Local fiddle player Larry Gääärd is facing possible deportation by the Federal Immigration Service after recent scrutiny of his records.
"I can't understand it," Gääärd stated, "I've always been a US citizen. I was born right here in Wisconsin."
"Sure you were, comrade," accordion player Don Turner remarked. "Were you born in New Berlin or just...Berlin?"
"Honestly, I have to admit that I did wonder about Larry ever since he joined," singer and bass player Johnny Maplewood commented. "He plays fiddle great but his Wisconsin accent is just a tad off. I don't know how to explain it exactly. It's as if he was trained to speak like a Wisconsinite perfectly by some nefarious foreign government."
"And then there's the name," guitarist Bruce Dean adds, "Why the three umlauts? Who's born in Wisconsin with three umlauts?"
"You guys TOLD me to add the umlaut!" Gääärd interjects. "You told me it would make my name sound more metal! I just wanted to get in the band, so I added three!"
"So eager to become one of us, aren't you, my kraut-eating friend?" drummer Kurt Weber sneered. "Well it's time to tear away that mask and realize that we're onto you. Let's face it, we just don't want your foreign kind, whatever it may be, in this country. So take your fiddle and your umlauts and go back to wherever you came from!"
Gääärd is scheduled to meet with Federal Immigration authorities Tuesday.
May not be an actual picture of Larry Gääärd.