Honky Tonkitis

Johnny Cash Saturday! A threesome of tunes by Johnny and the Tennessee Two! This is awesome. Enjoy!

Local fiddle player Larry Gard is uncertain about his chances of playing future shows with local honky tonk band Honky Tonkitis.

"These guys are a little strange," Gard says, scratching his head.

"I've enjoyed playing with them, but then they've made all of these requests of me that I think are unnecessary. For instance, they told me that they don't think my first name is good enough, so they want me to change my name to just Gäärd, because they think it sounds more metal. I don't even know what that means!"

Other examples Gard could provide were the band requesting him to only play shows in yellow clothes, performing the vocal solo in Hocus Pocus by Focus during their live act, and strapping smoke bombs to his stage fiddle and lighting them during his solos.

"Last show went great, but my shoulder got burned pretty badly during the last solo. Those smoke bombs put out a lot of heat."

The band would not comment on Larry's accusations other than to say, "We think Gäärd has some great potential."

Gard commiserated about past projects as well.

"I'm grateful to the band for giving me this opportunity. Things haven't gone so well for me recently. My John Denver tribute band never really took off, my group dedicated to playing the music of Bob Dylan as heard by Devo wasn't a hit, and my one man nude fiddle show only brought me three misdemeanors and a number of restraining orders."

"I'm planning on stopping at the courthouse later today to see if the restraining orders will prevent me from making the name change. Maybe if I get three umlauts on my name the band will really like me," Gääärd concluded.

Clown in photo may not be Larry Gard.

Red Sovine is mostly known for shmaltzy voice-over songs like Teddy Bear and Giddy-Up Go from the late 60's. What he's not as well known for are some of these great tunes he sang earlier in his career. He's got a number of them, and he's got a voice built for honky tonk. A good starter for Red Sovine's music is Juke Joint Johnny. No, we're not promoting for any companies, we're just doing it to help you expand your honky tonk music tastes. By the way, Buck Owens also covered this song early in his career. But we're not going to supply the link for it. Go find it your damn self!

The Milwaukee District Attorney's office is reviewing whether to press charges against a local accordion player for the band Honky Tonkitis after a dust-up in a bar last week. Although details of the bar fight are being reviewed, what has been confirmed is that Milwaukee Brewers relief pitcher John Axford was relieved of four teeth during the tavern dust-up.

Reached earlier this week after making bail, accordion player Don Turner provided his version of the altercation: “Look, Axford came into the bar dissing accordion players and accordions in general. Usually I let this kind of stuff slide right off my back, but when he went into his fourth ‘how many accordion players does it take to screw in a light bulb’ joke, I told him to pipe down. Well, one thing led to another, push came to shove, and Axford was spitting teeth like sunflower seeds.”

Axford, when reached for comment, stated that although he did indeed lose four teeth last week, they were removed by an oral surgeon rather than in a bar fight.

“An oral surgeon, that’s what he called me?” Turner laughed. “Sure, I was his oral surgeon. And Axford, if you want another appointment, just stop by the bar again and start up with the accordion jokes. I’ll be happy to squeeze you in. And I’ll make sure to feed you those teeth for breakfast along with your Lucky Charms. Green Clovers. Blue Diamonds. Purple Horse shoes. And Bloody Red teeth.”

No word yet on Axford’s next scheduled pitching appearance.

Axford and Turner: How many teeth does it take to screw in a relief pitcher?

Thanks to everyone who came out to see us last Friday night. You got to see the debut of fiddle player Larry Gard with us. We had a blast. We look forward to seeing everyone again in June, when we'll be playing a number of times. In the meantime, enjoy this tune.

Local honky tonk singer Johnny Maplewood was taken into custody Tuesday for violating the terms of his parole.

"No one was injured. No one was harmed. The only person violated was me," Maplewood argued while being led away by police.

Police made the arrest after receiving complaints of a crowd getting out of hand in a local tavern. While investigating, it was determined that Maplewood was at the center of the incident. After detaining Maplewood, police discovered the parole violation and made the arrest. 

"This is all just a big misunderstanding," Maplewood reiterated. "I'm sure this can all be straightened out in no time. There's no reason to arrest me."

Nevertheless, Maplewood was taken into custody for violating parole terms that require that he abstain from dressing like a clown in public.

"Technically, I am not dressed as a clown. I'm dressed as a mime," Maplewood commented, as he was led away by police.

Maplewood is expected to appear in court Wednesday. 

