Honky Tonkitis

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Local band, Honky Tonkitis, announced Tuesday that they will be presenting and starring in a new cable television show beginning next month.

"We're very excited about this show. It's really a powerful way to showcase an artistic format near and dear to our hearts," lead singer Johnny Maplewood announced.

Psychic Beer Network is the name of the show.

"It's a half-hour feature in which we will be focusing on the crucial talent of our accordionist, Don Turner, to be able to predict with stunning accuracy the next beer you will drink," guitarist Bruce Dean explained. "Honestly, we're not even sure how he does it."

"It's spooky," drummer Kurt Weber elaborates. "Time and again, I get up to go to the fridge at practice and as I open the door, Don will turn to me with this quiet intensity and say something like, 'enjoy that Coors' or 'this Bud's for you' and he's always right! It's the exact beer I had in mind to drink. And there's usually at least three different brands of beer in that fridge."

"At first, it was just a fun parlor trick for us, knowing that he'd always be right. But then, as a joke, we had him do it on a couple random people at a show and it went over huge," fiddle player Larry Gääärd elaborated. "It got to the point where we had to stop doing it because people asked us to stop playing our music so that Don could do his thing."

"Now we're taking it to the next level," Maplewood continued,"We've got this half-hour weekly show coming out on local cable and we're turning Don loose to do his stuff."

Will the band's music be featured in the show?

"They're letting our version of the theme song play over the twenty second opening titles portion, as well as an instrumental version of it that plays over the end credits, so that's a start," Bruce Dean replies, "although they said the music might get replaced later in the season."

Gääärd was excited about the season's guests: "We're going to have a lot of famous celebrities come on so that Don can predict the beer they'll drink. So far, we've got commitments from Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhoff, just to name a few. We're really excited to be working with them and finding out what beer they want to drink.

How does Turner do it?

"I dunno. It's just something about the look in the person's eye and the pheromones they're producing. I can't really explain it," Turner replies coyly, "Just tune into the show to see if I can keep pulling it off."

And did it work on this writer?

"Dude, seriously?" Turner asked, "You really want a Hamm's beer?"

Shocking!

Psychic Beer Network will air on Tuesdays at 12:30 a.m. on cable channel 1243.

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