Honky Tonkitis

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In a blow to the honky tonk community, it was revealed today that drummer Kurt Weber of local group Honky Tonkitis has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.

The report, released by Modern Drummer magazine, said Weber tested positive for an abnormally high level of testosterone in his system. No drummer is known to have had a positive drug test overturned on appeal but the details would not be released in that event.

As a direct result, Weber faces a twenty show suspension from the group Honky Tonkitis.

Weber refused to answer questions from the media and has since retreated to his northern Wisconsin home.

Guitarist Bruce Dean did go on record as saying, "I had noticed that Kurt's drumming had dramatically improved in the past six months. He was hitting all of the tempo changes right on the mark and he was starting to keep up with the rest of the band on Orange Blossom Special. But to find out that he was on PED's? Man, nothing's worth that. But at least it explains the constant lactating and strong mood swings."

"Frankly, I'm disgusted by this," accordion player Don Turner announced, "and you have my persona pledge that I will never take any performance-enhancing drugs. And I think you see that pledge reinforced every time I perform. I plan to continue my mediocre performances. You will get no top-notch performances from me. Because that's just wrong."

"No one is more disappointed than I am," singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "because I'm the guy who has to train his replacement. And the only guy we could get usually plays with an ABBA cover band, and that dude just sucks."

No word yet as to whether Weber will have to return his 2012 "Best Honky Tonk Drummer on the West Side of Milwaukee" award.

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Weber: Performance-enhanced Honky Tonk?

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