This is Johnny-come-lately, but last Friday night we got paired up at the last minute with the Delaware-based band, Concrete Rivals. Thes guys were fantastic! We were happy to share the dueling stages with them. Check out the vid below and come see them the next time they come through Milwaukee. What you see in the vid is just a small portion of the huge talent they possess. A fantastic, tight, trio.

Johnny Cash Saturday! Thanks to everyone who came out to Kochanski's to see us last night. We had a blast. We'll take a listen to the recordings and see if anything turned out good enough to post. Thanks to Larry Gard for playing fiddle with us last night. It sounded awesome for only two practices!

We want this microphone!

Honky Tonkitis, 9pm tonight at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall.

A chance to see why Milwaukee calls Andy Kochanski "the most misunderstood bar owner in the city."

We'll be performing with violin legend Larry Gard!

(may not be actual picture of Larry Gard)

We'll be playing lots of music while drinking lots of beer!

Children of all ages welcome!

Children must be of legal drinking age. Clowns must show actual clown license to be admitted.

Come down and join the fun!

Conway Twitty had a great line of honky tonk albums throughout the 60's. Then he hit 70's and the country music industry changed and he had a hit with some sentimental crap that changed the whole direction of his career. Goodbye cool honky tonk sons, hello sentimental crap.Ah well, he had a good decade run. If you search out Conway's 60's albums, you'll be deeply rewarded with some truly great honky tonk music.

In surprising news today, Kurt Weber, drummer for Honky Tonkitis, is out as official spokesmodel for Suave Shampoo for men.

The clean-cut, closely-cropped Weber will be replaced by Clay Matthews, long-haired hippie and Superbowl veteran of the Green Bay Packers.

No word yet on whether Weber Grills are seeking to terminate the Honky Tonkitis drummer as their spokesman as well.

Time to get a reminder of how great George Jones is. This was one of the tunes that helped inspire our tune, What Would George Jones Do. George was a master of his craft.

Hey kids!

Now you too can create your own honky tonk song with a little help from the boys at Honky Tonkitis! Go ahead and fill in the requested words below and you're well on your way to writing your first hit honky tonk song! (Honky Tonkitis takes no responsibility for the words "hit," "honky tonk," or "song.)

I'm drinking _______________, and it's wrecking my whole life,

             brand of alcohol

My baby's ______________, and it's causing me some strife,

            painful verb

I'm begging baby, won't you ___________________,

                             fix stuff verb

Before we _____________________________________________.

          Messed-up results that rhyme with fix stuff verb

CHORUS

Darlin', you hold my _______________ in your hands,

                      body organ

And the tears they _________ with every squeeze,

                    action verb

Darlin' why don't you hold my ________________ instead,

                              alcoholic drink

Or I'll be dead, or on my knees

VERSE

The jukebox is playin' _____________________ and I'm feelin' blue

                                Hank Williams song

The bartender is ________________ while I just think of you

                         action verb

Every time I drink my _________________ I feel like I could cry

                                 alcoholic drink

Should I switch to _____________________ or will I still just sigh?

                           another alcoholic drink

Here's a common example of a honky tonk feature: a song about not only how band things are, but about how they're going to get worse. Funny how you don't hear stuff like this on the radio anymore...but that's what you get when you have a genre devoted to drinking in honky tonks. That's why we love it so much.

Merle Haggard also covered this tune. According to the label on the 45 image, it was written by L & C Anderson. If you get a chance, click on this link and go listen to the Hag's version. It's always interesting to hear how another singer will cover the same song.

Johny Cash Saturday!

Wow. Great shirts. Marshall Grant got the shaft on this vid. Do they even show his shoulder?

This is just so wrong. We better find out this is just an elaborate joke. Hell, in beer talk, they didn't even spell "Lite" correctly.

Really, this is the only kind of Pabst light we want to see:

Some great 60's George.

Local accordion player Don Turner was fired by his employer Tuesday when he refused to turn over has MySpace ID and password to the company.

"MySpace? Does that site even EXIST anymore?" Turner commented.

"I think I had one of those when I was in high school." Drummer Kurt Weber added, "I put a picture of Neil Peart on it. A lot of my friends liked it. I mean, not clicking on it to 'like' it. You couldn't do that on MySpace. They just would see me at school and tell me they liked it."

Singer Johnny Maplewood had a different view altogether.

