Honky Tonkitis

Here's where you talk to the band


Some race car drivers retire to playing guitar.

Not Chris Conrad. He went the other way.

"I gave up honky tonk to sink all my cash into the money pit that is race cars. It still pays better than honky tonk," Conrad explained.

But now he's got a chance to look down on the band he left. Literally.

"Chris and Honky Tonkitis have been hired to appear at the Washington County Fair," singer Johnny Maplewood explained, "and they are paying us all to put on a rather exciting show. During the course of our performance, Chris will attempt to jump his midget race car over the band."

The band expressed optimism over the stunt.

"This is going to be awesome as hell!" fiddle player Larry Gääärd enthused. "I'm gonna be just like Evel Knievel! Hopefully in one of his few successful stunts where he didn't break any bones or suffer internal bleeding."

"It gives me a chance to sell my soiled pants after the show," accordionist Don Turner bragged. "I usually don't get anything when I try to sell them after our regular shows."

"I've examined this stunt from all angles," guitarist Bruce Dean explained, "meaning, I walked a big circle around the stage we're performing on. I can't see any way this can go wrong."

"We've got all the confidence in the world in Chris' racing skills," drummer Kurt Weber explained. "We know we'll be just fine."

Exciting as this may be, we asked Chris Conrad if he believed it would succeed.

"No chance in hell," Conrad confirmed.

"My midget race car is built for no other purpose than to drive really fast over flat land. It's not built to jump off ramps, fly over people, or land successfully. It's got all the airborne aerodynamics of a pig."

Conrad was somewhat optimistic.

"Oh, I've got a good chance of surviving this myself. I'll be wearing a crash helmet and be strapped in tight and I'm adding multiple airbags to the racer. I should get out of this okay."

But the band?

"I'm expecting a full and complete destruction of the group. We're talking decapitations, crushed internal organs and maximum amount of bloodshed. I'm going to feel pretty bad about my car, too."

What about chances for any of the band surviving?

"Well, that's why my car can go in reverse," Conrad concluded.

Chris Conrad and midget racerHonky Tonkitis

Will Chris Conrad jump the shark?


Milwaukee Midget Racing responds April 18, 2014 @10:33 am I cancelled the order for the ramp, but the event is still on. By the way, I see you're doing a show with the Windy City Thunderbolts. You realize that they're the only Chicago baseball team likely to finish above .500.

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