position in the playoffs.

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Bob Uecker: What's for dinner?

Porter Wagoner. A guy, who at the height of his career, puts out an album about alcoholism (Honky Tonkitis' Deep End of the Bottle cover is a nod to that). Then he puts out an album about crazy people! Ladies and Gentlemen, THAT'S hardcore honky tonk!

Many of you have probably heard that if you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album while watching the movie The Wizard of Oz that they eerily match up perfectly. It's like a whole new groovy soundtrack added to that crazy movie.

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We got word this week that one of our fans stumbled onto much the same thing themselves. Supposedly, if you plan our album Deep End of the Bottle, while watching the movie Mommie Dearest, you'll cheer for the Joan Crawford character.

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"It's a hangout for the losers, and a hideout for the boozers, and a place to go for lonely fools like me."

Love Justin's voice. 

At a Honky Tonkitis press conference Friday, Don Turner, accordion player for the group, announced he will be leaving the band for a better opportunity.

"I'd been hearing around town that the Empire's looking for some new blood. And I just feel like things aren't taking off with this band. I mean, I've given it a year. I'm thinking of leaving before Harvest," Turner announced.

Lead singer Johnny Maplewood tried to interject at this point: "Don, Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one season more. This year we'll make enough on the harvest that I'll be able to hire another accordion player, and then you can go to the Empire next year. You must understand, I need you here, Don."

But Turner seemed reluctant to change his mind. "I've heard they've got some new construction going on and they're looking for guys like me who can handle a trash compactor or a cell block. Heck, I even dig the white uniforms, and the helmets are really supposed to help people with allergies."

"It's not that I like the Empire; I hate it," Turner stated at the conclusion of the press conference, "but right now, in a down economy, they're hiring like crazy, and I just can't overlook such a good offer."

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Sometimes you just need to share more Charlie Louvin. This song's been running through our heads all week, so we're posting it. This song will stay with you, and carries two of the three requirements for a classic honky tonk song: Divorce and Hearbreak. All it's missing is the drinking factor to hit the honky tonk trifecta.

This show is today. If you want to see Honky Tonkitis for FREE outside in a venue that is all ages and yet serves beer, this is it. 

Honky Tonkitis will perform at 3pm.

Saturday, September 8th: Cathedral Square Park - 4th Annual WMSE Backyard BBQ, 3pm - 11pmWMSE Backyard BBQ

Other than the BBQ simply being one of the best times you'll have all year due to tasty food, tastier music and a swarm of like-minded music lovers with whom you can enjoy said tastiness, this year's BBQ also doubles as the 2012 Milwaukee Film Festival Official Program Book Launch. If you follow us on Twitter you know that we're, like, BFFs with @mkefilm, so naturally we are extremely excited to have them as a central part of this year's Backyard BBQ. 

Local songwriter Johnny Maplewood, lead singer for the group Honky Tonkitis, announced plans to write another song about beer.

"It ought to be really catchy, and, y'know, people will like it because it's about beer, or drinking beer, or thinking about drinking beer."

Known for such tunes as Pabst in the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle, Kiss My HeinekenPBR My ASS, and I Am the Ghost of Miller Lite, Maplewood says he's not sure what the new song will be called yet.

"It'll definitely be about beer, I'm just not sure which one yet. I'd like to do one about Leinenkugel's, but I'm having a hard time with the rhymes for it. I mean, 'frugal,' and 'Google," and that's about it."

Maplewood is still contemplating a future that would move his songwriting in another direction.

"I'd like to expand my choice of subjects. I'm thinkin of moving over to writing songs about something like alcoholic candies. Rum balls might be nice. Maybe whiskey truffles," Maplewood mused.

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Conway Twitty played some serious honky tonk into the early 70's before he made it to more mainstream country success...or maybe it was just that mainstream country took a turn around that time and focused on Conway. Whatever the case, when he got famous, the music started to go sour, in our opinion. Who knows, maybe we're losers who hate to see someone successful. Whatever the case, Conway's 60's and early 70's output is honky tonk awesome. Here's a great example. 

Saturday, September 8th: Cathedral Square Park - 4th Annual WMSE Backyard BBQ, 3pm - 11pmWMSE Backyard BBQ

Other than the BBQ simply being one of the best times you'll have all year due to tasty food, tastier music and a swarm of like-minded music lovers with whom you can enjoy said tastiness, this year's BBQ also doubles as the 2012 Milwaukee Film Festival Official Program Book Launch. If you follow us on Twitter you know that we're, like, BFFs with @mkefilm, so naturally we are extremely excited to have them as a central part of this year's Backyard BBQ. 

 

Honky Tonkitis will be playing at 3pm.

In an effort to boost interest among younger people, Honky Tonkitis hired a team of popular teenage girls to review their honky tonk website. After much research and discussion, these girls concluded that the Honky Tonkitis website is not even funny.

"It's worse than not funny," expert Reagan summarized, "it's like, just...sad. It's pathetic."

"I looked at and I didn't even laugh," Kennedy, another expert, added.

"Even my grandparents wouldn't think it was funny, and they laugh at anything. Mostly cos' they feel sorry for you," teen expert Madison concluded.

"Madison's right," BFF Harrison replies, "I'd feel sorry if I met this band. Actally, no, I'd just hand them a razor blade and show them where the bathroom is."

"I've vomited better lunches than these guys write." McKinley added, "In fact, I just did." 

"C'mon, girls," concluded Bush, the leader of the popular girls group, "It's obvious they're fat. They're a bunch of fat fatties who nobody'll ever love. Let them take their fat website with them to fatcamp where they can eat and be fat and alone. Forever."

Members of Honky Tonkitis only comment was to say they would not be leaving their rooms for the next seventy million years or till they, like, die.

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After Ira Louvin passed, Charlie Louvin went right on in a more country vein, utilizing that signature voice. Think about it: how many singers can you identify within the first five notes of hearing their voice? Charlie Louvin is one of those people that easily make the short list.

On the negative side, we feel sorry for those lame outfits the backing band has to wear. They look like they're used to backing the Lone Ranger and Tonto. 

If you've never heard the Louvin Brothers before, prepare yourself for some great spooky harmony singing. "In the Pines" is one of their best tracks, although it's hard to pick because they've got so many. They've also got one of the most memorable album covers ever made.

Satan Is Real Album Cover

 

August was a crazed month of freakiness.

The number of hits on the site doubled between July and August. We had something like 44,000 hits in August. Either more people are visiting the site or we're just getting a hell of a lot more search bots.

Whatever the reason, thanks for coming, stop back soon, buy our CD's and downloads, come to our live shows, book us for your events. This site and this band can't survive without your economic support.

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In shocking news today, local band Honky Tonkitis announced that it has replaced its long-time singer, songwriter and upright bass player.

"Johnny Maplewood is effectively gone," guitarist Chris Conrad stated, "from this point forward, he is not a member of the band. The music continues to play, but that singer is gone."

Pressed to explain this decision, Conrad remarked, "We just couldn't take it anymore. The dressing up. The theatrics. The whining, cloying voice. The lyrics about depressing subjects that only seemed to make sense to him and no one else. Songs written about stuff that only teenage girls could grasp. Well let me tell you: it was going right over the heads of the beer drinking public that we're usually performing to."

"On the bright side," Conrad continued, "we have been able to find a replacement for Maplewood, someone we think that will better reflect the musical tendencies of the band. And we're going to introduce him to you right now!"

With that, Conrad stepped aside to introduce Honky Tonkitis' new singer.

Robert Smith of the Cure.

Straight up honky tonk done right.

In a move Monday that may damage his election chances, former Wisconsin governor and former Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson, has strongly stated that he refuses to turn over records of his purchases of Honky Tonkitis music.

“And the question is, am I going to release my history of Honky Tonkitis song buys? The answer’s no. No,” Thompson said. Pressed further, he says, “The answer is n-o. What part don’t you understand?”

The controversy might have ended there, if not for the fact that two members of the band had snuck into the press conference. As press took photos of Thompson, the musicians sang out, "I hope I don't get the clap," followed by Thompson spontaneously clapping twice in succession, much as is heard in the song.

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"Get those two outta here!" Thompson roared as a chorus of new questions arose from reporters as to how Thompson was familiar with that Honky Tonkitis song.

"We just want him to acknowledge us," Honky Tonkitis singer Johnny Maplewood later told reporters, hours after being released by police. "Thompson says he's never even heard our songs, and yet we believe not only has he bought all three of our albums, but he's bought them multiple times. We've seen him at the shows! He's come up on stage and sung with us! Tommy, why won't you tell people you like us?"

State polling shows Thompson's chances of winning falls precipitously if he acknowledges an appreciation for any Honky Tonkitis songs.

Saturday, September 8th: Cathedral Square Park - 4th Annual WMSE Backyard BBQ, 3pm - 11pm

Other than the BBQ simply being one of the best times you'll have all year due to tasty food, tastier music and a swarm of like-minded music lovers with whom you can enjoy said tastiness, this year's BBQ also doubles as the 2012 Milwaukee Film FestivalOfficial Program Book Launch. If you follow us on Twitter you know that we're, like, BFFs with @mkefilm, so naturally we are extremely excited to have them as a central part of this year's Backyard BBQ. 

At an official Honky Tonkitis press conference today, guitarist Chris Conrad made the following stunning announcement:

"Although most of you know me as Chris Conrad, I have been, in fact, living a lie for the past three years as a member of Honky Tonkitis. This is not my true name, nor my true identity."

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With that, Conrad stepped in front of the podium and pulled away his mask to reveal his true identity:

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"Dude! I've been playing in a band with Buckethead the past three years?" singer Johnny Maplewood exclaimed, "How freaking cool is that!"

Members of the group were not able to respond as to whether this meant that Conrad/Buckethead was now leaving the band.

"I've appreciated Mr. Head's playing style during his time with the band," fiddle player Tom Hansen commented, "I'm hoping he keeps playing with us, although that mask really creeps me out."

Buckethead refused to answer any more questions about his revelation, but took five minutes to perform an incredibly complex solo guitar arrangement that left members of the press and band waving lighters and screaming for more.

We've posted these Haggard impersonations before. This one is great when people keep showing up.

Ernest Tubb performing one of his classics...live! It doesn't get any better.

Randy Travis appeared before reporters Thursday to make a long-awaited apology to the people of America. 

"I've made some big mistakes in my life, many I wish I could take back. Naked drunken driving wasn't so smart. Threatening to kill police officers was probably not a high point in my life. But I can't begin to say how truly sorry I am that I would drunkenly friend Honky Tonkitis on Facebook. To my fans, to the people who have enjoyed my music, to all patriotic Americans, I say: please forgive me."

As sorry as he was in his apology, Travis insisted even the Friending was an honest mistake.

"I was just trying to undo that stupid timeline feature on my Facebook page. I don't know if it was the tequila or the brandy or the gin or the whiskey or the moonshine or the wine spritzers, but suddenly I'm friends with that band. And I can tell you, I didn't have a good time."

Singer Johnny Maplewood was not surprised by the apology.

"It's kind of amazing how often the band hears this 'drunken friending' excuse. From Lindsey Lohan to David Hasselhoff to Garry Busey to Charlie Sheen to Eddie Van Halen to Paris Hilton to Mel Gibson to Mickey Rourke, we must appear much more attractive once you're drunk."

When asked if this kind of behavior ever hurt his feelings, Maplewood said, "From celebrities I don't know and have never met? Not really. What hurts is the drunken Friending and sober de-Friending by members of this band. Hell, even I've done it twice."

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Travis: Forever and ever unfriend?

Merle tells the truth.

Local honky tonk group, Honky Tonkitis, today announced the upcoming release of a book about the band.

Local writer and illustrator Rebecca Troeller, who has published more than forty books in this format, had this to say about the band: "I really respect this band. I did a lot of research into each of the member's background to put this book together. I wanted to accurately reflect each of the members as an individual and the band as a whole. I really think this could bring them to a brand new audience around the world."

"Wow. We're just surprised and really pleased by this," bassist and singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but we have the greatest of respect for Rebecca. She didn't tell us that she was working on it when she was doing extensive interviews with the band. The fact that someone would go to these lengths to document our group and get this published so quickly is very humbling for us. We're hoping it does well on Amazon. Believe me, we'll be first in line to buy copies for our families."

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The boys of Honky Tonkitis are living this song every day.

In shocking news today, local accordion player Don Turner of the group Honky Tonkitis was arrested on federal racketeering charges. FBI agents led a pre-dawn raid of Turner's small apartment, arresting Turner, four unnamed scantily-clad females and at least five exotic birds.

"Giuseppe Turner has been on our radar for many months now," FBI agent Guy Fiorentini announced, "We've just been waiting for the perfect time to move forward with his arrest." According to Agent Fiorentini, Turner has long been an active leader in the underworld extortion of accordion players for money, sex and illegal drugs. Said Fiorentini, "This is one Mafia Don whose days of extorting innocent accordion players is over."

Johnny Maplewood, lead singer of Honky Tonkitis, reacted with shock and horror. "His real name's Giuseppe? But I thought it was Don! I didn't know he was Don Giuseppe! Good God! All those mafia jokes I told the band! No wonder Don never laughed." Maplewood said he had immediate plans to go into hiding.

Turner's only comments during  the arrest were, "Maplewood's dead to me! Dead!"Don_Turner-m.jpg

"Don" Giuseppe Turner may no longer be smiling when he thinks about his accordion business.

Here's another sign that defines Honky Tonk. 

Tonight at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall:

Two bands. Two stages. Many beers. Endless music.

Each band plays about a half an hour before they hand it off to the other band at the other end of the bar for a night's worth of music from dueling stages. Put yourself in the middle with a cold drink in your hand and dig the fantastic music.

It doesn't get any better.

Music starts at 9pm.

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We'll be playing with this great band out of Denver on Saturday night at Kochanski's! Come on down!

For the last couple months, we've been averaging 800 hits a day on this website. What the hell? Where are all these people? Why aren't they mobbing our shows? Why aren't we selling out of disks? We have our theories:

beauty_pic-C_Conrad.JPG Chris Conrad: I made a little deal with a Chinese company that uses political prisoner labor to increase the daily hits on our site. Best $22.34 per month I ever spent! And, after twelve months, they send me a complimentary bride!

beauty_pic-T_Hanson_resized.JPG Tom Hanson: That's my ex-girlfriend, Starrie. Ever since the restraining order went in place, the only way she can try to be near me is through this website. Please, Starrie, I beg you, move on with your life. Don't make me take this back to court.

beauty_pic-K_Weber.JPG Kurt Weber: Uh, have you guys ever clicked on honkytonkitis.com? I did the other day, uh, "accidentally." There's pictures of farmers doing things with cows that are not legal in most states! Maybe Wisconsin. I think people just come here by mistake.

Don_Turner-p.jpg Don Turner: Is it my fault it I like to toss back a few brandy old fashioned sweets every night and see where my computer takes me? So what if I give this website address as the main place the ladies can reach me. Boo hoo, ya losers. Get your own life.

beauty_pic-J_Steffes.JPG Johnny Maplewood: Can't type. Fingers sore. Using tongue.

Tom Hanson, long time fiddle player for Honky Tonkitis, announced Thursday that he is leaving the band.

"Although I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with Honky Tonkitis, I've finally mended fences with my brothers, and they've asked me to join their band immediately." Hanson said.

Hanson was referring to the musical group, Hanson, consisting of brothers Taylor, Zac and Isaac Hanson, most famous for their 1997 hit, "MMMBop."

That chart-smashing hit caused the initial fracture between Hanson and his brothers. The fiddle player walked away from the group when they refused to give him credit for writing the tune. Tom Hanson said that personal reasons lead to his departure as well.

"They refused to call me by anything other than my stage name, 'Stucco,'" Hanson said. This, combined with elimination of all violin parts on the Top Forty hit song, lead brother Tom to quit the group just as the Hanson musical star was ascending.

"I was sick of their behavior and was ready to prove that I could make stars out of any old crap band. That's when I joined Honky Tonkitis." Hanson concluded. "At this point my brothers and I have grown and matured both personally and musically. I think they're better able to recognize the musical contributions I could bring to their band."

Later Thursday Zac Hanson announced in a press conference: "We're delighted to have our brother Stucco joining us on this tour. We're not sure what he's going to do yet, run a spotlight or sell t-shirts or something, but we've really missed him over the years."

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We're too poor and have too little time on our hands to create a YouTube video for this, so instead, we thought we'd just compile the list here. This is our list of Schlitz Girls Say to Honky Tonk Bands:

Do you play any Kenny Chesney?

You guys should all wear cowboy hats.

Do you play any songs I know?

I should be your singer. I'm a really good singer.

My cousin's band knows ALL Garth Brooks' songs!

The mix sounds...weird.

Can you sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

If you guys were better looking you'd be really popular.

Can I sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

Five bucks! You guys aren't worth paying five bucks!

Can you guys turn down?

You guys should all wear cowboy boots.

Do you guys know any Ke$ha?

But I was already here drinking! I shouldn't have to pay!

Have you guys ever done popular music?