"Hey, look, what Don's putting on his MySpace page is important for an employer to know about. They need to know that he's not discussing secret info or citicizing his own company. I mean, how do I know he's not dissing my singing skills on his page or making bass player jokes behind my back there? Let me tell you, it would explain a lot of the laughing that goes on at our shows when I play a bass solo. Turner, you get me that MySpace password by Friday or you're outta the band!"

This is a vid built around a live version of our tune What Would George Jones Do with a segue into The Race Is On. Enjoy.

Local honky tonk band Honky Tonkitis is facing down indecision in its immediate future.

"Honestly, we're not sure how things are going to turn out," singer Johnny Maplewood stated.

The whole issue came about as the band headed to a show.

"We were running late, but as we drove over a bridge, the car in front of us threw something out the window that landed in the water below," Maplewood explained. "We were a little concerned, so we stopped and fished it out. It turns out it was a burlap sack full of newborn kittens."

The roly-poly bag of kittens has driven a razor-sharp wedge between members of the band.

"If it was up to me, I'd say we take the bag and toss it back. Let God sort 'em out," accordion player Don Turner suggested while pointing toward the bag of adorable, tiny kittens.

"I'd take them home with me and raise them myself. I've got a little baby bottle. I could feed them warm milk one at a time and nurse them back to health. Except I'm completely allergic. I swell up like balloon and a yellow pus runs from all my orifices," violinist Tom Hansen lamented, while the baby kittens batted each other in the head with their tiny paws.

"I'm pretty sure I know a guy who could take them," drummer Kurt Weber noted, cradling one of the tiny purring cats in his hand. "He needs them for testing toxic chemicals. Y'know, the kind where they drip the stuff in their eyes and mouths and stuff and note the painful results. He'd probably give us good money for them."

As the newborn kittens mewed and played, tumbling over each other, guitarist Bruce Dean noted, "Well, I've already got three cats at my house, and they're driving me nuts. I'm thinking of asking the band if I can just take the burlap sack, if you know what I mean."

"I just don't know what to do," singer Johnny Maplewood sighed, stroking one of the stray kittens that was happily chewing on his pinky. "I'm so sick of having to make the decisions with this band. I'm thinking we just bring them to our show along with the sack and a big bucket of water and let the audience decide. I'm sure a bar full of people drinking alcohol can come to an appropriate and well-thought out decision."

Johnny Cash Saturday!

This is a great interview we've never seen before.

Johnny Cash Saturday is being put off for a day.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise to anyone when they heard that George Jones passed away yesterday. He was getting on in years. He was working up to his final tour, and everyone could see it was a chance to say goodbye to George and get to see him one last time. For being dubbed "No Show Jones," in his years since he cleaned up from the drugs and alcohol, he was a true work horse.

It's hard to gauge the incredible impact his voice had on country music. You hear about legends and you think that they can sometimes be fluff based around a couple hits, but when you dig into George's catalog, it contains thousands of songs that are just so fantastic that it is truly staggering. You could pull the top ten hits out of his repertoire, throw them away and never listen to them again and you'd still be left with so many truly great songs to listen to that it makes just about every other artist look like a slacker in comparison.

The guys in Honky Tonkitis never met George, even though we'd seen him in concert. He probably stands at the top of the list of people we wish we could have met, and yet, what would you say if you met him? Force him to tell you a story? It's just like you're trying to get a piece of him, and to a certain extent, that just seems cheap. We guess if we had the chance, we'd just want to shake his hand, look him in the eye, and thank him, honestly, for giving us so many great songs to listen to for the rest of our lives and inspiring us so greatly through the music he sang.

Thankfully, for all of us, George wrote one of the greatest autobiographies any musician could write, I Lived to Tell It All. If you've never read it, get it and start reading. It will suck you in. George wrote an unblinking portrait of himself that is honest and brutal and hilarious. It's great to grab that book on an afternoon when you've got an hour, throw on some of George's music, and read a chapter. You get a chance to meet the guy you wish you'd met. And man, the stories he tells about his life. Wow.

So life goes on. George, you made so many people who know your music so happy. And we always have the chance to go back to that well and listen to a master of his craft. You were one of the honky tonk greats. You never gave in to the musical trash that now fills the airwaves. The biggest favor any of us can do is introduce people to George Jones' music and watch as as the power of yourvoice slowly unfolds on them and they get a chance to discover what a true honky tonk master is.

George Jones, rest in peace. We hope to see you some day, have you tell us a story, and hear your beautiful voice once more. In the meantime, we've got your records to console us.

In shocking news Thursday, local band Honky Tonkitis announced that it has replaced its long-time singer, songwriter and upright bass player.

