Honky Tonkitis

Here's where you talk to the band


In a surprising move, local honky tonk band, Honky Tonkitis, has announced they will allow their fans to decide who their lead singer shall be.

"We need to spice things up," drummer Kurt Weber commented. "We think that there's change in the air, and we decided to do the most rational thing we could and let our beer drinking fans decide who our lead singer should be. Personally, I'm voting for Kenny Rogers."

Kenny Rogers

"I was going to go with Kenny Rogers, too, but the facelift really creeps me out," guitarist Bruce Dean replied. "I really dig a lot of his music but every time I'm in a room with him, it's like his eyes are tracking me, even though his face never moves. Brrrrr. It's giving me the willies even thinking about it. The condition of my condition is 'no way.'"

Dean pauses for a moment.

"Yeah, that's why I'm going to go with someone I'm much more secure with. I'm going with Barney."


"Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, been there, done that," accordionist Don Turner interjects. "Bruce, I know he makes you feel warm thoughts about your teenage years, but believe me, you don't want to go there. I backed the dinosaur for two weeks out in a Vegas a couple years ago and he turned out to be the worst boss I've ever had. Binge drinker, always blaming the band for his own mistakes, leaves big purple dinosaur droppings on the stage, and every time we tried to confront him about his problems it was all, 'I love you, you love me' crap. The guy's impossible."

Turner pauses to take a sip of his drink.

"Now, if you want to know who's a class act that I'd go with, then my money's on Celine Dion."

Celine Dion

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you guys," fiddle player Larry Gääärd interjects, "but I used to have a relationship with Celine Dion and part of the legal settlement requires that I not even be in the same state as her. Even now, when we tour, I have to coordinate my appearance schedule with her lawyers to make sure that won't happen. Haven't you ever wondered why she never toured Wisconsin, the hotbed of French Canadian entertainment?"

Gääärd reflects for a moment.

"What I really think this band needs is another strong soloist. In fact, I'm going to be blunt: this band needs a strong soloist. And the whole singing thing is overblown, although I happen to know a guy who would be perfect for the job because he sings almost as good as he plays soprano sax: Kenny G. Now THAT's a Kenny I can stand behind.

Kenny G!

At this point, singer Johnny Maplewood interects. "Why are you guys talking like I'm not even in the room? Don't you think this decision affects me? Do you think I'm going to sit idly by while you sit here brainstorming how to replace me? Who put this band together in the first place? Who wrote the songs? Who booked the shows? Who brought the PA? Who paid you at the end of the night? Who got you home safely"

Maplewood shakes his head.

"I can't believe you guys would sell me out this way, as if I'm not even part of the equation. As if I have no say in my own band. Think again. I run this thing. You'll listen to what I tell you and you'll like it, or you're out."

Maplewood stares down the band as they lower their heads, refusing to make eye contact.

"Having said that, the obvious choice for lead singer is definitely Glenn Danzig. Duh! The dude rocks like a mofo!"

Glenn Danzig

The band awaits their fans' decision.

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