You guys should have uniforms.

Why don't any of you guys wear chaps?

That one guy in your band is...weird.

Do you know any good country music? Like the Eagles?

You guys would be totally hot if you were younger.

Do you play any songs we can dance to?

Bands never make me pay to get in!

Kenny Chesney is totally NOT gay! He was married to Renee whats-her-name.

You know who'd really like your guys' music? My grandpa. He's dead.

In a shocking surprise, the Romney vice presidential pick was announced today on the website of local band, Honky Tonkitis.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to hold off booking shows from now through most of November,” singer Johnny Maplewood announced, “because Kurt Weber won’t be able to drum for us while he’s touring America as the Republican Vice Presidential candidate.”

Weber commented, “People may be dismayed that the Romney campaign would pick a honky tonk drummer over a perfectly good governor or congressman. I was surprised myself. I've never run for public office. Heck, I wasn’t even picked as lunchroom monitor back in grade school. But I think I’ve got what it takes in paradiddles and flanges to be one heartbeat away from the presidency.”

When Governor Romney was confronted with evidence that the VP pick had been announced, he smiled and summarized: “I looked long and hard at the qualifications of all of my potential running mates. My long history of business experience tells me Kurt Weber is the man we need in the number two spot to get this country turned around. He’s decisive, he’s intelligent, and hey, have you ever heard him play ‘Wipeout?’ Man, that guy’s good!"

When pressed on whether the band is making plans to audition new drummers for a post-November replacement, Maplewood replied, “I’ve already got a call in to Joe Biden. I hear he plays a mean country shuffle.”

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Will the potential VP be giving the potential prez drum lessons at the White House of Music?

Bob Gallion has a great honky tonk voice. Go get a copy of his CD compilation, Out of A Honky Tonk. It's full of great, strong honky tonk tunes.

If you aren't here as a result of the article about us on onmilwaukee.com, here's where you can read it:

http://www.onmilwaukee.com/music/articles/honkytonkitis.html

Or, just scroll below. Although we're sure they'd dig it if you clicked on them.

Honky Tonkitis wails and twangs hardcore country

By Royal Brevväxling RSS Feed 
Special to OnMilwaukee.com

Honky Tonkitis is a Milwaukee-based band playing original country music in the style of Johnny Cash, Faron Young and Hank Williams.

Honky Tonkitis formed in 2008 with Johnny Maplewood on upright bass and vocals, Chris Conrad on guitars, Kurt Weber on drums and fiddle player Tom Hansen. They've released three albums, including "You Drink and Drive Me Crazy" (2009) and "Deep End of the Bottle" (2010), which garnered air play on FM106.1.

"In 2011 we picked up Don Turner on accordion. He's an awesome addition to the band," says Maplewood.

Honky Tonkitis' third album, the 17-song "Alcohol and Heartbreak,"was released earlier this year.

Honky Tonkitis' songwriter Maplewood took some musical cues from a radio show called "Honky Tonk Saturday Night" hosted by Country Dave and Sidekick Nick at WOJB on the Lac Courte Oreilles Reservation in Reserve, Wis.

"I found those shows to be an inspiration of 1940s-1970s country music. Whenever I was in northern Wisconsin I'd tape Dave's Saturday night shows," says Maplewood.

Maplewood also listened to an Internet show by Jim Loessberg on LegendRadio.com.

"He'd play Texas country and honky tonk. Listening to these shows gave me an even wider view of classic country artists and I discovered that the stuff I really liked was the more hardcore – or honky tonk – stuff," says Maplewood.

It's the stuff that dreams are made of – at least, the kind of dreams you might have while your face is resting on a barroom floor – and the band usually tells people at shows that they write songs about three subjects, namely, fighting, drinking and divorce.

"We get a good reaction in the bars and nobody's shot us yet. When you're in a bar setting, all of the songs we sing about drinking and divorce make sense. Other settings, well, sometimes we mystify people. When you're playing a church festival, people are probably thinking, 'Why are these guys playing all these songs I've never heard before about drinking and divorce?'" says Maplewood.

Honky Tonkitis also has songs that celebrate Wisconsin, like a version of "I've Been Everywhere," which they usually play to open their shows.

Maplewood says it was a lot of work to write a Wisconsin version of the Geoff Mack classic, originally about Australian places that was adapted to North America by Hank Snow in the early '60s.

A perhaps under-appreciated Honky Tonkitis song from their current album, more-or-less about Wisconsin, is "I Wanna Marry a Bartender," in which a line about serving up Brandy Old Fashioneds is repeatedly sung.

"Every line of 'I'm Leaving Wisconsin" (another original tune) references something about Wisconsin from Pabst, the Milwaukee Braves, Lawrencia Bembenek, General Motors, Cryptosporidium, FIBs on Sunday, etc. The list goes on and on," says Maplewood.

Of course, beer references in a honky tonk band should abound, and with songs like "Pabst in the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle" and "I Am the Ghost of Miller Lite," it's clear where the references originally hailed from. Honky Tonkitis also has a song called, "I'm Gonna Drink Milwaukee Dry."

"I've tried writing other tunes about Wisconsin, but I have to wait 'til they come to me. I can't force 'em," says Maplewood.

The band takes its name from a classic song title by Carl Butler, and its memorable line, "If you don't change your way of living, you'll get honky tonk-itis in your soul." But they go by other names, like when at Bastille Days they were introduced as "Honky Tonk It Is."

"We've also been called 'Honky Tonk T*ts' by people who misread the name," says Maplewood. "But the best was when we played a show with the Whiskey Belles, an all-girl band. We decided to announce ourselves as the all-boy band offshoot of their group. Before I could announce us as the Whiskey Bellies, some guy shouted out, 'You're the Whiskey D*cks!' You gotta love crowd participation," says Maplewood.

Honky Tonkitis started with Maplewood exploring the "hardcore" country genre, honky tonk, that intrigued him so much.

"I decided to take a shot at writing honky tonk songs and they just poured out of me like beer from a pitcher," says Maplewood.

Maplewood began demo-ing music on his home-recording system and inviting musicians to come in and add their instruments to it.

"One guy would suggest another guy who'd suggest another guy and within six months I had the core members of the band," says Maplewood, who is now focusing on getting their recorded music more widely distributed.

Honky tonk, while many call it "original country," is still considered a sub-genre within the pop-country and country-rock music scenes, which makes Honky Tonkitis' music as much about education in matters of taste as it is about having a rollicking good time.

"The crowd that listens to new country probably could care less what we do, but we don't really give a crap about them," says Maplewood.

Although Honky Tonkitis has usually taken the month of August off, they will be performing at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall on Saturday, Aug. 18.

They will return to their usual performance schedule on Saturday, Sept. 8, at a WMSE-sponsored show at Cathedral Square.

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We'll be playing with these guys next Saturday (8/18) night!

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Love this bio we found for The Living Deads over at their Reverb Nation site:

Hillbilly Hellcats Drummer! Jealous boyfriend!! Guns!!! Stolen truck! Plane ticket! New Bass player!

The Living Deads take Do-It-Yourself to a new level. From living full time in their RV, designing and printing their own t-shirts, to booking their own tours, this band takes it all upon themselves and they are still ready for more………

With Randee McKnight on drums/vocals and Symphony Tidwell on upright bass/vocals, they have made a name for themselves across the U.S. and Canada by “Kidnapping” various guitar players after their guitar player quit on them at 3 am as they were leaving town for their tour.

This rockabilly duo set out to turn the tables on the traditional way things are done in a band. Normally, it is the guitar player/singer who makes the calls. The Living Deads would rather throw a burlap sack over the head of tradition and start making demands.

They have kidnapped Danny B. Harvey, of The Head Cat; Chuck Hughes, of The Hillbilly Hellcats; James Hunnicutt, of the Revolvers; Hank Hays and many more.

There is no telling who they will have next in their burlap sack, so don’t even think about missing a show when they come to your town!

Remember: We'll be playing with these guys on Saturday, August 18th, at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall!

Love it!

We'll be playing with this Denver band, the Living Deads, on Saturday, August 18th, at Kochanski's. Great rockabilly and country!

That's it. Kurt's out on drums and we're getting the guy in this vid to replace him.

I think this has happened at a few Honky Tonkitis shows with Kurt.

Jason Ploetz, our old bass player, turned us on to these guys. Thanks, Jason!

Johnny Carver has a great version of the song, I Still Didn’t Have the Sense to Go, but we couldn’t track that one down on YouTube. So instead we’ll give you Sweet Wine. Not a bad second choice! If you get a chance, go track down a copy of Johnny Carver's version of I Still Didn’t Have the Sense to Go. Worth the 99 cents for an mp3 download.

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Didn't even know this existed until, like, yesterday. Awesome honky tonk-ness. A great successor to the tune Pop-A-Top.

Honky Tonkitis fans, here's one for you...and, well, for us.

From July 30th to August 3rdCDBaby.com won’t be taking any cut of MP3 sales – that’s zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing.

CDBaby.com customers are loving the redesign, and CDBaby.com thought this would be a great way to celebrate. CDBaby.com take 0% of artists’ digital sales for 5 days, and you keep 100% of your digital revenue!

So if you've been thinking about purchasing any Honky Tonkitis tunes, now's the time when it will make the most impact for us. Thanks.

The latest weapon in the fight against Asian carp doesn't look much like a weapon at all: It's the album Alcohol & Heartbreak by Honky Tonkitis. The music is blasted through underwater speakers in a 13-mile section between the Des Plaines River and the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal as they meander through the southwest suburbs.

The $7 million project, paid from the federal Great Lakes Restoration Fund, is a relatively low-tech solution to keep the dreaded carp from breaching the low-lying strip of land between the river and the shipping canal during heavy rains. For reasons scientists can't explain, this particular album drives 100% of the intrusive carp back.

"They tried everything on them," fiddle player Tom Hanson commented, "from ABBA to ZZ Top. Our album was the only one that was 100% effective."

This does not mean the band is happy.

"We're not seeing a penny of it," Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, said of the plan. "Even though they're blasting our new album twenty-four seven at these fish, somehow, that doesn't entitle us to any profits. In fact, the lawyers tell us that they're charging us because local boaters and people living nearby now need to be supplied with ear plugs."

Asian_Carp.jpg

Asian Carp: Not a fan of Honky Tonkitis?

Why don't we have beer commercials like this in the US? 

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Televangelist Pat Robertson this week announced that local band Honky Tonkitis is the reason for bad music globally. "I have spoken to God and God has told me that Honky Tonkitis sucks."

Robertson,  a media mogul, television evangelist, ex-Baptist minister and businessman politically aligned with the Christian Right in the United States made a formal statement about the band:

"The world has befallen the musical tragedies of today because of Honky Tonkitis. The tsunami that is Justin Bieber, the magnitude 7.0 earthquake of Lady Gaga, even the tragic house fire that is Eminem: God has heard the music of Honky Tonkitis, God is angered by the music of Honky Tonkitis, and God continues to allow the tragedy of today's music because of Honky Tonkitis. God is leading us through a musical desert, withholding the musical manna of Beatles and Abbas and Whos. And God will not be placated until this honky tonk AntiChrist is removed from creation." 

After reading the announcement, Honky Tonkitis drummer Kurt Weber said, "I dunno, I think our new album is pretty good. Yeah, God could be getting back at the world for our first record, but in our defense, we were a brand-new band."

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Robertson, explaining that Honky Tonkitis has caused God to even ruin the music of Metallica.

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What makes cold beer colder?  How about a true roadhouse style experience?
 
We've been fighting the heat for 5 weeks now.  Back in the day, when George Jones was playing at Robert's in Nashville, or Buck Owens was cutting his chops on Beer Can Hill in Bakersfield, or Ernest Tubb was kicking it out over the sawdust covered dance halls around San Antonio, the patrons of these establishments routinely found an iron clad, copper coiled, freon filled way to beat the heat.
 
Ice cold beer.
 
Well, boy howdy, it's time to cowboy up, my parched, dehydrated friends.
 
Honky Tonkitis will be playing at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall this Saturday night.
 
Note the name - Kochanski's Concertina BEER HALL.  That's critical.
 
We've played French influenced festivals, country countdown competitions, wine bars, porch parties, church festivals, bowling allies, state fairs, taverns and clubs, but Kochanski's is the only place we've ever played that had the audacity to spell it out precisely the way it is - the way it should be - the way that you need it this weekend -
 
KOCHANSKI'S CONCERTINA BEER HALL. *
 
http://www.beer-hall.com/
 
An honest-to-goodness BEER HALL.  With Ice Cold Beer.  Beer colder than a widow's heart.  Beer colder than a penguin's posterior.  Beer colder than the poles of Neptune.  Beer colder than a Minnesota well digger's lunch bucket in January.
 
We'll be playing songs about such beverages - quite a few of them, actually. 
 
You should join us.
 
1920 South 37th Street, Milwaukee, WI
 
 
*Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall is NOT to be confused with a British pub, where the beer is typically warmer than the fish and chips.  Andy Kochanski believes that malt belongs in beer, not vinegar.
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In a shocking surprise, the Romney vice presidential pick was unintentionally announced today on the website of local band, Honky Tonkitis.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to hold off booking shows from now through most of November,” singer Johnny Maplewood announced, “because Kurt Weber won’t be able to drum for us while he’s touring America as the Republican Vice Presidential candidate.”

Weber commented, “People may be dismayed that the Romney campaign would pick a honky tonk drummer over a perfectly good governor or congressman. I was surprised myself. I've never run for public office. Heck, I wasn’t even picked as lunchroom monitor back in grade school. But I think I’ve got what it takes in paradiddles and flanges to be one heartbeat away from the presidency.”

When Governor Romney was confronted with evidence that the VP pick had been announced, he smiled and summarized: “I looked long and hard at the qualifications of all of my potential running mates. My long history of business experience tells me Kurt Weber is the man we need in the number two spot to get this country turned around. He’s decisive, he’s intelligent, and hey, have you ever heard him play ‘Wipeout?’ Man, that guy’s good!"

When pressed on whether the band is making plans to audition new drummers for a post-November replacement, Maplewood replied, “I’ve already got a call in to Joe Biden. I hear he plays a mean country shuffle.”

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Will the potential VP be giving the potential prez drum lessons at the White House of Music?

The Milwaukee District Attorney's office is reviewing whether to press charges against a local accordion player for the band Honky Tonkitis after a dust-up in a bar last week. Although details of the bar fight are being reviewed, what has been confirmed is that Milwaukee Brewers relief pitcher John Axford was relieved of four teeth during the tavern dust-up.

Reached earlier this week after making bail, accordion player Don Turner provided his version of the altercation: “Look, Axford came into the bar dissing accordion players and accordions in general. Usually I let this kind of stuff slide right off my back, but when he went into his fourth ‘how many accordion players does it take to screw in a light bulb’ joke, I told him to pipe down. Well, one thing led to another, push came to shove, and Axford was spitting teeth like sunflower seeds.”

Axford, when reached for comment, stated that although he did indeed lose four teeth last week, they were removed by an oral surgeon rather than in a bar fight.

“An oral surgeon, that’s what he called me?” Turner laughed. “Sure, I was his oral surgeon. And Axford, if you want another appointment, just stop by the bar again and start up with the accordion jokes. I’ll be happy to squeeze you in. And I’ll make sure to feed you those teeth for breakfast along with your Lucky Charms. Green Clovers. Blue Diamonds. Purple Horse shoes. And Bloody Red teeth.”

No word yet on Axford’s next scheduled pitching appearance.

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Axford and Turner: How many teeth does it take to screw in a relief pitcher?

Honky Tonkitis will be taking on the musical stylings of Andy Kochanski this Saturday night (7/21). We're not sure what he plans to dish out, but we're sure we're going to fight fight fight!

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We haven't posted this one in a while. Thanks to our buddy, Bruce Dean, for filming this one.

Lead singer and rhythm guitarist Johnny Maplewood of the band Honky Tonkitis, announced that he will be checking into a local hospital for serious surgery early next week.

"I have a brain condition that's been worsening over the last year or so, and after multiple referrals and examinations, I've finally found a doctor who believes he can operate," Maplewood said.

In this case, Maplewood is pursuing the exploratory surgery in an effort to have the John Denver song, "Country Roads," removed from his head.

"It's been there for years and years now, slowly but inexorably eroding areas of my brain. It's a cancer really. I can't even hear of the state West Virginia without immediately thinking, 'Mountain Mama.'"

Maplewood said that his surgeon promises a quick recovery. "He only thinks it'll take me about a week to recover before they can take me home, country roads."

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Hey, if you've never checked out the WhiskeyBelles or their website before, now's the time to do it. They've got a brand new CD out and they have three songs from it that you can listen to. Click over on the pic below.

But also, a story before you go: A while back we were playing a show with the WhiskeyBelles. We announced that night that we were changing our name for the evening to one that would accompany their name. Before we could announce ourselves as the "WhiskeyBellies," some guy from the audience shouted out, "WhiskeyDicks!"

Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

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Tom Hansen, fiddle player for local band Honky Tonkitis made this announcement Thursday:

"I've been living with a secret these past three years that I must now reveal: I'm haunted by the ghost of Kenny Loggins."

When it was reported to Hansen that Kenny Loggins was not dead, he replied, "Of course not. He's all right, no one has to worry about him, because he can never truly die. He haunts me day by day."

Upon further elaboration to Hanson that Kenny Loggins was still alive and touring, Hansen said, "Indeed, he tours the spirit world telling those of us on the physical plane to 'Celebrate Me Home' and 'Cut Loose, Footloose.'"

When shown video of Kenny Loggins performing the previous weekend, Hansen told reporters, "He's taken a ride into the danger zone, one which allows even his spirit to be recorded on film."

Hansen concluded: "Time, time and again I see Kenny Loggins staring down at me with those angry eyes. It's a heavy burden."

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Local woman Janyce Hetzel declared baritone guitarist Chris Conrad of the group Honky Tonkitis to be on drugs.

"I took one look at his picture on the back of that CD (Deep End of the Bottle) and realized he was mixed up in the drugs."

Hetzel was unsure what rehab programs would offer the best solutions for Conrad's addiction problems, only stressing that he needed to attend one.

"I love baritone guitar in my honky tonk music just as much as the next Christian woman, but that young man needs to check himself in to the rehab right now."

Conrad has not commented on his plans.

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Local honky tonk group Honky Tonkitis today announced that they've been tapped to record a movie soundtrack.

Drummer Kurt Weber had this statement: "We're very pleased with this announcement. Due to the late notice of having our music added to the film, we're immediately setting to work composing pieces. The entire band is reviewing both the script and early footage to get a feel of the cadence and emotion required for the music. It will take a lot of work and a lot of creativity, but we think we're up for the challenge. We hope to have the music written and recorded in time to meet the requested deadlines."

Members of Honky Tonkitis were unsure whether they would be making a cameo appearance in the film, although they said they had high hopes.

At this time, no formal release date has been set for the film, tentatively titled, Suzee's Silky Backdoor Action 3.

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So our website scored just under 27,000 hits in June. A big new record for us. If even 1/100 of those hits translated to a CD sale, we'd have the new album paid off.

Local honky tonk musical group, Honky Tonkitis, announced today that it had added its newest member, performing on both their upcoming CD of new material, as well as in all upcoming live shows.

"Flavor Flav has officially joined the group," lead singer Johnny Maplewood announced Thursday at a formal press conference.

Flavor Flav, formerly of the rap group Public Enemy and  the star of several VH1 reality series, including The Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Flavor of Lovehad this to say about becoming the newest member of Honky Tonkitis:

"I'm fakin no moves and fakin no jax, Flavor Flav is back on the dome relax, I push all the buttons around this bitch, I'ma go get money from Bill Gates, get rich."

Maplewood suggested that Flav's rich background in TV, as a solo recording artist, and as a member of Public Enemy, popularizing the role of the hype man, would add a key new ingredient to both the live and recorded sound of the group.

"He's already practiced with us once and it went really, really well. He added pizzle to our fo' shizzle, and we were able to get out of practice right on time, thanks to that large clock he wore around his neck."

When asked what he plans to bring creatively to the band, Flav replied, "Um in position, you can't play me out da pocket, I'll take da dopest beat you got and I'll rock-it, Like chocolate, even vanilla - chocolate, strawberry, sasperella, Flavors are electric - try me - get a shock-a, Didn't I tell you to leave Flavor Flav alone knock-a?"

Maplewood added that Flav was also an accomplished mandolin player.

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Over the weekend, we started singing "Angry Birds Song" over the chorus of "Heard It In A Love Song" by Marshall Tucker Band. Can't get it out of my head now. I'm in hell.

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Today's the day for the Kochanski Polish Pile-Up. Vintage cars, babes and bands! Nothing could be sweeter! Honky Tonkitis will take the outdoor stage at 4pm. Roger and the Wraybands will take the outdoor stage at 6pm. You should be there.

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In a shocking announcement Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled the new Honky Tonkitis album, Alcohol & Heartbreak, unconstitutional.

Singer Johnny Maplewood responded with sadness over the decision: "This just went to trial two months ago. I had no idea they would rule so quickly over this album. Last I heard, Milli Vanilli was still waiting for the decision to come down on Girl You Know It's True. I don't know what pushed our album to the top of the list."

Maplewood's question was likely answered in a rare written commentary by Justice Scalia on the case. "I find this whole Honky Tonkwhatsis album to be a big steaming pile of crap. I only wish I could be granted the power to declare this entire band of misfits unconstitutional. I'd like to see them put in front of a firing squad. It's going to take many long nights of hard drinking to get those songs out of my head. I've never felt more like retiring from the Supreme Court. But dammit, I won't. I won't give these jerks the satisfaction."

Maplewood concluded his press conference by saying, "Do I have any regrets? I guess my only regret is that I listened to our accordion player, Don Turner, when he told me he could do a stand-up job as our attorney. To think that all it took was for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to wake up and legally rip Don a new one, well, that was the beginning of the end."

Honky Tonkitis has until next month to remove all copies of their new album from the market and burn them in a great flaming pyre on the front lawn of the Wisconsin State Capitol on August 1st.

Other, less important rulings were released by the US Supreme Court Thursday.

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Alcohol & Heartbreak: now Honky unconstitutional

Here comes the weekend of Kochanski's Polish Pile-Up. Vintage cars, babes and bands! Nothing could be sweeter! Honky Tonkitis will take the outdoor stage at 4pm. Roger and the Wraybands will take the outdoor stage at 6pm. You should be there.

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Shocking news for the group Honky Tonkitis, Tuesday, involving fiddle player Tom Hansen announced a serious medical accident that has doctors and scientists puzzled.

The incident began when Hansen's violin was unexpectedly bombarded by massive amounts of Gamma radiation in a lab experiment. Although it appeared to have no negative consequences at first, it soon became apparent that any time Hansen began feeling stressed or angry, his 5'9", 120lb body was transformed to that of ragaing 6'6" 220 pound unthinking, hulking monster that calls itself "Conrad."

The first such transformation occurred on stage at a recent Bay View event after Hansen played a particularly sour note on his violin. Spectators observed Hansen grow agitated before suddenly convulsing and appearing to grow in size and stature to something more like a raging beast.

"I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," bystander Brian Smith reported, "One minute he's a mild-mannered fiddle player pulling a great run on Orange Blossom Special and the next minute he's this giant with a guitar screaming, 'Conrad SMASH! Conrad DESTROY!'"

After a set of bellowing and playing guitar with the group, the humongous brute lumbered off stage, appearing to vanish. A short time later, Hansen was found backstage in a numbed state, wearing nothing but an oversized pair of purple pants.

Efforts to get an explanation for the incident out of Hansen only resulted in him providing a short response: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Police are still investigating.

Tom Hansen: Man...

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or Monster?

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If you're not already on our homepage, go there now and check out our cool new CD Baby store widget! You can now buy mp3's of individual Alcohol & Heartbreak tunes or the whole stinkin' album, plus any combination of our last two albums as well! This just rocks! The physical CD will also be for sale by CD Baby in a couple days. Keep checking back!

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Car show. Pin-up girls. Honky Tonkitis. Roger and the Wraybands. This one's gonna rock.

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The "Alcohol & Heartbreak" CD is now for sale at Rushmor Records and Tip Top Atomic Shop, in Milwaukee.

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Two shows to see and be at this Saturday. First, Honky Tonkitis at this one:

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We'll have the new CD's along with us.

Second, Johnny Maplewood will be performing with

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They'll be at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall on Saturday night, 9pm - midnight. There will be a cover charge.

Hope to see you this weekend.

At long last, the CD's have arrived! That means we'll have them for sale at our show this coming weekend at the Xaverian Mission fest, and they'll soon be in stores as well. We're also going to be shipping them off to CD Baby, which also means they'll be going to Itunes. Hopefully, all you people that aren't in the Wisconsin area can then purchase or download the album by next week. Yeehaw!

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Based on community concern over a recent show flyer, Private Detective John Shaft has been brought in to investigate potentially explosive allegations.

"These dudes are going around playing 'Honky style' music? What is this, 1860 Mississippi? Man, I ain't smelled something this funny since I left Harlem."

Drummer Kurt Weber reported that he met privately with Shaft to explain the situation: "I tried again and again to tell Shaft that this was just a poster error, but he just kept yelling, 'Up yours, baby!'. Honestly, I don't know what to do. He's a complicated man. I guess no one understands him but his woman."

Singer Johnny Maplewood called a press conference to try to clear up the misunderstanding, but when he announced that Shaft was a bad mother-, there were calls from the crowd of "Shut your mouth!" When Maplewood explained that he was talking about Shaft, the crowd acknowledged they could dig it.

"I don't know about this Shaft guy," Maplewood concluded, "He's a cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about. Maybe we can work out our differences over the festival's Saturday night spaghetti dinner."

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#1: More fun for the Kochanski's Polish Pile-up show on Saturday, June 30th. A pin-up contest!

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#2: Who knew that our own Chris Conrad could write, much less build a race car? Check it out here:

http://www.mossmotoring.com/reaching-for-the-top/

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Honky Tonkitis announced today that the date has been set for the Ultimate Fight Competition between HT fiddle player, Tom Hansen, and international singing sensation, Barry Manilow.

"We've really regretted this long-time conflict between Tom and Barry," singer Johnny Maplewood announced, "But all attempts to bring these two together and settle this peacefully have failed. They both agreed that this could be resolved in a way that would show off all of their physical talents while effectively 'burying the hatchet,' so to speak. We think it's best they do this in a controlled mixed martial arts setting with a sanctioned referee and medical staff standing by."

Hansen commented, "Barry! Your time is coming, Barry! You know why he writes the songs? Because it helps him take his mind off me busting his f***ing head in! You know why he can't smile without you, baby? Because I'm gonna punch out ALL his f***ing teeth!

In concert Tuesday, Manilow addressed the upcoming fight by telling his audience of thirty thousand, "Talk all you want, Hansen. You can't hide behind that trash talk once I get you in the ring! I'm coming for you! YOU!" He then proceeded to perform his hit song, "Mandy."

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Manilow-Hansen: The fight of the century?

Good news! The CD's are completed and are now being shipped! Hoping to see them sometime this week! Those that we get in will immediately go into local Milwaukee stores like Rushmore.

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Our good buddies, Gods Outlaw, are celebrating their CD release party tonight (Saturday, 6/16) at Club Garibaldi (2501 S. Superior St., Bay View, WI, (414) 483-6335). Grab all your friends and head down there. These guys are a great trio and a great asset to good honky tonk music.

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In a blow to the honky tonk community, it was revealed today that drummer Kurt Weber of local group Honky Tonkitis has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

The report, released by Modern Drummer magazine, said Weber tested positive for an abnormally high level of testosterone in his system. No drummer is known to have had a positive drug test overturned on appeal but the details would not be released in that event.

As a direct result, Weber faces a twenty show suspension from the group Honky Tonkitis.

Weber refused to answer questions from the media and has since retreated to his northern Wisconsin home.

Guitarist Chris Conrad did go on record as saying, "I had noticed that Kurt's drumming had dramatically improved in the past six months. He was hitting all of the tempo changes right on the mark and he was starting to keep up with the rest of the band on Orange Blossom Special. But to find out that he was on PED's? Man, nothing's worth that. But at least it explains the constant lactating and strong mood swings."

"No one is more disappointed than I am," singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "because I'm the guy who has to train his replacement. And the only guy we could get usually plays with an ABBA cover band, and that dude just sucks."

No word yet as to whether Weber will have to return his 2011 "Best Honky Tonk Drummer on the West Side of Milwaukee" award.

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Weber: Performance-enhanced Honky Tonk?

Startling similarities arise when comparing singer Johnny Maplewood to the Milwaukee Brewers' center fielder, Carlos Gomez.

They both own the exact same apple green suit. Gomez picked his suit up from Nikavonnis Menswear in Milwaukee (3rd & Wisconsin) on Friday afternoon. Maplewood acquired his at the same store the following Monday.

Differences between the two: Gomez is extremely talented, successful, and makes $1.5 million a year.

Coming tomorrow: The startling similarities between Kurt Webber and Ryan Braun.

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Carlos Gomez and Johnny Maplewood: Separated at birth?

Thanks to everyone who came out to see us at Chill on the Hill in Bay View last night. Brian Smith and the Carpetbaggers were great bands to play with. A fantastic night overall. Hope to see you all at a future show.

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

Chill On the Hill-Humboldt Park

Chill on the Hill! - 6-9pm

3000 S. Howell Ave.
Milwaukee Wisconsin 53207
Price: FREE

 Honky Tonkitis joins the Carpetbaggers and Brian Smith from God's Outlaw for a great evening of music in the bandshell at Humboldt Park. Free and open to the family! Bring your blanket, your picnic basket and your beer. Brought to you by the Bay View Neighborhood Association.

We'll be playing with the Carpetbaggers, another Milwaukee country group, tomorrow night (6/12) at Chill on the Hill. Here's a sample of them:

In a surprise move Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was cutting off funds for honky tonk band, Honky Tonkitis.

"I've warned the group over and over that they needed to start writing better songs. I even gave them a $1.25 million tax incentive to write better songs. And what have they done? Written some more crappy songs about drinking beer."

The band seemed unprepared for this turnabout by Wisconsin's governor.

"I know we'd been getting a monthly check for $1.57," lead singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "and that I'd get a five percent discount every time I shopped at Wal-Mart. I just thought that was happenstance, or a smiley-faced special or something."

The Governor continued the get-tough attitude in his speech: "The days of honky tonk welfare are over. If you're not willing to work with this administration, you will find your honky tonk band at the end of a very long line. Going forward, we are doubling taxes on all beer purchased by members of this group. Let that be a lesson to others who continue to spurn us."

"We had hoped the band would listen and move in more of a George Jones musical direction as we had suggested. Well, I'm here to say, I've got at least four George Jones albums and have seen him in concert. You, my friends, are no George Jones."

Accordion player Don Turner had this to say: "I was using that buck-fifty-seven to buy Ramen noodles at the Wal-Mart every month! And now the price of my Pabst has doubled? If that doesn't get us sounding like George Jones, I don't know what will!"

Scott Walker

We're looking for a Hank Williams tune to bookend our own "Praying in the House of Hank." This may be the tune. Plus, this is a great arrangement of the tune, what with the big singalong. If the stars align just right, you may hear this at the Chill on the Hill show next Tuesday. And when we say "if the stars align just right," we mean, "if we don't play it like crap."

Less than a week away and Honky Tonkitis will be taking the stage at Chill on the Hill in Bay View. A great free family event with lots to do and lots of space to hang out and listen to a night's worth of good music. 

Honky Tonkitis joins the Carpetbaggers and Brian Smith from God's Outlaw for a great evening of music in the bandshell at Humboldt Park. Free and open to the family! Bring your blanket, your picnic basket and your beer. Brought to you by the Bay View Neighborhood Association.

Next Tuesday, June 12th, 6-9 pm.

http://bayviewneighborhood.org/chill_on_the_hill

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Honky Tonkitis violin player, Tom Hansen, announced that he will be taking a leave of absence from the group for the summer season to embark on a tour with the legendary hard rock group, Kiss.

“I received a last-minute call from Kiss’ management. They reported to me that Kiss was looking to tour this summer and wanted to add a different artistic element to the group. They’d seen a YouTube clip of me playing with Honky Tonkitis and felt that I would be a good match for their band.”

When asked why he had decided to make the abrupt musical departure with Honky Tonkitis on the verge of releasing a new album, Hansen said, “I'm just looking for an artistic change of pace. I wanted to stretch my musical boundaries and allow my violin skills to be appreciated by a different and larger audience than what I’d been doing in Honky Tonkitis. I feel like Kiss is allowing me to really stretch out my musical talent.”

Pressed for specifics about his artistic involvement with Kiss, Hansen said, “Things have moved so fast that they haven’t been able to detail too much at this point. But they have done a costume fitting and shown me a couple of models of the violin I’ll be playing. It’s a cross between a Stradivarius and a medieval sword. At one point during the show I’ll be taking a spotlight solo on Calling Dr. Love. At the end of the solo my violin will burst into flames and I will swallow the sword-section of it. Black blood will then gush from my mouth as fireworks shoot out of the Stradivarius section.”

Hansen in his Kiss make-up persona of “Pippi StarDemon.”

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Our old buddies, Roger and the Wraybands, will be playing this Saturday night in Kenosha at the Rendezvous Tiki Lounge (where this pic was taken). Our own Johnny Maplewood will be joining them on the microphone for a dozen tunes. Best yet, they've got a new second guitarist, so they'll be in prime form. Head over to our Calendar page to get the full details.

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Doncha wish this was Roger with his backup band? Many of those girls will be at the show. Just not playing guitars or drums. Which makes it easier to talk to them.

Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall has an advance copy of our new CD. Get over there and badger Andy to play it.