"Johnny Maplewood is effectively gone," guitarist Bruce Dean stated, "from this point forward, he is not a member of the band. The music continues to play, but that singer is gone."

Pressed to explain this decision, Dean remarked, "We just couldn't take it anymore. The dressing up. The theatrics. The whining, cloying voice. The lyrics about depressing subjects that only seemed to make sense to him and no one else. Songs written about stuff that only teenage girls could grasp. Well let me tell you: it was going right over the heads of the beer drinking public that we're usually performing to."

"On the bright side," Dean continued, "we have been able to find a replacement for Maplewood, someone we think that will better reflect the musical tendencies of the band. And we're going to introduce him to you right now!"

With that, Dean stepped aside to introduce Honky Tonkitis' new singer.

Robert Smith of the Cure.

Wayne is the man. Arguably, Wayne is the closest thing we have to answering the question, "What if Hank Williams had lived?" Hank Williams III is close as well (and covered this song), but Wayne wrote this one, and its just scary how much the spirit of Hank is imbued in this song. Wayne continues to record and tour and has a new album called Ride. If you like this tune, we recommend you hunt up the rest of Wayne's albums and buy some. Here's a link:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=wayne%20hancock

Many of you have probably heard that if you play Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album while watching the movie The Wizard of Oz that they eerily match up perfectly. It's like a whole new groovy soundtrack added to that crazy movie.

We got word this week that one of our fans stumbled onto much the same thing themselves. Supposedly, if you play our album, Alcohol & Heartbreak, while watching the movie Mommie Dearest, you'll cheer for the Joan Crawford character.

"It's weird," Don Turner said, "But when I watched it like this, Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford was pretty hot. I'm going out and buying wire hangers."

Charlie Louvin's song selection always focused on excellent wordplay. He may not have written them, but he picked the best. Listen to the lyrics of this song. For a guilty drinking song, this is just quality. And, as always, Charlie delivers it with clarity and honesty. Another honky tonk classic by one of the honky tonk masters.

Honky tonk's best theme: blame the alcohol.

Johnny Cash Saturday!

It doesn't get any better than this pair of vids.

Televangelist Pat Robertson this week announced that local band Honky Tonkitis is the reason for bad music globally. "I have spoken to God and God has told me that Honky Tonkitis sucks."

Robertson,  a media mogul, television evangelist, ex-Baptist minister and businessman politically aligned with the Christian Right in the United States made a formal statement about the band:

"The world has befallen the musical tragedies of today because of Honky Tonkitis. The tsunami that is Justin Bieber, the magnitude 7.0 earthquake of Lady Gaga, even the tragic house fire that is Eminem: God has heard the music of Honky Tonkitis, God is angered by the music of Honky Tonkitis, and God continues to allow the tragedy of today's music because of Honky Tonkitis. God is leading us through a musical desert, withholding the musical manna of Beatles and Abbas and Whos. And God will not be placated until this honky tonk AntiChrist is removed from creation." 

After reading the announcement, Honky Tonkitis drummer Kurt Weber said, "I dunno, I think our new album is pretty good. Yeah, God could be getting back at the world for our first record, but in our defense, we were a brand-new band."

Robertson, explaining that Honky Tonkitis has caused God to even ruin the music of Metallica.

We've been remiss in not posting this. It speaks for itself.

We've been known to get well-intentioned drinkers at our shows who like to shout out helpful guidance to the band while we perform. Some people call this "heckling," we call it "shouting out helpful guidance to the band." One gent in particular was regularly helping us out when we recognized that he was drinking Hamm's Beer. It seemed relevant at the time, so we played the old Hamm's theme song. Well, it's kind of snowballed from there. We're regularly getting requests for it, no matter how poorly we perform it, usually followed or preceded by five cans of Hamm's making their way up to the stage. We're hoping that by posting our version of the song on the website that people's desires to hear this song will be satiated. We doubt that will occur. Go over to the Jukebox to hear our version of the song. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Ah yes, the wonderful world of honky tonk, where you can write a popular song about pretty much nothing at all occurring. Honky Tonkers are happy with songs about watching paint dry or the installation of a new sump pump. Because, after all, the key here is that the singer is paralyzed into inaction by a broken heart. Such famous examples would include Willie Nelson's Four Walls, the Statler Brothers' Flowers on the Wall or Bobby Flores' Curtain in the Window. You too can write a great honky tonk song while working on some random piece of home maintenance. Kiss' Plaster Caster doesn't count.

