In a shocking announcement Thursday, the Supreme Court ruled the new Honky Tonkitis album, Alcohol & Heartbreak, unconstitutional.
Singer Johnny Maplewood responded with sadness over the decision: "This just went to trial two months ago. I had no idea they would rule so quickly over this album. Last I heard, Milli Vanilli was still waiting for the decision to come down on Girl You Know It's True. I don't know what pushed our album to the top of the list."
Maplewood's question was likely answered in a rare written commentary by Justice Scalia on the case. "I find this whole Honky Tonkwhatsis album to be a big steaming pile of crap. I only wish I could be granted the power to declare this entire band of misfits unconstitutional. I'd like to see them put in front of a firing squad. It's going to take many long nights of hard drinking to get those songs out of my head. I've never felt more like retiring from the Supreme Court. But dammit, I won't. I won't give these jerks the satisfaction."
Maplewood concluded his press conference by saying, "Do I have any regrets? I guess my only regret is that I listened to our accordion player, Don Turner, when he told me he could do a stand-up job as our attorney. To think that all it took was for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to wake up and legally rip Don a new one, well, that was the beginning of the end."
Honky Tonkitis has until next month to remove all copies of their new album from the market and burn them in a great flaming pyre on the front lawn of the Wisconsin State Capitol on August 1st.
Other, less important rulings were released by the US Supreme Court this week.
Alcohol & Heartbreak: now Honky unconstitutional