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 After much debate by critics and experts, it's been confirmed by the Xaverians that Honky Tonkitis does indeed play cracker music, as you'll see in the poster below. Stop on by on Saturday, June 23rd, to see if the Xaverians nailed it.

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The last two albums we released ("You Drink and Drive Me Crazy" and "Deep End of the Bottle") were titled after songs on each of the albums. The same was going to happen for this one. We have a song called, "Daddy Smells Like Alcohol and Heartbreak," but it didn't make the cut for the new album. But the shorter couplet best described the music on the album, so we decided to go with it. It probably works much better than our other choices, "Your Mother Looks Like Whiskey and Cigarettes" and "Darling, Help Daddy Carry the Beer Home from the Store."

 

Okay, we've extended the new album sample to about double what it was before, plus this is the "mastered" version, so it should sound a tad more balanced and cohesive. Head over to the Jukebox page to give it a listen. Then buy twenty-six copies of the CD (or Download just forty-three copies from Itunes) when it comes out next month.

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Since the 1:41 long sample of the new album seemed to go over well, we're going to work on a longer one that gives you at least ten seconds of each new recorded tune. Kinda like an audio striptease!

We've added another gig date to the Calendar page. Go over there and take a look. This is a great one!

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If you haven't figured it out yet, sometimes the Bar Talk page will have updates that don't show up on the little Homepage update blurb. That's because we haven't figured out how to link the two together. Even though we can set up our Bar Talk updates days in advance, we can't do it on the Homepage as well. A level of webpage nerdness that we have not yet achieved. We think they offered the class at some point, but we had to miss it for a beer special. Somebody help us out with the HTML to do this! In the meantime, we'll set the website to post the most recent news here on the homepage. Now open another beer.

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As we prepare for the new CD, Alcohol and Heartbreak, to be released in June, we welcome you music reviewers and radio station people to contact us with requests for free copies of the disk. Just message us through this website with your address and other pertinent info and we'll do our best to get a copy of the disk out to each and every one of you.

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OK, the good news today is that the music for the new album has now been sent off to the CD manufacturing plant. Here's the list of songs in their order:

1-Pabst in the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle

2-I Wanna Marry A Bartender

3-Snap-On Fool

4-What Would George Jones Do?

5-Alimony Is A Four Letter Word

6-Tavern of Love

7-I'm Ready to Drink

8-Johnny Cash Would Kick Your Ass

9-It Only Hurt A Little

10-I Only Drink to Fall Down

11-I'm Gonna Drink Milwaukee Dry

12-Congratulations, You're A Loser

13-Down And Drunk

14-Why Don't You Understand Me?

15-Most of My Friends Are Behind Bars

16-Kiss My Heineken

17-Praying in the House of Hank

We should have the CD ready for release some time in June. Wish we could say when, but that's up to the CD manufacturing plant and the mailman.

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Okay, the One Minute Forty-One Second version of our new album is up. Go take a listen at our Jukebox page. We apologize that it sounds a little muddy, it was sampled at a low level to create this. The finished project sounds great compared to this.

After watching the video for "The Return of the Spectacular Spinning Songbook," we're of the opinion that we need to hire a go-go dancer for our shows.

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Nope, it's not up yet, but within the week we'll be posting a less than two minute sampler of all the songs on the new album. Kind of like those old K-Tel album commercials used to do. Made especially for those of you with attention deficit disorders. Just enough time for you to say, "This is great!" or "This is crap!"

So, all of the tracks for the new CD are mixed. The next step is to have it mastered by a mastering studio so that all of the songs have the same volume, EQ, etc. Basically, they make sure that the music sounds good on any sound system, from mp3 player to yacht surround sound. For those of you keeping score at home, we use Mastermind Productions to master our albums.

OK, so here's the cover we chose. Hope none of you are disappointed that we didn't pick one of the other three that we posted here not too long ago. Once again, the credit goes to Emi Franzen for the great design.

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Don claims he dated this girl and that he had to break up with her because she didn't appreciate his accordion playing. We believe the second part but believe the first part was inflated. Like a blow-up doll.

If Merle Haggard hadn't done this tune originally, Honky Tonkitis would've. This could be our anthem. Maybe some day we'll start performing it. Right now, we got some drinking to do. 

Some Thursdays just require a little Michael Hurtt & His Haunted Hearts.

Local accordion player Don Turner was fired by his employer Tuesday when he refused to turn over has MySpace ID and password to the company.

"MySpace? Does that site even EXIST anymore?" Turner commented.

"I think I had one of those when I was in high school." Drummer Kurt Weber added, "I put a picture of Neil Peart on it. A lot of my friends liked it. I mean, not clicking on it to 'like' it. You couldn't do that on MySpace. They just would see me at school and tell me they liked it."

Singer Johnny Maplewood had a different view altogether.

"Hey, look, what Don's putting on his MySpace page is important for an employer to know about. They need to know that he's not discussing secret info or citicizing his own company. I mean, how do I know he's not dissing my singing skills on his page or making bass player jokes behind my back there? Let me tell you, it would explain a lot of the laughing that goes on at our shows when I play a bass solo. Turner, you get me that MySpace password by Friday or you're outta the band!"

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Worked last night to get the final accordion tracks for the new CD as well as adding Bruce Dean on mandolin to Praying in the House of Hank. Wow. All we can say about that song is, oh man, wait till you hear it!

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Which one should be the cover of our next CD?

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We spent a fun-filled day recording "Praying In the House of Hank" for next month's (I hope) CD release. What better way to spend a rainy Sunday than with five men in a basement full of beer and band instruments?

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Okay, so we've decided that our newest song, Praying In the House of Hank, deserves to be put on the new CD, so we're getting together this weekend and recording it. Then we're doing everything in our power to push this CD into the home stretch so that we can have it out in a month or so!

We added a new date to the calendar-Chill on the Hill in Bay View. Go check it out!

There are many different versions of this song, but this one is our fave.

 

Added our cover of Dance the Night Away to the Jukebox page from last Friday's show at Kochanski's. Not bad, for the first time playing it live.

So hey, Honky Tonkitis-aphiles. Don't freak out, but the band's going to be taking the month of May off. Too many people out of town, etc., to fit in any shows. We'll be back in June, including a date at Bay View's Chill on the Hill. So keep checking back for updates. We'll still be posting regularly on the website.

Many cool gigs coming in June!

The band is adding the Mavericks' Dance the Night Away as well as our own brand new tune, Praying in the House of Hank for this Friday's show at Kochanski's.

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New day, new Rumble Seat Riot vid. Today: Back Seat Bingo. Playing with us this Friday at Kochanski's.

Here's another one for the Des Moines boys, Rumble Seat Riot, who'll be playing with us this Friday night Kochanski's.

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This Friday night, Honky Tonkitis squares off against Des Moines, IA's own Rumble Seat Riot for a night of rockabilly and honky tonk. Sure to make bar owner Andy Kochanski wet his pants and beg for his mama!

FRIDAY, APRIL 20TH, 2012
Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall
Honky Tonkitis vs. Rumble Seat Riot - 9pm-close
1920 S. 37th St. (37th and Burnham)
Milwaukee
414-83-POLKA
Price: Cover Charge

Hope to see you there.

Never heard this one until today, listening to Bootleg Vol. 2. Love Johnny's voice on this. A great, simple production.

A great tune for Wayne Kemp. Lame YouTube pic.

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This Saturday night, Johnny Maplewood will be playing rhythm guitar with the rockin' surf (and now garage rock) sound of Roger and the Wraybands at the Silver Dollar Tavern. 336 Green Bay Rd, Highwood, IL. Roger, pictured above, will be there to draw the women like a magnet.

We've added a date to our Calendar page. Mark your calendars for Saturday afternoon, June 23rd. A family event!

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Kurt Weber's line of work before the restraining order kicked in.

April 20th at Kochanski's with Honky Tonkitis.

Our next Kochanski's show on April 20th will see us facing off against Des Moines, IA's own Rumble Seat Riot. These guys plays some great Rockabilly. Click on their logo below to be taken to their Facebook page. Song samples are available there. We'll post YouTube videos of them in days to come.

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Head on over to our Jukebox page. We've added a live version of Orange Blossom Special there.

Thanks again to the Milwaukee Accordion Club for having us perform at their meeting last night. A great group of people that made us feel really welcome. We really appreciated how friendly everybody was and we forgive you for not letting us win the raffle. We hope you've forgiven us for all the accordion jokes. If not: Why do beautiful women want to hug accordion players? Because it's the only way to get them to stop playing.

It was also nice to see Andy Kochanski at last night's event. Thanks for coming out, Andy.

We've added another date to our gig calendar, but we're not going to make it easy on you. You've got to go over there to see it for yourself.

We'll be adding a new tune to the Jukebox page in days to come, so keep checking back there. Obsessively, if you like.

And yes, the new CD is still progressing nicely, thanks.

This Mavericks song came up in conversation over the weekend. Never saw the video so...what the hell...post it. Great tune.

It's time for the Honky Tonkitis Monday night Milwaukee Accordion Club gig! Here's the essentials:

Monday, March 26th, 8-10pm

Root River Bowling Center

7220 West Rawson Avenue, Franklin, WI 53132

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This man is willing to take on any accordion players who think they know how to play honky tonk music. He will slay his opponents, drink their blood, and eat the hearts of their children.

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Slow weekend? Not for Roger of Roger and the Wraybands. He's got a girl picked out for Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. And he just might mix 'n match if he starts to get bored. You can see this man in action with his guitar on Saturday, April 7th at the Silver Dollar Tavern. 336 Green Bay Rd, Highwood, IL. Johnny Maplewood will be there as well to try to pick up Roger's sloppy seconds.

Here's a great Warren Smith tune we got recently on his Call of the Wild compilation CD. Warren was one of those rockabilly guys on Sun Records who really wanted to branch out to country. Unfortunately, Sam Phillips, the owner of Sun Records, was having none of it and wanted Warren to keep doing the rock 'n roll stuff. Well, just like Elvis, then Cash, then Carl Perkins, Warren took a walk after his contract was up with Sun Records and went on to record some great honky tonk records. Pick up that Call of the Wild CD and you'll see what we mean.

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Who is this man and why is he so successful with the ladies? Why, he's Roger, leader of Roger and the Wraybands. And the women go ga-ga over that instrument surf guitar music. You can see him, along with the Wraybands (and all the lovely ladies that follow) on Saturday, April 7th at the Silver Dollar Tavern. 336 Green Bay Rd, Highwood, IL. Our own Johnny Maplewood will be playing rhythm guitar with them.

Yessss! Johnny Maplewood will be guesting with Roger and the Wraybands, Chicago's kings of surf, on Saturday, April 7th at the Silver Dollar Tavern. 336 Green Bay Rd, Highwood, IL

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We've added the Milwaukee Accordion Club as a link on our Links Page. If you've been over to our calendar page, you'll see that we're playing for the Milwaukee Accordion Club next Monday night. Go over there and get the info! Click the pic below if you want to go straight to the Milwaukee Accordion Club. Click a Honky Tonkitis pic if you want to go straight to hell.

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It's nice to kick-start sets with something a little different while the band's still loosening up. Last night it was Grand Funk Railroad's "Some Kind of Wonderful" with fill-in lyrics about the awesomeness of a pitcher of Pabst. Thanks to everybody who came out to our first show at that awesome bar. We can't believe all the dancing that was had. And some great swing dancers at well.

Jason Ploetz is in the house at Magellans! Yes!!!

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Time to stretch that liver and do some drinking warm-up exercises to prepare you for St. Patrick's Day on Saturday! We're going honky tonkin' this Friday night in Waukesha! Come on out to Magellans on Main Street for three hours of Honky Tonkitis, beer and great pizza! Most importantly, it's a FREE SHOW!

Friday, March 16th, 8pm-close
Magellans on Main Street
370 W. Main Street
Waukesha, WI 53186

262-524-0420
Price: FREE

Hope to see you there!

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We were so young and innocent then...

We haven't seen many videos of Jean Shepard in her early recording years. We thought everyone should take a gander at this one. Jean's got a good number of "my man's a jerk" songs. Loretta Lynn would go punch out the other woman. Jean would probably go punch out her man.

The excellence that is Loretta Lynn. Pound for pound, she has the best song titles of any honky tonker out there.

It seems like only yesterday...

We picked up Michael Hurtt and His Haunted Heart's CD, Come Back to Louisiana, at last Saturday night's show. It is great! It has not left the CD player nor the Ipod. We highly recommend you pick it up! Here's the link to purchase it: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/mhahhh

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Just wanted to say, thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday night to see us at Kochanski's with Michael Hurtt and His Haunted Hearts. The place was packed and MH&HHH played a great show with us! We'd also like to thank Bruce Dean for sitting in with us on mandolin for a set. It's great to be rewarded with such a loud, drunk audience that shows us their love. And dancing! Yikes!

On our road to recovery, we're working today on a new tune called, "Praying In the House of Hank."

Stop by tomorrow for more info.

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Is your head hurting from last night? Listen to this quietly.

Saturday night! Kochanski's! Honky Tonkitis! Michael Hurtt & His Haunted Hearts! Be there! 

First and foremost: Tomorrow night at Kochanski's with Michael Hurtt & his Haunted Hearts! This is going to be a great show! Arrive early! Drink earlier!

Saturday night's suit color: Royal blue

Tommy WILL be playing with us at this show. His schedule got switched around and he can now make the show. Bruce Dean will also probably be playing some of the show with us on mandolin!

In February, we fell a couple hundred short of TWENTY THOUSAND HITS! Shocking. We'll have to revisit our theory from a week ago on how this is happening. Suggestions are welcome.

We've forwarded a couple of tunes from our upcoming album to Milwaukee's own 91.7 FM, WMSE radio. Keep your ears tuned for Pabst In the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle and Snap-On Fool.

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Yikes! Is this the next cover song the band is going to learn? Honky Tonk version? 

Tommy originally wasn't going to be able to make this show, but due to a schedule mix-up, he's now going to make it!

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In addition, there'll be a book signing going on from 7-9pm for the book, Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall: The Return of Rockabilly, by local photographer, Philo. It's a great book, full of tons of photos taken at Kochanski's.

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Go check out the Jukebox page for a tune called Little Boxes. We demo'd this tune a couple years ago and never did anything with it. Any of you who are fans of the cable show Weeds should recognize it.

More Michael Hurtt and His Haunted Hearts! See them with us this Saturday (March 3rd) at Kochanski's!

Yeehaw! Just got off the phone with Andy Kochanski. Turns out that at the last minute we got paired up for our show there on Saturday, March 3rd with...wait for it...Michael Hurtt and his Haunted Hearts! This is gonna be one helluva show! Plus, this is also the book signing night for the photo book about Kochanski's bar.

For our show next week (Saturday, March 3rd) at Kochanski's, we'll have our good friend Bruce Dean subbing in for Tom. So, add a mandolin, subtract a violin. Word is he'll also be doing an intro set by his lonesome. So come early, and bring rotten fruit and vegetables. Ha!

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Could this man be the solution to Honky Tonkitis' problems? Probably not.

Head over to our Jukebox page for another tune from our show at Kochanski's in early February. A classic by Mel Tillis. Hope we didn't ruin it.

A clip of us from the other night at Lo Cash Live. Thanks to Bruce Dean.

Can't talk. Busy working on a tune called "Ten Thousand Flushes."

A Sunday song for those of you feeling the aftereffects of Saturday night.

Head over to pics page and you'll see that we've been adding new photos from our last photo session. Hope to see ya all at Lo Cash tonight. Enjoy!

Just a reminder that we're playing at Lo Cash Live this Saturday night (9pm-close) in Milwaukee. We'll be recording the show (as always), and if it works out, we'll be shooting video for portions of the show as well. So hey, it's free, and you can be recorded for posterity shouting rude things. What have you got to lose?

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Sometimes a song you've heard a million times before suddenly comes up out of nowhere and smacks you in the face and it's like you've never heard the song before. That's what this song did to us recently. We ran through it in practice last night and there's a good chance we'll be covering it soon. Ray Price is the master. 

We've added a new tune to the Jukebox! Check out our live version of Johnny Horton's Honky Tonk Man, recording at our last show at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall.

Remember: for those gents out there who may have goofed on this here Valentine's day and are trying to make it up to their sweet honeys, bring them out for a beautiful night of booze, barbecue, and honky tonk this Saturday night at Lo-Cash Live. And hell, there's no cover charge, so you can buy her a box of chocolates on top of it. In addition, this is the color you're going to see on the stage:

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It's those subtle cues that get her in the mood.

We're too poor and have too little time on our hands to create a YouTube video for this, so instead, we thought we'd just compile the list here. This is our list of Schlitz Girls Say to Honky Tonk Bands:

Do you play any Kenny Chesney?

You guys should all wear cowboy hats.

Do you play any songs I know?

I should be your singer. I'm a really good singer.

My cousin's band knows ALL Garth Brooks' songs!

The mix sounds...weird.

Can you sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

If you guys were better looking you'd be really popular.

Can I sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

Five bucks! You guys aren't worth paying five bucks!

Can you guys turn down?

Do you guys know any Ke$ha?