Aigh! Is it Monday already? What happened to Sunday? Sorry about that. We missed our Sunday post due to a crazy weekend. But what can you do? Anyway? We got to see a living MASTER of Honky Tonk, Dwight Yoakam, as he made a rare Milwaukee appearance last night. Numerous Honky Tonkitis members in the audience were whooping it up as Dwight and the band tore through an awesome set. If you haven't seen him and he comes through your town, by all means, attend. It's like a religious event of old. People were throwing down and dancing in the aisles with an uncontrolled fervor. Dwight still has what it takes to drive 'em crazy.

Last Friday night was a great night for Honky Tonkitis at Kochanski's Concertina Beer Hall. Numerous crazed audience members with screaming and shouting and a lot of dancing. We kept our word and threw out a half dozen new songs. Definitely like dancing on a high wire without a net, be we were happy to try it. A few times we were tipping towards falling off! But the audience was supportive and got rewarded with a bunch of new tunes by the band as well as a couple new cover tunes by Dale Watson, the Texas Tornadoes, and the Mavericks. And, that crazy Hamm's beer theme song raised its ugly head again. We'll be posting our version of that tune in all its live, ugly, drunkenness some time later this week.

For those of you who wished you could've been there, we'll be stopping back in to Kochanski's for another show on Friday, May 10th. Don't miss it!

In the meantime, check out the kind of thing you would've seen in Milwaukee on Sunday night.

There's probably a few people out there right now thinking, "I don't even think any of that was funny at all. Aren't they supposed to be funny on Mondays?"

Johnny Cash Saturday! This is another great clip we've never seen before, especially since this song never really broke through for Johnny and the Tennessee Two. It's good to see it get some attention here. Come back tomorrow for our recap of Friday night's gig.

Singer Johnny Maplewood of the local band Honky Tonkitis died Wednesday. At least for a short time.

"According to the doctors, while I was under, I flatlined for a almost twenty minutes."

Maplewood was in the hospital undergoing experimental brain surgery when the incident occurred.

"I remember being above my body, seeing the doctors and operating table, and then flying up and away at a rapid rate of speed. I then entered a long tunnel and I could see light at the end of it with figures there."

Maplewood said he wasn't scared during the experience.

"I was completely calm. It all seemed relatively natural. These people...at least I think they were people...surrounded me at the end of the tunnel. I felt like they were taking me somewhere."

Was Maplewood going to heaven?

"Again, I felt so calm, I didn't really have the sensation that, 'this is it' and I'm not coming back. I guess I was caught up in the moment. I mean, I'd heard the stories, but it's so strange that it's actually happening."

It was then that everything changed.

"Suddenly, I hear the opening licks of the Eagles' Hotel California, and I'm like, 'What the hell?' I thought I'd just kind of wait and see what happened, but it really threw me off."

Maplewood wasn't sure what to do next.

"I mean, I thought, maybe I'm in limbo, maybe I'm awaiting judgement. Maybe I'm in some kind of afterlife waiting room, and as it turns out, like most waiting rooms, the muzak sucks. Heh! Go figure. They can't even spring for good music in the afterlife! Somebody change the channel!"

But then things got stranger.

"That interminable song finally ends, and on comes that Kid Rock song that's basically a rip-off of seventies rock and I'm like, 'Dude! This tune absolutely sucks and blows! What the hell is going on?"

Maplewood began to panic.

"I'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of test. Maybe Jesus is just having me on. Any second now, Buddha's going to pop out from behind a screen and say, 'man, Mohammed and I totally had you going there!' and we'd all laugh about it and enter the next astral plane. But then that song ends and a Justin Bieber tune comes on. And I'm beginning to realize that the afterlife is not going to be such a pleasant place for me."

It was then that things began to move quickly for Maplewood.

"I just remember screaming, 'I can change! I can change! Don't leave me here!' A microphone and a karaoke TV appeared and I just knew things were going to get worse. After some long length of my screaming, I suddenly felt myself flying at a high rate of speed and a voice saying, 'we've got a pulse.'"

It was shortly after that that Maplewood returned to his body.

"I've never been so grateful about waking up with a splitting headache"

Maplewood has been contemplating his future.

"I realize now that things have to change in my life. I've been given a vision of the hell that awaits me and I don't want to go back there. This may require me quitting the band. I don't know if writing and singing songs about drinking and divorce and drinking are wrong, but if for some reason it irks the Almighty, I've gotta stop."

Maplewood plans to discuss it with his band, Honky Tonkitis, at their show Friday night.

