Local drummer Kurt Weber of the band Honky Tonkitis held a press conference Tuesday to make a startling revelation.
"There's a secret I've been hiding for a long time, but I feel it's time to throw that door open and reveal the truth. I'm a muppet."
It turns out that not only is Weber a muppet, but that he is, in fact, Ernie of Sesame Street fame.
Response from the band was immediate and extreme.
"If Kurt, I mean Ernie, had hidden that he was a puppet, I would've been all right with that," singer Johnny Maplewood commented angrily. "If he had hidden that he was a marionette, I would've been angry, but I could have gotten over it. But the fact that he hid that he was a muppet, that's unforgivable."
"It certainly explains a lot," fiddle player Larry Gääärd noted. "I always wondered why he had a stick hanging from each of his hands. I thought they were just spare drumsticks. Turns out it was how his arms moved."
"Not to mention why he had a big 'E' on the front of his drumset," accordion player Don Turner added, "because Honky Tonkitis starts with an 'H'. 'H' is the first letter of 'Honky Tonkitis.' It makes the 'hhhhh' sound. It also happens to be the sponsor of the day, along with the number three."
"It's been hard, living this lie," Kurt/Ernie sighed, "But nothing compared to trying to explain my relationship with Burt to my wife."