But I was already here drinking! I shouldn't have to pay!

Have you guys ever done popular music?

You guys should have uniforms.

Why don't any of you guys wear chaps?

That one guy in your band is...weird.

Do you know any good country music? Like the Eagles?

You guys would be totally hot if you were younger.

Do you play any songs we can dance to?

Bands never make me pay to get in!

Kenny Chesney is totally NOT gay! He was married to Renee whats-her-name.

You know who'd really like your guys' music? My grandpa. He's dead.

Many of you have probably heard that if you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album while watching the movie The Wizard of Oz that they eerily match up perfectly. It's like a whole new groovy soundtrack added to that crazy movie.

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We got word this week that one of our fans stumbled onto much the same thing themselves. Supposedly, if you plan our album Deep End of the Bottle, while watching the movie Mommie Dearest, you'll cheer for the Joan Crawford character.

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We've added baritone guitars to the track, I'm Gonna Drink Milwaukee Dry for the new CD. Sounds great! Still have to get some fiddle added, then that song should be done.

Ironically, what song from our "Deep End of the Bottle" album has never been performed live by us? For our next show, Lo Cash Live on Saturday, 2/18, we'll finally be playing it.

We've had a tune called Most of My Friends Are Behind Bars sitting on the backburner for a while. We recorded it when we were recording the bed tracks (bass, guitar and drums) for our next CD and then kind of forgot about it. For our last Kochanski's show we thought we'd play it for the hell of it. And guess what? it went over great! So, one more tune for the next CD.

We hope to see you all at our next show. That's Saturday, Feb. 18th, starting around 9pm at Lo Cash Live (124 W. National Ave.). We'll be playing by our lonesomes (since there's only space for one band). Best of all, the show is FREE.

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We've added a new live tune to the jukebox. Our version of That's Why I Sing In A Honky Tonk from last Friday's (2/3) show at Kochanski's.

Thanks to everybody who came out to see Honky Tonkitis and Three Blue Teardrops at Kochanski's last night. It was great to play to a packed house with such a lively (and lovely) audience. We hope to see you many more times in the future. Thanks, too, to John K. and Bruce Dean for sitting in with the band. We got a great recording of the show and will post a few tunes as soon as we can. Finally, thanks to Andy Kochanski for supplying the alcohol and good humor.

The boys of Honky Tonkitis

As we continue to work on the next album, we're also contemplating releasing a 45 at the same time. Whaddaya think?

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For the last couple months, we've been averaging 400 hits a day on this website. What the hell? Where are all these people? Why aren't they mobbing our shows? Why aren't we selling out of disks? We have our theories:

beauty_pic-C_Conrad.JPG Chris Conrad: I made a little deal with a Chinese company that uses political prisoner labor to increase the daily hits on our site. Best $22.34 per month I ever spent! And, after twelve months, they send me a complimentary bride!

beauty_pic-T_Hanson_resized.JPG Tom Hanson: That's my ex-girlfriend, Starrie. Ever since the restraining order went in place, the only way she can try to be near me is through this website. Please, Starrie, I beg you, move on with your life. Don't make me take this back to court.

beauty_pic-K_Weber.JPG Kurt Weber: Uh, have you guys ever clicked on honkytonkitis.com? I did the other day, uh, "accidentally." There's pictures of farmers doing things with cows that are not legal in most states! Maybe Wisconsin. I think people just come here by mistake.

Don_Turner-p.jpg Don Turner: Is it my fault it I like to toss back a few brandy old fashioned sweets every night and see where my computer takes me? So what if I give this website address as the main place the ladies can reach me. Boo hoo, ya losers. Get your own life.

beauty_pic-J_Steffes.JPG Johnny Maplewood: Can't type. Fingers sore. Using tongue.

Here's one more vid by Three Blue Teardrops, our opponents for this Friday night's battle of the stages!

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Jeannie C. Reilly's flip side for Harper Valley PTA. This song is way better!

Just went and looked at the "Mouth Off" message board on this here website. After reading Chris Conrad's messages, you have to wonder: what the hell is he smoking? And why doesn't he share it at the gigs?

Don added more accordion Wednesday night. The new CD is coming together nicely! Can't wait for everyone to hear it. And, we got the 11X17 posters in the mail. They look great!

More from Three Blue Teardrops, the band we're playing against at Kochanski's on Friday, Feb. 3rd. 

I wish we had written this song.

You can click on the link below to join the band on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=72210342719

 Once there, you can share terrible, dirty, made-up things about the band with other Honky Tonkitis fans while we sit back and don't care.

Here's one of the most kickass Norma Jean songs. Just a great tune and a great arrangement. This song may someday be covered by Honky Tonkitis. It'll sound just like this version, with a guy singing instead. 

Here's a list of the songs for the next CD:

Pabst In the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle

I Wanna Marry a Bartender

Snap-On Fool

What Would George Jones Do?

Alimony Is A Four Letter Word

Tavern of Love

I’m Ready to Drink

Johnny Cash Would Kick Your Ass

It Only Hurt A Little

I Only Drink to Fall Down

I’m Gonna Drink Milwaukee Dry

Congratulations, You’re A Loser

Down and Drunk

Why Don’t You Understand Me?

Shut the Hell Up

Kiss My Heineken

 

None of these tunes is anything new to anyone who's seen us perform live. Most of them have been in our playlist for the last year to year-and-a-half.

Now the big question: What should the album title be?

So, the band would like to ask you a favor.

Go share our tunes with a friend of yours' who hasn't heard us yet. Send a friend to our website to listen to some of the mp3's. Loan 'em one of our CD's. Get them to commit to going to one of our shows with you.

Maybe they'll hate you. Maybe they'll hate us. Maybe they'll thank you forever, give you their hunting dog and draw up a new will giving all of their stuff to you once you die.

You never know. Stranger things have happened. But honky tonk lives on.

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Don came in last week and recorded accordion parts for ten songs in two hours! Awesome!

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Ordered the mass-produced 11X17 posters of the band from the new gig photos today. We should have them in our hands by Monday at the latest. Looking forward to using a much higher-quality poster for our shows!

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Boy howdy, it's been a day.

Bad news: The Roger and the Wraybands date this Saturday Jan. 14th has become the victim of a double booking.

Good news: It will be rescheduled!

 

Bad news: Honky Tonkitis' date at Magellans in Waukesha on Jan. 21st has become the victim of a double booking.

Good news: We've rescheduled with them. We'll see y'all there on St. Patrick's day evening, Saturday March 17th!

 

Bad news: Honky Tonkitis' date at Bobbleheads on Feb. 18th has been canceled while the bar closes to make some updates.

Good news: We're now scheduled to play at Lo Cash Live on Saturday, Feb. 18th. No cover charge!

 

More good news: We've got two new dates on the calendar at Kochanski's!

 

So head on over to our calendar page with your pocket calendar, a bottle of whiskey and a shot glass!

We'll be playing with Chicago's own Three Blue Teardrops on February 3rd at Kochanski's. Here's a sample:

Welcome to 2012! 

Honky Tonkitis' website had more than 100,000 hits in 2011!

We just added Feb. 3rd at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall. We hope to see 100,000 of you there!

Happy Christmas! War is over! From John and Yoko and the boys.

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Well, the weirdness continues. After getting more than 16,000 hits on our website last month, we're now coming up on the 100K hit count here on our website for one year. Just think: if each one of those hits was a CD purchase, we'd still be less popular than a Kenny G Christmas album. The injustice!

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The reason Chris quit the band the other day. Hey, it was a pretty bad solo. 

For all of you who missed this the first time around. The band used to have a logo that looked a lot like the PBR beer label. One day last January, we received an e-mail from our friends at Pabst asking us to please stop using that logo we created. We said, "Fine by us! Just send us a cease and desist on your company letterhead so that we can hang it on our wall." They were very kind to comply.

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Well, not really, but it would probably look like this:

We're digging the Bob Gallion tunes so much that we just ordered his twenty-song CD on Amazon. Here's one example. This guy just sells it.

At an official Honky Tonkitis press conference today, guitarist Chris Conrad made the following stunning announcement:

"Although most of you know me as Chris Conrad, I have been, in fact, living a lie for the past three years as a member of Honky Tonkitis. This is not my true name, nor my true identity."

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With that, Conrad stepped in front of the podium and pulled away his mask to reveal his true identity:

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"Dude! I've been playing in a band with Buckethead the past three years?" singer Johnny Maplewood exclaimed, "How freaking cool is that!"

Members of the group were not able to respond as to whether this meant that Conrad/Buckethead was now leaving the band.

"I've appreciated Mr. Head's playing style during his time with the band," fiddle player Tom Hansen commented, "I'm hoping he keeps playing with us, although that mask really creeps me out."

Buckethead refused to answer any more questions about his revelation, but took five minutes to perform an incredibly complex solo guitar arrangement that left members of the press and band waving lighters and screaming for more.

Johnny Maplewood's going to be guesting again with Chicago's kings of Surf...

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This time, it's Saturday, January 14th at Hog's in Lake Bluff, IL. Check our calendar page for details.

Try a Honky Tonkitis disk for your friends and loved ones this Christmas.

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We've added new show dates for January and February, both out-of-towners! Check them out on our Calendar page to see if they're close to where you live. Otherwise, Road Trip!

Why doesn't Honky Tonkitis do any Christmas songs?

The answer is: WE DO!

Go to our Jukebox page and scroll down to the bottom. We did a version of We Three Kings a couple years ago. Credit Chris Conrad for the arrangement. Download it and make your local radio station play it!

This Thursday the Honky Tonkitis boys will be out to celebrate at our favorite local watering hole, Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall, for Andy's Christmas party. C'mon out and share a few with us. 

In a blow to the honky tonk community, it was revealed today that drummer Kurt Weber of local group Honky Tonkitis has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

The report, released by Modern Drummer magazine, said Weber tested positive for an abnormally high level of testosterone in his system. No drummer is known to have had a positive drug test overturned on appeal but the details would not be released in that event.

As a direct result, Weber faces a twenty show suspension from the group Honky Tonkitis.

Weber refused to answer questions from the media and has since retreated to his northern Wisconsin home.

Guitarist Chris Conrad did go on record as saying, "I had noticed that Kurt's drumming had dramatically improved in the past six months. He was hitting all of the tempo changes right on the mark and he was starting to keep up with the rest of the band on Orange Blossom Special. But to find out that he was on PED's? Man, nothing's worth that. But at least it explains the constant lactating and strong mood swings."

"No one is more disappointed than I am," singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "because I'm the guy who has to train his replacement. And the only guy we could get usually plays with an ABBA cover band, and that dude just sucks."

No word yet as to whether Weber will have to return his 2011 "Best Honky Tonk Drummer on the West Side of Milwaukee" award.

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Weber: Performance-enhanced Honky Tonk?

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One more vid of the band, Rivals of the Peacemaker. We're playing with them at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall this Saturday (12/10) night!

OK, so we're almost done recording our next album and Deep End of the Bottle has been out for more than a year now, but hey, thank you, local music paper, for the nice review! Now everybody go buy our CD online so that we'll have money to buy presents for our loved ones this Christmas!

"The second album by the Milwaukee band Honky Tonkitis continues to mix equal parts snark and twang into something resembling a Bizarro World set at the Grand Ole Opry. Singer John Steffes' twisted sense of humor about matters of inebriation and fornication fits to the pedal-steel template of Webb Pierce and Ray Price serenades of heartbreak and drunkenness. However, Honky Tonkitis isn't all cheek at the expense of substance. It's not too far of a stretch to imagine big-time traditionalists in today's commercial country like Alan Jackson and George Strait covering "If It's Paradise." On the other hand, tunes such as "Which Are You First: Drunk or Stupid" and "Jukebox, You Suck" seem destined to remain in the band's own domain—but that's all the more reason to appreciate their unique take on how to make country alt."

By Jamie Lee Rake

ExpressMilwaukee.com

http://www.expressmilwaukee.com/article-16979-honky-tonkitis.html

Here's a vid for Rivals of the Peacemaker, the band we're up against this Saturday (12/10) night at Kochanski's. You can also check them out at RivalsofthePeacemaker.com 

We've added Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny and That's Why I Sing In A Honky Tonk by Bill Phillips to the Covers Page.

The band has added this song to our setlist. We went over it in practice last night, and we're really happy with it. Check out Warren Smith's great version of it.

Hey ho!

We've added a live version of PBR My ASS from our last Kochanski's gig to the Jukebox! Go check it out.

For one day only, this Black Friday, Tom Hansen is available for a shocking 58% off.

"This is a special like you never thought you'd see," Hansen was quoted as saying, "For one day only, I will rock your world for a shocking 58% off."

Although other members of the band, Honky Tonkitis, were available for a significant mark-down for the one day only post-Thanksgiving sale, shock and resentment ran through the group after Hansen made the announcement.

Honky Tonkitis' accordion player, Don Turner, who was marked down 25% for the Black Friday special, was heard to murmer, "I always knew Tom was cheap, but I never thought he'd stoop so low. That slut."

Despite the resentment among members of the group, sales experts predicted long lines that grew early as the special shopping date loomed. General concensus among shoppers already waiting was that the added markdown on Hansen would sway the outcome of their purchases. Local shopper Lynn Simmers commented, "originally I was going to make my way immediately over to the Conrad aisle, but hey, 58% off Tom? How can I pass up a deal like that?"

"Tom may talk all high and mighty about his 'special deals' and 'looking out for the value-added shopper'", lead singer Johnny Maplewood remarked, "but that boy is nothing but cheap goods. I wouldn't touch that skank with a ten foot pole. Not for 58%, not for 98%." 

Prices good for Friday only.

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Tom Hansen: Too cheap?

Check out our calendar page for the newest show we've added.

Not much news today. The boys of Honky Tonkitis are extremely tired after a days' worth of scrutinizing all of the pics from our recent photo session to make sure there aren't any stray naked body parts showing up.

THIS WILL NOT BE OUR PROMO PHOTO. ANDY KOCHANSKI LITERALLY IS AN ASS. 

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 For those of you thinking, "what?", look just to the right above Tom's head.

Got a chance to update all of the band members' bio's today. Go check them out.

Heyooo! It's Friday! We're at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall tonight in Milwaukee. To celebrate, we've added a live version of Stop Playing Lawn Darts on My Heart to the jukebox. Go over and have a listen!

Like Emi Franzen's photo work with the band? Here's a link to a lot of other photo shoots she's done:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/f2images/

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So glad we have new pics so that we can create a new show poster. Please give us feedback on your faves.

Emi Franzen did a great job with our photo shoot. Want to see them all? Here they are:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/f2images/sets/72157627994135563/with/6340464989/

 

 

Let us know what your faves are.

Yahoo! We got the photos over the weekend and we're starting to sprinkle them around the website. Take a look in the days to come as they get added all over the place.

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In an effort to make our family shows (yeah, we do those from time to time) a little more family-friendly, we'll now be performing PBR My ASS at those shows as PBS My ASS. Please let us know if you have any other suggestions. Thanks.

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Yeehaw! The Honky Tonkitis boys got together at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall last night (during their open polka jam) for a photo shoot. Two hours and many beers later, we were finished. We also got up on stage and performed "Just Because" and "I Am the Ghost of Miller Lite" (using Andy K's megaphone for vocals) to a surprised and bemused audience. We're hoping that camera and picture technology has now advanced to the point where they can actually make a group of ugly guys look good. We'll see. We'll post pics once we have them. It may be a week or two.

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Is this the new band photo of Honky Tonkitis?

Once again, thanks to Ron Turner for sitting in with us last Saturday on lap steel.

The Wilburn Brothers is one of those great pairings that actually recorded a whole album about drinking, called, I'm Gonna Tie One On Tonight. Here's one of our favorite tunes from the early 60's, as performed by the Wilburn Brothers. Written by Johnny Loudermilk.

At long last, we are scheduling another band photo shoot. Hope to have the results up here in a couple weeks. In the meantime, head over to our Facebook page to see shots snapped from recent shows. http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=72210342719

Wow, if you missed last night's show at Lo Cash Live you missed our impromptu performance of Johnny B Goode and My Girl. Audience drunks were calling the shots as well as drinking them!

In shocking news today, local accordion player Don Turner of the group Honky Tonkitis was arrested on federal racketeering charges. FBI agents led a pre-dawn raid of Turner's small apartment, arresting Turner, four unnamed scantily-clad females and at least five exotic birds.

"Giuseppe Turner has been on our radar for many months now," FBI agent Guy Fiorentini announced, "We've just been waiting for the perfect time to move forward with his arrest." According to Agent Fiorentini, Turner has long been an active leader in the underworld extortion of accordion players for money, sex and illegal drugs. Said Fiorentini, "This is one Mafia Don whose days of extorting innocent accordion players is over."

Johnny Maplewood, lead singer of Honky Tonkitis, reacted with shock and horror. "His real name's Giuseppe? But I thought it was Don! I didn't know he was Don Giuseppe! Good God! All those mafia jokes I told the band! No wonder Don never laughed." Maplewood said he had immediate plans to go into hiding.

