Honky Tonkitis

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Local band Honky Tonkitis has been informed that a baseball game has helped resolve the issue of their missing bass player.

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More than a year ago, Jason Ploetz, bass player for the local group Honky Tonkitis, went missing. At the time, police and FBI were brought in to investigate.

"I know all the members of the band got thoroughly grilled by law inforcement," singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "And personally, I was anally probed. I think they went a little too far, but I made a few new friends."

Until yesterday, investigators were no further along in finding out what happened to Ploetz. It wasn't until Sunday's Milwaukee Brewers' radio broadcast that new information came to light. According to police, Brewers' play-by-play announcer Bob Uecker was in the middle of his broadcast when he diverged from a standard on-air promotion for Usingers Sausage.

"Y'know, whenever I'm watching a game like today's, and I want to throw something good on the grill, I'll grab me a slice of Jason Ploetz outta the fridge and toss him right on those glowing coals," Uecker is reported to have broadcast. "Whether it's a finger, an arm link, maybe a bit of buttock, man, it cooks up  tasty. Throw it on a toasted bun with a bit of ketchup, some sweet mustard, a little sauerkraut, mmm-mm! That Ploetz tastes great! Nothing better. I can't wait for that next homeless bass player to stop by my door for dinner!"

Attempts by others in the announcing booth to correct his statement were met with protests by Uecker: "No! Not Usingers! Jason Ploetz! Something about the honky tonk bass players makes for great eating! Just konk 'em on the back of the head, bleed 'em dry and get out the sausage grinder! Mmm-mm! That's good eating!"

Uecker was taken into custody later in the game. Uecker did not help his position when he argued with police, "C'mon! I'll let you have what's left of his brain! It's great! It's tender! Grill it rare, slap a little barbecue sauce on it, it can't be beat with a side of corn and beans!"

Bail for Uecker is currently withheld.

When asked if the ongoing investigation would impact the newly-erected Ueker statue at Miller Park, an unnamed stadium official responded, "It doesn't really matter. We'll just rededicate it to Rickie Weeks or Bud Selig or somebody. We'll probably just throw names in a hat and pick one out next week. It's not like that statue even resembles Uecker."

The Brewers went on to win the game against the Atlanta Braves, 8 to 2, advancing their chances at acquiring a wild card position in the playoffs.

 

Bob Uecker: What's for dinner?

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