Honky Tonkitis accordionist, Don Turner, announced Thursday that he has signed a long-term contract with Paul McCartney. In a surprising move, McCartney personally attended the contract signing alongside Turner and his now-former band.
"We'll be sorry to see Don go, but we're really happy that he's been given this great offer," singer Johnny Maplewood commented.
"I couldn't be happier with the arrangement," Turner announced.
"And neither could I. Whooo!" McCartney chimed in, shaking his famous hair.
According to attorneys familiar with the contract, Turner has agreed to turn his body over to McCartney when McCartney turns 75 or encounters a life-threatening illness. At that time, a team of doctors will transplant McCartney's brain to Turner's body.
"Just think of the quality of babes I'll get once I've got McCartney's brain."
"We'll think it, Don, but you won't," fiddler Larry Gääärd replied.
McCartney was asked why he had chosen Turner's body for his future.
"Bip Bop! Well, originally, I'd wanted a twenty-something young stud, but then I realized that they're a bit too crazy and careless. They might not age too well. Bip Boom Bop! I wanted a body that's had a chance to settle down and also shown itself to be resilient. Just look at Don! Shoop! He looks bulletproof. Bip Bop Bop!"
Turner was asked about the contract itself and the fact that it gives him less than five years left to live.
"Hey, what would you do? It's Paul freakin' McCartney! The money he offered is great! I'm gonna put it into some sweet long-term stocks. In five to ten years, I'm gonna be rich! In the meantime, I'm just gonna be cruisin' chicks, telling them, "Hey get in early on Paul McCartney's next body! How many girls would pass up THAT opportunity?"
"Yeah yeah yeah!" McCartney agreed.
And Turner's brain?
"The contract doesn't really cover Don's brain," drummer Kurt Weber explained, "I was thinking of asking the surgeons for it. I've got this old Magic Eight Ball that I figured could hold it. That blue liquid inside would probably work great at preserving Don's brain. Then, y'know, when I had some heavy decision I couldn't make up my mind on, I'd just ask Don's brain. Put out another album? Hey guys, Don's brain says, 'check back later!'"
"Hey, when this is all over, can I have my brain transferred into McCartney's body?" guitarist Bruce Dean asked.
"Ju-Ju-a-Judy-Judy-Judy-Ju-wow! Wow!" McCartney replied.
McCartney and Turner: Live and Let Die or Ebony and Ivory?