Turner's only comments during  the arrest were, "Maplewood's dead to me! Dead!"Don_Turner-m.jpg

"Don" Giuseppe Turner may no longer be smiling when he thinks about his accordion business.

We're going to have a special guest playing lap steel with us this weekend at Lo Cash Live.

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A reminder that Johnny Maplewood will be playing with Roger and the Wraybands this Saturday night in Kenosha.

Saturday, October 29th, 9:30 pm
Rendezvouse TikiLounge
1700 52nd Street
Kenosha, WI 53140-3240
(262) 652-0992

We've added a live version of You Drink and Drive Me Crazy to the Jukebox page. This one was just recorded at our show at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall on 10/14/11. Don Turner's first show on accordion with us. Enjoy!

We're on track this month for cracking 10,000 hits for the first time on this website! Hand me my extra thick horn rims and the pocket protector!

We've updated the Biography page, adding Don in as a member.

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Here's another pic of beautiful Don.

Crazy news.

Our very own Johnny Maplewood is sitting in on rhythm guitar and some vocals with Chicago's own Roger and Wraybands this coming Saturday.

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Roger and the Wraybands are back in Wisconsin!

Saturday, October 29th, 9:30 pm
Rendezvouse TikiLounge
1700 52nd Street
Kenosha, WI 53140-3240
(262) 652-0992

Sometimes, we just have to put stuff here that has nothing to do with nothing. Chris Conrad makes his acting debut at 26 seconds in. Enjoy!

We're big fans of George Jones although, honestly, Roger Miller's version is better. Wish we could find Roger's version on YouTube.

We're working on a new tune called, Pabst In The Can and Schlitz In the Bottle. We hope to have it ready in time for our Lo-Cash gig on November 5th.

This clip is hilarious! It has to be seen to be believed. Roger Miller was a sick genius.

 

In shocking news this week, local fiddle player Tom Hansen announced that he was leaving the group Honky Tonkitis.

"It's time that I moved on to my new profession. Although I have a passion for fiddle playing, and Honky Tonkitis has been a great outlet for this passion, at this stage in my life I'm ready to move on."

Hansen went on to say that he had been falling away from his fiddle playing ever since the untimely death of his parents.

"Ever since that mugger violently shot down my parents in front of my eyes in that back alley, I've felt that I needed to do something more meaningful with my life than simply playing the violin. With the recent addition of Don Turner on accordion, I think I can smoothly make my departure from the group."

No word on where Tom plans to take up residence for his future profession, although he did mention such potential cities as Metropolis, Gotham, or Star City.

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Tom Hansen in his future work clothes.

Honky Tonkitis' newest member, Don Turner, is an elusive guy. Although renowned throughout the Brew City community for his accordion playing (and now shunned by the accordion community for his Honky Tonkitis playing), not many photos of Don can be found. He's reputed for his violent outbursts whenever the paparazzi appear, and more than one camera has been smashed when Don's mood turns foul. We were able to track down this super-secret photo of Don. Please don't tell him that you saw his pic on this website.

And we will pay $4 to anyone who is able to snap a pic of Don at one of our future shows.

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Don Turner, seething cauldron of anger.

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Roger and the Wraybands are back in Wisconsin!

Saturday, October 29th, 9:30 pm
Rendezvouse TikiLounge

1700 52nd Street
Kenosha, WI 53140-3240
(262) 652-0992

Honky Tonkitis saw the addition of it's newest member this week, accordion player Don Turner.

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This is not a picture of Don Turner, but it will do for now.

Don's been playing accordion for quite some time. He made his debut with the band last night at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall and his debut was a rousing success. The toast of the town. A man's man. We're pretty sure he went home with a girl he didn't know. 

Stop on out to one of our future shows and shake hands with Don. And we'll try to get a real picture of him as soon as possible. But he really is almost as cool as James Brown, if James Brown played accordion, and was still alive.

Today, local drummer Kurt Weber appeared at a scheduled press conference on behalf of Honky Tonkitis to make the following announcement:

"In an effort to call out the 1% of Americans throwing the US economy into a shambles, Honky Tonkitis has decided to support the growing movement to Occupy Wall Drug!"

When questioned by reporters if he was actually referring to the Occupy Wall Street movement, Weber replied, "Why the hell would we want to occupy Wall Street? What a waste of time! We are part of a growing movement by Americans across the nation to stop taking long driving vacations to find one building in a remote part of South Dakota."

Weber went on to say, "The T. Rex, the Train Station, the panning for gold...it's just not enough to keep Americans employed. It's driving us out of work with disappointing road trips and unhappy bladder-filled children! And we're sick of those damn bumper stickers! From this day forward, Honky Tonkitis is making it our mission to help occupy Wall Drug until the economic needs of regular Americans can be heard."

Weber concluded the interview by saying, "I did promise the rest of the band that we'd stop at the Corn Palace, the Badlands, the Black Hills, and Mount Rushmore along the way. But mark my words, we will show the 1% that it was a mistake to underestimate us!"

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Kurt Weber, outside the Corn Palace.

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"When they ask me who's the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I'm going to say you know, I don't know. Do you know? And then I'm going to say how's that going to create one job?"

-- Herman Cain, in an interview with David Brody.

For the record, the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan is none other than our very own fiddle player, Tom Hansen.

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President Hansen commented, "Mr. Cain is welcome to visit my beautiful homeland at any time. We welcome any chance to further our open and ongoing trade with America."

Honky Tonkitis is brought to you today by the letter "beer."

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We've added a live version of You're Humbuggin' Me to our Jukebox page. Go over and take a listen. No quarter necessary.

Local honky tonk group, Honky Tonkitis, today announced the upcoming release of a book about the band.

Local writer and illustrator Rebecca Troeller, who has published more than forty books in this format, had this to say about the band: "I really respect this band. I did a lot of research into each of the member's background to put this book together. I wanted to accurately reflect each of the members as an individual and the band as a whole. I really think this could bring them to a brand new audience around the world."

"Wow. We're just surprised and really pleased by this," bassist and singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but we have the greatest of respect for Rebecca. She didn't tell us that she was working on it when she was doing extensive interviews with the band. The fact that someone would go to these lengths to document our group and get this published so quickly is very humbling for us. We're hoping it does well on Amazon. Believe me, we'll be first in line to buy copies for our families."

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Johnny Maplewood says he's getting sick of playing upright bass and wants to go back to strumming the acoustic. Anybody want to join the group on upright bass?

We've just added another date for Lo-Cash Live bar on Saturday, November 5th.

We had a blast at Lo-Cash Live last Friday night! Thanks for coming down, everybody. How often do you get two WMSE DJ's named John in the same bar at the same time? It was like a universal convergence. we recorded the show but had mixed success. Although the live sound was great, the fiddle kept cutting in and out on the recording. C'est la vis. See you in less than two weeks at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall!

Hey, weird news coming from our good friends Roger and the Wraybands. Line-up changes with some real twists. We'll let you know more when we know more. By the way, great show from them and Crazy Rocket Fuel at Kochanski's a week ago.

Don't forget, Honky Tonkitis tonight (Friday-9/30) at Lo-Cash Live Bar. FREE ADMISSION.093011_LO_Cash_Live_resized.jpg

Hey, what can we say? Go Brewers!

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Baseball and honky tonk go together like beer and brats!

We'll be presenting a few new original tunes for our Lo-Cash Live gig Friday (9/30) night:

Johnny Cash Would Kick Your Ass

and

Congratulations, You're A Loser

and

I Wanna Marry A Bartender

Chicago's own Cropduster will be playing with Honky Tonkitis on October 14th at Kochanski's here in Milwaukee. Go take a look at their MySpace page. They've got four tunes you can listen to.

www.myspace.com/cropdusterhonkytonk

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This is just so wrong.

Tonight, Saturday, 9/24, Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall:

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We're adding a new tune to our repertoire: Mel Tillis' first songwriting hit, I'm Tired. It was a hit for Webb Pierce in the 50's, although Mel's version is pretty sweet and a bit more straightforward. We couldn't find the album version on YouTube, so here's a vid of him doing it live with George Morgan. Too bad it's had most of the choruses cut out, but you'll get the picture. Mel sure can write great songs.

 

We've added a link to Lo-Cash Live's website. Sweet website. The pics really reflect what the place looks like inside. Very swank. Plus, they've got a great deck outside and their own parking lot.

Plus, they've got Honky Tonkitis playing there on Sept. 30th. Sweet!

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The Honky Tonkitis boys will be out at Kochanski's this Saturday night recording Roger and the Wraybands' show with our multitracker. Come on down and yell rude things that'll get picked up by the microphones!

Hey, if you've never gone and listened to the shows located at http://www.legendradio.com/show.htm then you've been missing one of the greatest weekly honky tonk and western shows online ever. Go take a listen! Jim Loessberg hosts one hell of a show!

Honky Tonkitis is trying to add notices when our fave bands are playing. Unfortunately, the way the date stamp is added, it looks like the date these notices go out is the date of the gig. We apologize. We'll start adding the gig date at the beginning of each heading to better clarify.

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Arrrrrright!

Another great date at Kochanski's!

Saturday, Sept. 24th, 9:00pm

Roger and the Wraybands

with Crazy Rocket Fuel
Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall

1920 S 37th St
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53215
(414) 837-6552

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Roger and the Wraybands, our fave instrumental surf band from Chicago, is playing a show Saturday night! We highly recommend you hit that party!

Saturday, Sept. 17th, 9:30 pm
Roger and the Wraybands at Chef Shangri La

7930 West 26th Street
North Riverside, IL 60546-1563
(708) 442-7080





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Yee-haw! We just added a show at Kochanski's playing with Chicago's own Cropduster! Go check out their MySpace page for four sweet Bakersfield honky tonk tunes. And we'll look forward to seeing you all at Kochanski's on Oct. 14th! Somebody buy a pitcher!

Made some updates to the fundraiser we're playing this Saturday (7/30) with Roger and the Wraybands. Check out our Calendar page for more info.

Just received the Frankie Miller 3-cd Blackland Farmer: The Starday Recordings and More. Awesome honky tonk! Here's a small sample of the greatness that is Frankie Miller. 

Don't forget to head to downtown Wauwatosa this Saturday for a free outdoor show by Honky Tonkitis at Vino 100.

Saturday, June 25th, 7-10pm

Vino 100 (live on the patio)

1442 Underwood Ave

Wauwatosa, WI

7-10 pm

FREE

We've added a live version of 19th Nervous Breakdown to the Jukebox page. Sometimes the Jukebox doesn't suck.

Okay, we've said this before but you obviously weren't listening the last three times, so we'll pound it in your freakin' head like Mother used to do:

Roger and the Wraybands freakin' ROCK!

If all goes well, both Honky Tonkitis and R&TWB will be recording live this Friday (6/3) night at Bay View Brew Haus. So get down there and scream rude stuff between songs!

Once more, here's Roger and the Wraybands doing what they do best. Don't make Momma get out the rolling pin.

NEWS FLASH FOR OUR FRIDAY (6/3/11) SHOW AT BAY VIEW BREW HAUS!

Honky Tonkitis is going through more changes than a teenager! Wait, that sounds kinda disturbing.

Anyway, Jason Ploetz on the upright bass, if he ever falls down he can't be replaced...has been replaced.

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Jason's gone on to the greener pastures of a group called Southern Tradition. You can find them here:

http://www.southerntraditioncountry.com/fr_home.cfm

As for Honky Tonkitis, we've got our newest member on upright bass:

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Wait...what the hell? Okay, Johnny Maplewoods' no longer playing acoustic guitar and singing. Now he's playing upright bass and singing. So what about acoustic guitar, then?

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Guesting with us for the evening on acoustic guitar and backing vocals will be our old buddy, Bruce Dean.

No changes have been made to the quantity of drinking that we do, so come on down and help us achieve our drinking goals.

As for the band we're playing with on Friday night:

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Our fave surf band from Chicago!

Hope to see you all Friday night!

This is just so cool. What if Johnny Cash's voice had come up at as the title credits ran, instead of Tom Jones?

 A version made where the song was dropped on top of the Thunderball movie sequence is linked here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3rqS98seNA


Tosa City Limits #3 Featuring Shattered
April 29, 2011 


Guitars for Vets is proud to present the third installment of "Tosa City Limits", an intimate showcase at the G4V headquarters, featuring incredible local talent. This month: 
Shattered - Milwaukee's infamous Rolling Stones tribute band! 
Tickets are $20 (or $30 per couple - any couple) and include 3 drinks. These tickets are available in advance, and limited to 30. Guitars for Vets merchandise will be available.

For tickets, please contact Cynthia at 
cynthia@guitarsforvets.org or call 414.810.4200. 

 

FYI-Kurt & Chris from Honky Tonkitis also play with Shattered.

Jason Ploetz, bassist for the local group Honky Tonkitis, entertained and educated students at Our Lady of Sacred Heart School Tuesday. Among other topics, Ploetz spoke at length about his entertainment influences.

"Lately, Charlie Sheen has been a big influence on me," Ploetz told the mix of kindergarten through sixth graders massed in the school gym for his speech. "I mean the guy smokes, snorts and drinks whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he's banging the hottest porn stars and prostitutes money can buy. I mean, that's the kind of life I want to live. Who wouldn't?"

Ploetz also spoke to the students on topics such as hitting on the hot chick at clubs, best excuses to skip out of work, the most effective remedies for a hangover, and the hidden risks of smoking too much pot. "There have been times," Ploetz laughed, "where I was so stoned I couldn't even hold my bass at shows, much less play it."

When asked if staying in school and getting good grades also contributed to his success, Ploetz said, "Yeah, well, whatever. I guess if that works for you, go with it. Just stay the hell out of my way or I'll smack your little heads on the floor."

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Our Milwaukee buddies, Gods Outlaw, made their first pro video! Check it out:

We'll be premiering this tune tomorrow night:

Get your pump primed for Honky Tonkitis this Saturday night! Come out and see the Western Starlanders the night before!

The Western Starlanders with special guests The Jackpine Gypsies at Kochanski's 

Friday, April 15th, 9pm

  • Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall (414-837-6552), 1920 S. 37th Street, Milwaukee, WI, USA
  • The Western Starlanders are a 5 piece Honky Tonk and Western Swing group. Riding the Same roads that were paved by such artists as Ernest Tubb, Bob Wills, Tex Williams, and Hank Thompson. The Western Starlanders blend elements of classic honky tonk, western swing, hillbilly boogie, big band swing, jazz and early blues.

    The Jackpine Gypsies will be opening up the night with their brand of Americana/ Roots Rock music.

  • Price Info: $5.00

In an announcement many regard as a long time in coming, world famous singer Celine Dion today announced her break-up from Jason Ploetz, bassist for the Milwaukee group, Honky Tonkitis.

"Jason and I have gone our separate ways," Celine Dion said, "It's been a touching and fulfilling relationship, but we just could not sustain it any longer."

Celine Dion, the best-selling Canadian artist of all time, commented that for a while she and Ploetz had contemplated producing a duet record: "I wanted us to create a simple, beautiful record that expressed our love; just Jason's bass accompanying my voice in an all-French Québécois record. I think it would have been a thing of beauty. But when Jason demanded that half of it be Honky Tonkitis songs, well, I knew then that our romance was over."

When asked about the relationship, Ploetz simply said, "Yeah, Celine Dion was a hot chick, but half the time I couldn't understand what she was saying...was it German? Spanish? And then I'd realize it was just really messed-up English. I had to listen real hard to understand what she was trying to tell me. It gave me a headache."

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Celine Dion and Jason Ploetz: No Parlez?

This Saturday (4/16) night at Kochanski's we'll be playing again with Chicago's own Roger and the Wraybands, the kings of surf. These guys are awesome!

Nice little viddy of our live tune and GJ's, put together by our fan, Holly: 

This week, Rolling Stone magazine announced that Honky Tonkitis has now unseated singer Morrissey to gain the title for "most depressing songs on the planet."

"Yes! I am SO stoked! In your face, Morrissey!" Lead singer and songwriter Johnny Maplewood shouted while high-fiving guitarist Chris Conrad at a local bar. "It's about time! There's only so many songs a guy can write about getting drunk and losing your woman. I knew it was only a matter of time before I took that mope down. I wish I had money to buy another drink!"

Morrissey, famous for such melancholy hits as "You Have Killed Me," "One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell," "Hairdresser on Fire," and "Disappointed," was beaten out by Honky Tonkitis tunes like, "Daddy Smells Like Alcohol and Heartbreak," "I Spell Divorce," "Stop Playing Lawn Darts on My Heart," and "I Hope I Don't Get the Clap Tonight."

Morrissey, interviewed as he left his Los Angeles mansion surrounded by throngs of screaming fans, commented, "My soul is burned." 

Morrissey: Has he finally hit the wall?

Honky tonk band Honky Tonkitis announced this week that they have signed to worldwide record label Polymer records.

"We're pleased to add the talented Honky Tonkitis to our stable of artists," Polymer president Tyler Traband announced. Traband, the leader of Polymer records for the past forty years, plans to work directly with the band himself. "These guys are the real deal and we want to nurture and promote their unique style and songwriting ability as much as possible."

