Honky Tonkitis

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Local musician Larry Gääärd, of the band Honky Tonkitis, is recovering after receiving a rare black widow spider bite Tuesday at a local food store.

"All of a sudden I felt this pinprick on my hand. I thought I got a sharp piece of the banana I was holding. Or that someone had buried a needle in my fruit. And then I saw that big black sucker, and I was like...waaaagh!" Gääärd reported.

"When I heard, of course I was very concerned," singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "I mean, those are very rare spiders. I was afraid maybe the spider was killed or badly injured. After Gääärd told me, I immediately contacted the store where the incident took place and asked them to make sure the spider was okay."

"I'd have to say, the Latrodectus is one of my favorite spiders in all of North America," drummer Kurt Weber added, "No matter what particular genus bit Gääärd, I'm sure he had it coming. That jerk's been pissing off spiders, not to mention me, ever since he joined the band. He got what he deserved."

"We're working on setting up a special fund for that particular spider," guitarist Bruce Dean noted. "I've already got three bands willing to do a benefit with us, as well as a couple bars that offered to supply their location, beer, and food. I've also gotten a number of calls from random people who just want to punch Gääärd. This is really bringing the local community together."

"I mean, hey, the females eat the heads off their partners after they mate," accordionist Don Turner enthused. "That's just sexy, no matter how you slice it. I've had a couple girlfriends like that. Rowr!"

Gääärd pointed out that he was, in fact, injured by the bite. "My hand's turned deep red around the bite, it's swollen up considerably, and there's pus weeping from the bite holes. I've been vomiting for the last couple hours and I can't stand for any length of time."

"Gääärd's always complaining about something," Maplewood concluded. "He showed me the bite mark, but I wasn't able to see anything. I mean, that guy's lumpy all over. This didn't seem like anything special. I think he's just a big baby."

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