Local band Honky Tonkitis announced Tuesday that their customer service phone line was up and running.
"This customer service line will allow fans to get answers they need to know about the band," singer Johnny Maplewood explained. "Whether it's important news about a show, directions to a bar, information on how to download a song, or how to mix a drink for a member of the band, it'll all be available through our customer service phone number, 1-800-HONKYTONK."
Drummer Kurt Weber added, "We'd like to have this take the place of people shouting out requests to the band from the audience, or texting us while we're on stage. Honestly, we can't stand you anyway, and the less we have to deal with you in person, the better. That's why we thought we'd institute this system to force you to take twenty minutes to do something that should only take seconds. And most importantly, we're making a commission on every phone call you make. Give it a try right now!"
Accordionist Don Turner went on to explain: "One of the special features of our Customer Service line is that you'll always be put through to someone in customer service who's sitting in a bar somewhere in the United States. In other words, if you can't understand what they're saying, you can be assured that it's because they're drunk, not that their first language isn't English. Heck, sometimes I even take calls myself!"
Guitarist Bruce Dean had high expectations for the new phone line:"I know people have come to expect a lot of terrible things when calling customer service. Long waits, rude operators, useless help, and plain old incomprehension of simple questions. I'm hoping we can stretch this to a whole new level. Create a brand new playing field of bad service while maximizing the amount of money the band is making on these horrible calls."
Fiddle player Larry Gääärd summarized the band's new project: "This could be the most useless thing introduced to the American public since honky tonk muzak. And hey, we've got that, too. Whoa, hold on, our first call! 'Hello, you're reached the Honky Tonkitis customer service line. Can I put you on hold?'"