"The first thing I want to do is to get the band in the studio to record the penultimate Lynyrd Skynyrd classic, Freebird," Traband announced. He continued by detailing that the song title would also be reflected as the album title, and even mentioned the possibility of making it the band name as well.

When asked about his feelings on the signing, guitarist Chris Conrad remarked, "I'm feeling a real Johnny Bravo moment going on right now. I'm just hoping we fit the fringe jacket."

Johnny Bravo

Greg Brady's turning over the jacket to Honky Tonkitis.

Televangelist Pat Robertson this week announced that local band Honky Tonkitis is the reason for bad music globally. "I have spoken to God and God has told me that Honky Tonkitis sucks."

Robertson,  a media mogul, television evangelist, ex-Baptist minister and businessman politically aligned with the Christian Right in the United States made a formal statement about the band:

"The world has befallen the musical tragedies of today because of Honky Tonkitis. The tsunami that is Justin Bieber, the magnitude 7.0 earthquake of Lady Gaga, even the tragic house fire that is Eminem: God has heard the music of Honky Tonkitis, God is angered by the music of Honky Tonkitis, and God continues to allow the tragedy of today's music because of Honky Tonkitis. God is leading us through a musical desert, withholding the musical manna of Beatles and Abbas and Whos. And God will not be placated until this honky tonk AntiChrist is removed from creation." 

After reading the announcement, Honky Tonkitis drummer Kurt Weber said, "I dunno, I think our new album is pretty good. Yeah, God could be getting back at the world for our first record, but in our defense, we were a brand-new band."

Robertson, explaining that Honky Tonkitis has caused God to even ruin the music of Metallica.

He didn't just invent the mustache-beard combo, nor was he just Dick's bro.

Skeets is great in this live broadcast. Tip for homely honky tonk performers: stick a hot chick in the background. It doesn't matter if she can't clap in time to the music.

Tom Hanson, fiddle player for local band Honky Tonkitis made this announcement Thursday:

"I've been living with a secret these past three years that I must now reveal: I'm haunted by the ghost of Kenny Loggins."

When it was reported to Hanson that Kenny Loggins was not dead, he replied, "Of course not. He's all right, no one has to worry about him, because he can never truly die. He haunts me day by day."

Upon further elaboration to Hanson that Kenny Loggins was still alive and touring, Hanson said, "Indeed, he tours the spirit world telling those of us on the physical plane to 'Celebrate Me Home' and 'Cut Loose, Footloose.'"

When shown video of Kenny Loggins performing the previous weekend, Hanson told reporters, "He's taken a ride into the danger zone, one which allows even his spirit to be recorded on film."

Hanson concluded: "Time, time and again I see Kenny Loggins staring down at me with those angry eyes. It's a heavy burden."

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Spoof Fest 2011

Spoof Fest 2011
Friday April 1st & Saturday April 2nd
8pm Doors/9pm Show

Friday Night:
Boston
Huey Lewis
Billy Joel
The Tubes
Mahavishnu Orchestra

Saturday Night:
Wham
Kid Rock
Social Distortion
Missing Persons
Velvet Underground
New York Dolls

Members of Honky Tonkitis will be performing.

In a surprise move Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was cutting off funds for honky tonk band, Honky Tonkitis.

"I've warned the group over and over that they needed to start writing better songs. I even gave them a $1.25 million tax incentive to write better songs. And what have they done? Written some more crappy songs about drinking beer."

The band seemed unprepared for this turnabout by Wisconsin's governor.

"I know we'd been getting a monthly check for $1.57," lead singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "and that I'd get a five percent discount every time I shopped at Wal-Mart. I just thought that was happenstance, or a smiley-faced special or something."

The Governor continued the get-tough attitude in his speech: "The days of honky tonk welfare are over. If you're not willing to work with this administration, you will find your honky tonk band at the end of a very long line. Going forward, we are doubling taxes on all beer purchased by members of this group. Let that be a lesson to others who continue to spurn us."

"We had hoped the band would listen and move in more of a George Jones musical direction as we had suggested. Well, I'm here to say, I've got at least four George Jones albums and have seen him in concert. You, my friends, are no George Jones."

Bassist Jason Ploetz had this to say: "I was using that buck-fifty-seven to buy Ramen noodles at the Wal-Mart every month! And now the price of my Pabst has doubled? If that doesn't get us sounding like George Jones, I don't know what will!"

Scott Walker

Lead singer and rhythm guitarist Johnny Maplewood of the band Honky Tonkitis, announced that he will be checking into a local hospital for serious surgery early next week.

"I have a brain condition that's been worsening over the last year or so, and after multiple referrals and examinations, I've finally found a doctor who believes he can operate," Maplewood said.

In this case, Maplewood is pursuing the exploratory surgery in an effort to have the John Denver song, "Country Roads," removed from his head.

"It's been there for years and years now, slowly but inexorably eroding areas of my brain. It's a cancer really. I can't even hear of the state West Virginia without immediately thinking, 'Mountain Mama.'"

Maplewood said that his surgeon promises a quick recovery. "He only thinks it'll take me about a week to recover before they can take me home, country roads."

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The master.

George is the man. 

Bassist Jason Ploetz of the local band, Honky Tonkitis, received an award Thursday for being the first person in America to actually pay to see the movie, The Tourist.

Starring Jonny Depp and Angelina Jolie, The Tourist revolves around Frank (Depp), an American tourist visiting Italy to mend a broken heart. Elise (Jolie) is an extraordinary woman who deliberately crosses his path.

While receiving his award, Ploetz laughed while confessing, "I actually thought the name of the movie was The Terrorist. I thought it would be Sylvester Stallone blowing stuff up. I fell asleep in the movie once I found out that I couldn't get my money back.

Ploetz admitted that a similar situation had occurred when he won an award for attending the film Eat Prey Love starring Julia Roberts. "One of my friends lied and told me it was a porn movie. I mean, with a title like that, how could it NOT be?"
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The latest weapon in the fight against Asian carp doesn't look much like a weapon at all: It's the album Deep End of the Bottle by Honky Tonkitis. The music is blasted through underwater speakers in a 13-mile section between the Des Plaines River and the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal as they meander through the southwest suburbs.

The $7 million project, paid from the federal Great Lakes Restoration Fund, is a relatively low-tech solution to keep the dreaded carp from breaching the low-lying strip of land between the river and the shipping canal during heavy rains. For reasons scientists can't explain, this particular album drives 100% of the intrusive carp back.

"They tried everything on them," fiddle player Tom Hanson commented, "from ABBA to ZZ Top. Our album was the only one that was 100% effective."

This does not mean the band is happy.

"We're not seeing a penny of it," Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, said of the plan. "Even though they're blasting our new album twenty-four seven at these fish, somehow, that doesn't entitle us to any profits. In fact, the lawyers tell us that they're charging us because local boaters and people living nearby now need to be supplied with ear plugs."

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Asian Carp: Not a fan of Honky Tonkitis?

Now THIS is a show to attend. Three great bands doing a benefit for one great cause: Milwaukee's Homeless Veterans. 

March 26th, Saturday
Laveer's
6828 W Oklahoma Ave
Milwaukee, WI 53219
(414) 328-2464

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Here's the link:

http://us1.campaign-archive1.com/?u=4818aeb70e99339439433d366&id=c44f843798

Q: Hey Tom, what's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

Tom: About five thousand dollars.

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Isn't Charlie Sheen a testament to why a woman should never ask a man what he's thinking?

We added a link to our homepage at the FM 106 Unsigned Artists page. Go to our Links page and click on it till your click finger bleeds!

Hope to see all of you tonight at Bay View Brew Haus! Gods Outlaw will open the show. Scream "Recall!"

Tom Hanson, long time fiddle player for Honky Tonkitis, announced Thursday that he is leaving the band.

"Although I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with Honky Tonkitis, I've finally mended fences with my brothers, and they've asked me to join their band immediately." Hanson said.

Hanson was referring to the musical group, Hanson, consisting of brothers Taylor, Zac and Isaac Hanson, most famous for their 1997 hit, "MMMBop."

That chart-smashing hit caused the initial fracture between Hanson and his brothers. The fiddle player walked away from the group when they refused to give him credit for writing the tune. Tom Hanson said that personal reasons lead to his departure as well.

"They refused to call me by anything other than my stage name, 'Stucco,'" Hanson said. This, combined with elimination of all violin parts on the Top Forty hit song, lead brother Tom to quit the group just as the Hanson musical star was ascending.

"I was sick of their behavior and was ready to prove that I could make stars out of any old crap band. That's when I joined Honky Tonkitis." Hanson concluded. "At this point my brothers and I have grown and matured both personally and musically. I think they're better able to recognize the musical contributions I could bring to their band."

Later Thursday Zac Hanson announced in a press conference: "We're delighted to have our brother Stucco joining us on this tour. We're not sure what he's going to do yet, run a spotlight or sell t-shirts or something, but we've really missed him over the years."

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In honor of St. Patrick's Day, Honky Tonkitis plans to forego the honky tunes about drinking and instead focus on songs that honor this special day.

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In a surprise Wednesday, members of musical group Honky Tonkitis announced that they have been hired to work on new songs for the multimillion dollar Broadway musical, Spider-man: Turn Off the Dark

"We were shocked when we got the offer," lead singer and songwriter, Johnny Maplewood, stated. "I was a little hesitant at first to make this kind of songwriting commitment, but when the producers told me that they were willing to pour tons of money into polishing whatever musical turd I threw them, I was like, sweet!"

"I've got a couple tunes lying around collecting dust," Maplewood continued, "I figure I can just substitute words like 'Spider-man' and 'Green Goblin' for the beer names I had in them and it'll all work out fine. They told me nobody ever listens to the damn songs at these shows anyway. They're just there to see hot chicks and guys falling from great heights. It's like pro wrestling but with cheaper tickets."

Producers of the show were still reviewing bassist Jason Ploetz's offer to take over the part of Spider-man in the show. "At this point, they said there are, like, three guys in front of me for the part," Ploetz stated, "But as soon as each of those guys is crippled or killed in the role, I'm in!"

spiderman-turn-off-the-dark.jpg

In a surprising move throughout the state of Wisconsin, demand is currently growing to recall Honky Tonkitis.

"I don't even know how this happened," drummer Kurt Weber commented. "We're not holding any kind of political office."

At this point, the bipartisan recall effort is working statewide with a growing budget that recently passed one million dollars.

"I'm not even sure what party the other band members are affiliated with," guitarist Chris Conrad laughed. When asked about his own party leanings, Conrad said he identified with the PBR party. "They're a small party but their numbers are growing quickly," he said, producing his party affiliation ID.

State capitol authorities were unsure how many signatures were necessary at this point to have Honky Tonkitis recalled, but were astounded at the number of sheets being circulated to recall the band.

"We're mystified how this keeps growing and growing," Honky Tonkitis singer Johnny Maplewood said, "but at this point we're signed up to play the next recall fundraiser ourselves...so come on out this Saturday the 19th to Bay View Brew Haus and sign the recall."

As of Tuesday, the number of people signing the pledge to help recall the band at the "Recall Honky Tonkitis" Facebook page had reached 250,000 names.

"I haven't ever even voted before," bassist Jason Ploetz replied upon hearing the number, "but hey, that's a lotta people, so I guess I'm with 'em. How could that many people be wrong? Recall these jerks!"

Wanda. Rockabilly to country. You can't lose.

Lefty rocks. 

Stonewall is always great live. 

http://youtu.be/Y0PvvIL-bLo

This is just whack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBMLX1kwvpE

Classic Honky Tonk from the master. He's still alive and he's still touring and he's still got the voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuOvllD8Baw

We'll be playing with Gods Outlaw at Bay View Brew Haus on Saturday, March 19th. Check them out below:

We've added a new review of Deep End of the Bottle to our Press page. Roots Highway is an Italian website that reviews country music CD's. The review's been translated from Italian to English via the Internets.

Best line: "My friends say Webb, what's wrong with you?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qIjHkHdM2w

I love this. Jim may have been considered more Countrypolitan than Honky Tonk, but this tune is ALL honky tonk to me. And that's some great piano playing.

International television celebrity Charlie Sheen announced Sunday on TV news show Sixty Minutes that he had hired local band Honky Tonkitis to play his children's birthday party.

When asked why Sheen had hired a honky tonk band that performs songs about drinking and divorce to entertain a children's party, Sheen said, "As kids we're not taught how to deal with success; we're taught how to deal with failure."

When asked if he would get up and perform with the band, Sheen replied that he had tried it in the past: "I was with one at a time with the other four watching. It was a little uncomfortable, actually. I wouldn't recommend five at once. There's just not enough guy to go around."
 
Sheen did comment that having a honky tonk band perform at a children's party is not something he recommends for everyone:"If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Sheen further described what he saw in the band: "They're the best at what they do and I'm the best at what I do. And together it's like, it's on. Sorry, Middle America. Yeah, I said it." 

When asked if the band was comfortable performing for a childrens birthday party, lead singer Johnny Maplewood said, "Well, at first, we were a little hesitant because Mr. Sheen wanted to pay us in tiger blood. We couldn't do that. But hey, the check cleared. Why not?"

 charlie-sheen-rehab.jpg

It's like going to Mount Rushmore and they start singing to you. I don't know which one is Lincoln. Probably June Carter. Freaking awesome.

Man, this is Johnny at his rawest! This is EXTREMELY crude by 50's standards and must have had a lot of those teenyboppers at the time just scratching their heads. We've said it before and we'll say it again: You can take the boy outta the honky tonk, but you can't take the honky tonk outta the boy.

Okay, I've never heard Buck Owens do this song before. A favorite tune of ours that we may add to our live setlist. Is that Don Rich doing the drunk guy role?

You can take the singer outta the honky tonk, but you can't take the honky tonk outta the singer. Patsy Cline is a great example of this. Put as many strings and backup singers behind her as you want and she still sings it like she's in a bar. She had the best female voice ever. And the rare live recordings of her are awesome. That girl had a mouth on her that could shame a sailor. Here she is doing one of Hank's tunes: 

Jean Shepard is in that rare class of female singers that had a honky tonk voice. Throw as much Countrypolitan production around her as you want, she'll still sing it like she's in a honky tonk. Here's a great tune that goes right after our hearts. 

http://www.youtube.com/embed/roVQ89oSGRo

Johnny Paycheck, in his Little Darlin' years (the label he was on in the mid-60's) was THE premier honky tonker. Granted, some of that's only with 20-20 hindsight, but, damn, he was great. Any CD of his from the Little Darlin' era is worth purchasing. Here's a great live version of him playing A-11. Notice how big that suit is on him!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORhrXghsgzY

Charlie Walker is another one of those few guys whose name is synonomous with Honky Tonk. Everything this guy ever recorded is HT all the way. Bear Records put out a box set of his stuff and it just rips from beginning to end. There is a single CD called Charlie Walker: Greatest Honky Tonk Hits, that is a good sampling of his music.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/BmwniYyWKdI

Local honky tonk group, Honky Tonkitis, stated Monday that they were officially boycotting the purchase of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. As a result of a cease and desist letter received from the popular beer maker, the members of the group held a press conference in which their guitarist, Chris Conrad, made the following statement:

"As long as Pabst Blue Ribbon continues to oppress the masses, meaning us, with their outrageous prosecution of our rights, meaning they won't let us put our name on their logo, we will boycott the purchase of their products, meaning Pabst beer. This boycott will stay in effect for as long as we don't have money to spend on beer."

Conrad refused to elaborate on whether the boycott included the drinking of any Pabst beer that was obtained for free. "We're not pity drinkers most of the time," is all Conrad would say.

"For now, we are getting by on an old bottle of Rumplemintz I found in my garage, mixed with some juice boxes Johnny found under the seats in his minivan."

Pabst brewers have not yet issued a formal response regarding the boycott.

beauty_pic-C_Conrad.JPG

We're pleased as punch to be playing with Roger and the Wraybands this Saturday night (2/26/11) at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall. These guys are the real deal when it comes to surf music. All the way from Chicago. Check out their website for more info about the band. They've got tons of videos on YouTube. Here's one:

 http://www.youtube.com/embed/SXlLPzibii0

Local honky tonk group Honky Tonkitis today announced that they've been tapped to record a movie soundtrack.

Drummer Kurt Weber had this statement: "We're very pleased with this announcement. Due to the late notice of having our music added to the film, we're immediately setting to work composing pieces. The entire band is reviewing both the script and early footage to get a feel of the cadence and emotion required for the music. It will take a lot of work and a lot of creativity, but we think we're up for the challenge. We hope to have the music written and recorded in time to meet the requested deadlines."

Members of Honky Tonkitis were unsure whether they would be making a cameo appearance in the film, although they said they had high hopes.

