Local band Honky Tonkitis announced over the weekend that their new album will be moving in a new direction.
"Originally, we'd planned for the next album to be called, More Songs About Drinking Beer," lead singer and songwriter Johnny Maplewood explained. "But after being forced, I mean persuaded, to attend a non-denominational church, I've decided that the band should move in a new direction. That's why I'm renaming the album, More Songs About Drinking the Blood of Christ."
"Sweet!" Accordionist Don Turner was heard to comment. "I love death metal!"
"I realized, from a faith-based perspective," Maplewood continued, "that there's about ten times as much money to be made in non-denominational faith music as there is to be made in honky tonk music. In fact, there's virtually NO money to be made in honky tonk music. Praise Jesus!"
"I'm beginning to see the light!" drummer Kurt Weber interjected.
"You've got these thousands of people showing up each week to witness for the Lord and they're spending TONS of money on the band that's playing there," Maplewood continued. "Heck, I saw three Nashville sessions guys playing at the 8:30 mass, and that's not even their main mass! Praise the Lord!"
"I'm feeling the power of conversion!" guitarist Bruce Dean screamed, raising his hands over his head.
"All I've gotta do is take all of our existing songs and convert the questionable words, and we can become a hugely profitable cult lapped up by the masses. Amen!" Maplewood slapped both hands hard against the table for emphasis.
"Testify, brother!" Fiddle player Larry Gääärd shouted.
"One-syllable nouns get switched to 'Lord' and 'Faith.' Two-syllable nouns always become 'Jesus.' The same goes for the other parts of speech. 'Drink' becomes 'Praise'. 'Trashy' becomes 'faithful.' 'Alcohol' becomes 'testify.' And 'alimony' becomes...well, I'm still working on that one."
"Can I get an Amen!" Turner bellowed, holding his arms in the air.
"With just a few word changes and a completely cynical transformation in nature, I can convert this ungodly band of penniless heathens into a money-making machine of Christ's followers!" Maplewood thundered, turning his eyes toward heaven.
"Amen!" the band roared.
"Who's with me?" Maplewood howled.
"We are, brother!" the band howled back.
And with that, the group broke up the press conference while singing their old song, I Love Trashy Women, now re-christened, I Love Faithful Women.
Honky Tonkitis' new following, amen?