Local fiddle player Larry Gääärd, of the band Honky Tonkitis, has announced that he is closer to dating actress Salma Hayek.
"With the report this week of the dissolution of her marriage, l am now 1,247th in line to date Salma Hayek," Gääärd revealed.
"This is a huge step forward for me, and the 1,246 guys in front of me," Gääärd explained. "We now have yet another real chance at dating Ms. Hayek, or as a I like to call her, Salma."
"Men in this line never thought they would have another chance with her once she got married," Gääärd continued, "but now it's a whole new ball game. And I mean that literally. I gave up my place in line for season tickets to the Green Bay Packers to skip ahead five hundred places in this line."
Gääärd is optimistic about his chances dating Hayek.
"Oh yeah, you've gotta figure that at least three or four hundred of the guys in front of me are gonna be outta there before they get to my Salma. I mean, some will die, get married, be discovered on this list by their wives, be found to have multiple wives, revealed to have venereal diseases, go to war, switch teams, become ninjas, get on the cat list instead...there's tons of things that'll happen, all of which will bump me up that list really quick."
Gääärd feels that he's got what it takes to be Hayek's man.
"I'm confident that I'm the one for Salma," Gääärd explains. "I've got a job, I play a musical instrument, I'm easy to get along with, and I really like Salma Hayek. I think these are all positive traits that can push me ahead of the 1,246 other guys waiting to date her."
Others do not share Gääärd's optimism.
"That guy is lost in his own little Fantasyland," fellow bandmate and accordion player Don Turner counters. "I can tell you Gääärd doesn't stand a chance, because I'm at 852 on the Salma date list, and once she hits the magic 852, it's all over for Gääärd and all those other chumps behind me.
Could 1,247 be Salma Hayek's magic number?