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  • May 27
    Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall,  Milwaukee
     

Honky Tonkitis

Here's where you talk to the band

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Local band Honky Tonkitis announced Friday that it will roll out a new Crowdfunding Project next week.

“We’re totally excited about this,” said lead singer Johnny Maplewood. “This is our baby, and we couldn’t be prouder. I hope our fans get behind us on this.”

Maplewood explained that with the intellectual support of the band, he had made strong steps into building a working time machine.

“We know that this has nothing to with the creation of music, y’know, like that new CD we’ve been promising to put out for the last two years,” drummer Kurt Weber elaborated, “but in a way, this is kinda more exciting.”

Band members went on to clarify that initial tests at sending an object back in time were successful.

“We were looking for something worthless that we could send fifty years into the past without getting too damaged,” accordionist Don Turner remarked. “I remembered that I had a Miller Lite in the bottom of my fridge that I wasn’t drinking, so we sent that back. Sure enough, we dug it up from my yard this morning where we’d sent it. I popped the top and it tasted just as bad as a Miller Lite you’d buy today.”

The group hopes that with proper funding they’ll be able to achieve their ultimate goal of sending a person back through time.

“We’re just not sure whether a human being could actually survive the time travel process and Lord knows we have no way of bringing them back,” guitarist Bruce Dean explained, “which is why we’ve decided to send back Larry Gääärd, our fiddle player.”

“I’m proud to go!” Gääärd beamed, “just don’t put me as deep in the ground as you did the can of beer.”

“The initial success of this device has brought forth all sorts of possibilities about how we could influence the past for the better,” Maplewood discussed. “Think about the important changes we could make to history! Prevent Hitler’s rise to power. Stop Oswald. Save MLK’s life. The possibilities are endless!”

The band went silent as they pondered the impact they could have on the past, present and future.

“We discussed it at length,” Maplewood continued, “and we’ve agreed that the most important thing we could do for humanity is to send Gääärd back to manage the musical career of the Eagles. With them out of the picture, not only do you stop that horror, you also erase modern country, and most likely, Kid Rock as well.”

“I’m proud to go!” Gääärd exclaimed, “If I can’t fly the Eagles’ future into the ground, nobody could!”

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