At this time, no formal release date has been set for the film, tentatively titled, Suzee's Silky Backdoor Action 3.

beauty_pic-K_Weber.JPG

Get yourself a discography of Loretta Lynn's tunes and read the titles. So many are truly honky tonk and classic. Here's a great example:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/YgylOni0JSI

Don Gibson: One of the best voices in all of country music. His version of Sea of Heartbreak is a classic.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/A4bo4ByFhLM

Yet another king honky tonker, Faron Young's got miles and miles of great tunes from the 50's up to the 70's. The older the tune, the more honky tonk it is. This is one of his best.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1M5LwNg_Yc

Local honky tonk musical group, Honky Tonkitis, announced today that it had added its newest member, performing on both their upcoming CD of new material, as well as in all upcoming live shows.

"Flavor Flav has officially joined the group," lead singer Johnny Maplewood announced Thursday at a formal press conference.

Flavor Flav, formerly of the rap group Public Enemy and  the star of several VH1 reality series, including The Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Flavor of Lovehad this to say about becoming the newest member of Honky Tonkitis:

"I'm fakin no moves and fakin no jax, Flavor Flav is back on the dome relax, I push all the buttons around this bitch, I'ma go get money from Bill Gates, get rich."

Maplewood suggested that Flav's rich background in TV, as a solo recording artist, and as a member of Public Enemy, popularizing the role of the hype man, would add a key new ingredient to both the live and recorded sound of the group.

"He's already practiced with us once and it went really, really well. He added pizzle to our fo' shizzle, and we were able to get out of practice right on time, thanks to that large clock he wore around his neck."

When asked what he plans to bring creatively to the band, Flav replied, "Um in position, you can't play me out da pocket, I'll take da dopest beat you got and I'll rock-it, Like chocolate, even vanilla - chocolate, strawberry, sasperella, Flavors are electric - try me - get a shock-a, Didn't I tell you to leave Flavor Flav alone knock-a?"

Maplewood added that Flav was also an accomplished mandolin player.

flavor-flav-newswire-400a111606.jpg

Local songwriter Johnny Maplewood, lead singer for the group Honky Tonkitis, announced plans to write another song about beer.

"It ought to be really catchy, and, y'know, people will like it because it's about beer, or drinking beer, or thinking about drinking beer."

Known for such tunes as Pabst in the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle, Kiss My HeinekenPBR My ASS, and I Am the Ghost of Miller Lite, Maplewood says he's not sure what the new song will be called yet.

"It'll definitely be about beer, I'm just not sure which one yet. I'd like to do one about Leinenkugel's, but I'm having a hard time with the rhymes for it. I mean, 'frugal,' and 'Google," and that's about it."

Maplewood is still contemplating a future that would move into songwriting about other alcoholic beverages.

beauty_pic-J_Steffes.JPG

Here's an early George Jones tune that shows you just how much he was initially influenced by Hank Williams. I heard this the other day and had to look twice to determine it wasn't a Hank Williams-sung tune.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/IWR2K2Zb3s0

We're locked and loaded for our show this Saturday (2/12) at Vino 100. Due to serious lack of space at the wine bar, we're performing as a trio. It'll make for quite a different sounding show. Very mellow volume. But pretty much all the same tunes, although we'll be debuting about four or five new songs that we worked up in the month of January. It's free admission, so what do you got to lose? And one hundred different wines for sale. What better venue for Honky Tonkitis to play?

Added a link for Milwaukee's own Western Starlanders to our Links page.

http://www.westernstarlanders.com/

Producers for the upcoming Honky Tonkitis: the Movie have signed Johnny Depp to play the part of Jason Ploetz, the upright bass player for the group.

Depp commented: "I've always been a great admirer of Jason's work. I really want to do my best to reflect the deep sensitivity and intelligence that Jason delivers, both in his playing and in his stage presence."

When asked about Depp portraying him, Ploetz responded, "Yeah, I don't get out to see movies much. What stuff would I have seen him in?"

beauty_pic-J_Ploetz.JPGJohnny Depp

Added the Cathouse Drifters to our Links page.

www.cathousedrifters.com

Carl Smith's another honky tonk master. This is one of his best tunes. Love that guitar! Song starts around 1:14.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/wmdCt_CiywcZ

The Milwaukee District Attorney's office dropped multiple murder charges against local fiddle player, Tom Hanson, after it was determined that the search warrant was incorrectly served. Hanson plays with local group, Honky Tonkitis.

"This is a miscarriage of justice," Police Department chief Ed Flynn declared Wednesday. "This psychotic deviant was able to slip out of these charges through some legal mumbo-jumbo. By all rights, he should be sitting in a jail cell awaiting a trial that would have put him away for ten lifetimes."

Milwaukee Police were serving a search warrant on Hanson in regard to the unsolved cases of ten murder victims, all strangled through the use of a violin string. According to unnamed Police sources, the evidence found in Hanson's house was damning.

Police Chief Flynn was hesitant to give further details on the case. "As of now, I've been asked by the DA's office to limit my comments on any suspects. But I can tell you that our prime suspect's name rhymes with 'Mom Manson.'"

Hanson had very little to say with regard to the ongoing case. "I have a show this Friday night. Can I have my bloody strings back?"

 beauty_pic-T_Hanson.JPG

Skeets McDonald is a great example of classic honky tonk. He hit all of the pockets of classic country in the 50's-60's while always maintaing an edgy honky tonk tone, no matter where he went. Here's a great example of his dip into rockabilly. Eddie Cochran on lead guitar. There's any number of single-disk compilations of Skeets' stuff available, as well as a great Bear Family box set.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/BBwrzW-dkGA

Jason Ploetz, upright bassist for Milwaukee group Honky Tonkitis, was severely beaten by members of his own band yesterday when he announced that he was betting against the Packers in Sunday's Superbowl.

"All I said was that I had $200 on Pittsburgh by four points. The next thing I knew they had me on the floor and they were all kicking and punching me."

Band fiddle player, Tom Hanson, was the only member of the group to comment on Ploetz's accusation, saying, "He started badmouthing the Pack and I saw red. I saw red."

Recovering at home, Ploetz has not decided whether he will file charges.

"A lot of it depends on how the game goes. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be swimming in dough come Sunday night. But if not, I'll probably take the band to small claims court. My jaw still hurts and they kinda messed up my bass. But we've also got a pretty sweet gig next week and we're getting free beer."

 beauty_pic-J_Ploetz.JPG

Click over to our Reviews page to read two new reviews of Deep End of the Bottle from Finnish website www.Huuto.net and German website CD News.

Click on the link below to visit WUSB. These people (especially John O.'s Salvage and Recovery Radio Show-Every Monday Night 8 to 10 pm EST) have excellent taste, obviously, since they gave Honky Tonkitis' But Not Me a spin this week. We've added them to our links page as well. Thanks, guys!

http://wusb.fm/

WUSB_image.jpg

Local woman Janyce Hetzel declared baritone guitarist Chris Conrad of the group Honky Tonkitis to be on drugs.

"I took one look at his picture on the back of that CD (Deep End of the Bottle) and realized he was mixed up in the drugs."

Hetzel was unsure what rehab programs would offer the best solutions for Conrad's addiction problems, only stressing that he needed to attend one.

"I love baritone guitar in my honky tonk music just as much as the next Christian woman, but that young man needs to check himself in to the rehab right now."

Conrad has not commented on his plans.

beauty_pic-C_Conrad.JPG

We've added a link to Tom Brusky, accordion player par excellence, to our links page.

http://www.tombrusky.com/

Tom Brusky

This clip is just mindblowing on so many levels.

We've added a bunch of long-overdue links to our hometown faves, WMSE, 91.7 FM, Milwaukee on our Links page.

http://www.wmse.org/index.php

We've added a live clip from one of our shows to the Jukebox, "The Sound of Drunk Dancers Crashing Into the Band." Hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Our Feb. 6th Circle A date has been canceled for reasons obvious to anyone living in or around Wisconsin: That's the night of the Superbowl! The gig required an end time of 10 pm, which would have left us with precious little time to perform after the game. Plus, it's not really a place packed full of TV's. Whatever the case, make an effort to go out drinking at the Circle A. It's a great joint. We hope to appear there in the future.

Tim Cook and his band plays some of the best damn old honky tonk tunes you'll hear in Milwaukee.

Saturday, Jan 29th, 10pm.

Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall.

37th & Burnham

Tim Cook show

Johnny Maplewood writes and records a lot of demo songs for the band, most of which get chucked over the back fence if they don't make it up to Honky Tonkitis grade (which is kinda like saying, "We'll take the leftover pig snouts and hooves, but NO TAILS!"). We could probably post a new one each week. Any interest in seeing these put on the site? Let us know.

In surprising news today, Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, is out as official spokesmodel for Suave Shampoo for men.

 Kurt Weber

The clean-cut, closely-cropped Weber will be replaced by Clay Matthews, long-haired hippie and upcoming Superbowl contender for the Green Bay Packers.

Clay Matthews, long-haired hippee

No word yet on whether Weber Grills are seeking to terminate the Honky Tonkitis drummer as their spokesman as well.

Now we're thinking about changing the name of the band to Honky Tonkitis Playboys.

Cease___Desist-clean_resized.JPG

We got an e-mail on the Honky Tonkitis hotline last week saying that the logo we designed based off of the Pabst Blue Ribbon label was illegal. The Pabsters said they wanted it taken down. We agreed, under one condition: They send us a "Cease and Desist" letter on Pabst letterhead! Well, yesterday we had a registered letter waiting for us and there it was! Therefore, we've taken down that logo. We'll scan in the letter soon and add it to our website, then we're having it framed and put up on our wall! PBR, you rock!

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Click over our Jukebox page and take a listen to our version of Orange Blossom Special! You can download it as well.

Honky Tonkitis made it into the playlist of Gerry Casper's radio show, Good Noise, out of the Netherlands! (the song: I Hope I Don't Get the Clap Tonight)  No matter what language you speak, honky tonk translates!

http://goodnoiseradio.blogspot.com/2011/01/playlist-uitzending-20-januari.html

What else is January for in Wisconsin other than working on a new album of honky tonk tunes? We're hard at work putting together the next album. The bed tracks (drums, bass, guitar, and guide vocals) for ten of the tunes have already been recorded and we're now in the process of adding additional instrumentation. Things are going very well and we're really excited about the tunes. For those of you wondering what those tunes are, stop by one of our upcoming shows, we're already playing them live!

Extra special bonus: we'll soon be putting up a studio version of Orange Blossom Special for free download on this here website!

The Honky Tonkitis family keeps growing! We made it onto Radio Rheinwelle out of Wiesbaden, Germany! Thanks to Rolf Hierath!

http://www.radio-rheinwelle.de/

 

We're now getting airplay on www.countrymusic24.com in Berlin, Germany! Das ist richtig, Crusher!

Want to hear some of the tunes (in their entirety) off our CD's for free? Click on this link:

 http://www.fm106.com/new2/artists/honkytonkitis

We've got five songs you can listen to there. Enjoy! Rate them all 5 stars!

THE trucker song. A few bits of info culled from YouTube:

"For those who don't know, a Georgia Overdrive is a downhill section of freeway. Old day truckers would have a high gear that would only let them go so fast without over-reving their engine, but if they had a downhill they would put the truck in neutral and let themselves fly. "

 

"A Jimmy and a White: The White Company used to own Frieghtliner. They used to be called White Freightliners. A "Jimmy" is a nickname for a GMC. They also used to make big trucks."

Is there any interest in having CD song lyrics added to this page? Let us know in the "Mouth Off" section.

Click on the link above or got to http://honkytonkjunkie.com/ for more info.

Jugtown is a radio show out of Hudson Valley, New York that also streams its shows to the internet. Go to http://jugtown.blogspot.com/ and call up the 11/04/2010 show to hear Honky Tonkitis' I Hope I Don't Get the Clap Tonight. Awesome! We've also added the Jugtown link to our links page.

Added a whole bunch of new links at our Links page.

We've added a live version of The Race Is On to the Jukebox! Downloadable! Go check it out.

If you haven't tried Jango.com, we suggest you give it a try! It's a streaming radio service that provides user customized music feeds that allow you to enter in your own tastes in music and get familiar and new music streamed back to you. Honky Tonkitis' music is currently on it. See if you can find us! 

Want to see how our music was used for a Science Friday video about Great Lake Trout? Click on this link:

We were asked to come up with some music for the vid based on some lyrics they gave us. "We'll never compromise our artistry!" we screamed. Oh, hell.

I'm leaving Wisconsin

Like Pabst Blue Ribbon

Like the Braves in '67

Like Lawrencia Bembenek

RIP Laurie.

Lawrencia "Bambi" Bembenek (August 15, 1958 — November 20, 2010)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldlcmbjz3mM

The first review for "Deep End of the Bottle" is up! And it's in Dutch! Thankfully, we were able to run it through the translator! Go check it out on our Press page!

Added a live version of Five Feet High and Rising to the Jukebox page.

Here's another vid from a few years ago. A tune from our first CD.

 

We've added a live version of Wine Spo-Dee-O-Dee to our Jukebox page. Go take a listen.

We've now got our CD's, "Deep End of the Bottle" and "You Drink And Drive Me Crazy" for sale at Tip Top Atomic Shop in Milwaukee.

2343 S Kinnickinnic Ave
Milwaukee, WI 53207-1625
(414) 486-1951

Go to our links page to get more info about their great store.

Here's why. One of the greatest honky tonk tunes of all time.

 

Yet another one of our early tunes, "Stop Playing Lawn Darts on my Heart," that we've found out on YouTube.

 

Hey, back when we released our first CD, "You Drink and Drive Me Crazy," we donated a couple hundred to a local org that was giving care packages to US troops heading to the Middle East. Anybody ever see one of those while they were serving? Anybody use one of our disks as target practice?

Bruce Dean is a multi-instrumentalist and the only HT guest musician that's played on both of our CD's! He played accordion on "Please Stop the Train" from the first CD and plays mandolin on "I'm Leaving Wisconsin" on the new CD. He also played mandolin on our Christmas track, "We Three Kings." You can see Bruce guesting with his old band, Reilly, from time to time, around Milwaukee. He also plays with the three-piece version of that same band. Bruce is a good friend of the band and a true musician's tool!

hugebrucespint.jpg

Bruce shows how to figure out when you've reached the tipping point of drinking too much.

Here's another YouTube video of the band live.

 

Tom Brusky

Tom Brusky, proving that accordion players get the chicks.

Tom Brusky is the man behind the squeezebox on the song, "But Not Me" from our new CD. He's another one of these pros that laid down a three-minute track in about a minute-and-a-half. The consummate professional musician. Go check out his website at www.tombrusky.com.

Honky Tonkitis: Deep End of the Bottle

Download a single track, the entire album, or get a physical copy mailed to you! Click the link above.

 

Stopped in at Rodeo Bar (4177 S. Howell) in Milwaukee and tipped back a few PBR's with D, the owner. Quite the honky tonk. Hope to be playing there in the near future.

Here's a video for Shotgun Divorce from a couple years ago. 

We haven't seen this one before. From about two years ago.

"Deep End of the Bottle" is now for sale at Rush-mor Records in Milwaukee!

2635 S Kinnickinnic Ave

(414) 481-6040

As our new album, "Deep End of the Bottle," comes out, the question on most people's minds will be:

Who the heck is the fantastic pedal steel player performing with this bunch of losers?

The answer can now be revealed: it's Gabriel Stutz from Chicago.

 Gabriel_Stutz-2.jpg

Actual picture of Gabriel Stutz. Gabriel Stutz action figure and action pedal steel sold separately.

After seeing Gabriel perform with Dan Whitaker and the Shinebenders, we asked him if he'd be willing to record with us for our new album, "Deep End of the Bottle." Gabriel graciously accepted and John took a trip down to Chicago to record Gabriel one long, long Sunday in February before returning to Milwaukee in a snowstorm. That's right, Gabriel recorded his portion of the whole album in one day.

Gabriel continues to play with multiple bands in the Chicagoland area. From time to time we might drag Gabriel up from Illinois to apply his pedal steel skills to Honky Tonkitis. If you see him with us, come on up, slap him on the back, and tell him he did a helluva job on the album. And remember: It's Gabriel, not Gabe.

Cover.jpg

Yee haw! The new CD's are in! It looks, sounds and smells exactly as we anticipated! We'll be making this CD available (via CD order and digital download) via CD Baby in the next week. We'll also be celebrating the CD release with a party at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall on Friday, Oct. 29th. Add to the Halloween delight by dressing as your favorite barfly!

As you can see, we've got a new website! So whaddaya think? Do you like? We designed it with the help of Hostbaby.com. Give us your feedback in the "Call the Old Lady" (e-mail) or "Shoot Your Mouth Off" (comments) sections.

WMSE, a great station in Milwaukee, received advance copies of the new CD, "Deep End of the Bottle," and they've been playing selected cuts! Call them today (414-799-1917) and request that they play a song from the new CD! If you'd like, specifically request the track, "C'mon, Baby, Get It Off Your Chest." It's our most radio-friendly tune! They also have copies of our first CD, "You Drink and Drive Me Crazy." Request the songs "Please Stop the Train" or "You Drink and Drive Me Crazy."

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