Maplewood: On a dark desert highway with cool wind in his hair?

Guitar players take note: This is about as close as honky tonk is going to come to the blues. Lots of great guitar riffs in this tune. We bet this guitarist was having a blast on this session. Hey, by the way, Honky Tonkitis is playing a show tomorrow night and we'll be performing a half dozen new tunes. A good chance to see and hear what the next album's going to sound like.

Honky Tonkitis violin player, Tom Hansen, announced that he will be taking a leave of absence from the group for the Summer season to embark on a tour with the legendary hard rock group, Kiss.

“I received a last-minute call from Kiss’ management. They reported to me that Kiss was looking to tour this Summer and wanted to add a different artistic element to the group. They’d seen a YouTube clip of me playing with Honky Tonkitis and felt that I would be a good match for their band.”

When asked why he had decided to make the abrupt musical departure with Honky Tonkitis on the verge of touring around the release of their new album, Hansen said, “I'm just looking for an artistic change of pace. I wanted to stretch my musical boundaries and allow my violin skills to be appreciated by a different and larger audience than what I’d been doing in Honky Tonkitis. I feel like Kiss is allowing me to really expand my musical talent.”

Pressed for specifics about his artistic involvement with Kiss, Hansen said, “Things have moved so fast that they haven’t been able to detail too much at this point. But they have done a costume fitting and shown me a couple of models of the violin I’ll be playing. It’s a cross between a Stradivarius and a medieval sword. At one point during the show I’ll be taking a spotlight solo on Calling Dr. Love. At the end of the solo my violin will burst into flames and I will swallow the sword-section of it. Black blood will then gush from my mouth as fireworks shoot out of the Stradivarius section.”

Hansen in his Kiss make-up persona of “Pippi StarDemon.”

What a great clip! Never knew there were any black and white TV clips of Buck and the Buckaroos. How the heck did they mic the performers? They don't even have vocal mics, and yet it's totally clear sounding and obviously being played live! Gotta love these live recordings.

Plus, after the Buck clips, you've got Jimmy Dean doing a duet of Midnight with Molly Bee. Man, listen how good that upright bass sounds!

In addition, Bruce got pointed to a great article about Buck's history. Follow this link for some great info:

http://www.vintageguitar.com/3458/buck-owens-and-the-buckaroos/

In a surprise move Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced he was cutting off funds for honky tonk band, Honky Tonkitis.

"I've warned the group over and over that they needed to start writing better songs. I even gave them a $1.25 million tax incentive to write better songs. And what have they done? Written some more crappy songs about drinking beer."

The band seemed unprepared for this turnabout by Wisconsin's governor.

"I know we'd been getting a monthly check for $1.57," lead singer Johnny Maplewood commented, "and that I'd get a five percent discount every time I shopped at Wal-Mart. I just thought that was happenstance, or a smiley-faced special or something."

The Governor continued the get-tough attitude in his speech: "The days of honky tonk welfare are over. If you're not willing to work with this administration, you will find your honky tonk band at the end of a very long line. Going forward, we are doubling taxes on all beer purchased by members of this group. Let that be a lesson to others who continue to spurn us."

"We had hoped the band would listen and move in more of a George Jones musical direction as we had suggested. Well, I'm here to say, I've got at least four George Jones albums and have seen him in concert. You, my friends, are no George Jones."

Drummer Kurt Weber had this to say: "I was using that buck-fifty-seven to buy Ramen noodles at the Wal-Mart every month! And now the price of my Pabst has doubled? If that doesn't get us sounding like George Jones, I don't know what will!"

This duo had a couple of great diddies that walked the line between country and rockabilly, the tune here...I Can't Find the Doorknob...being their closest to rockabilly. Thankfully, a YouTube poster named HillbillyBoogie provided a bio we couldn't find anywhere else:

Jimmy & Johnny were an American country music duo composed of Jimmy Lee Fautheree and Johnny "Country" Mathis. They scored several hits on the U.S. country charts in the 1950s.

The duo's career began on the radio show Louisiana Hayride, where both were in demand as guests. They also appeared on the Big D Jamboree. In 1951 they were signed to Capitol Records; they also recorded for Feature Records and Chess Records. Their biggest hit was 1954's "If You Don't Somebody Else Will", which reached No. 4 on the U.S. country charts.

Johnny was later replaced by Jimmy's brother, Lynn Fautheree; but the name of the duo did not change, as the producers feared a career slump. Lynn brought the group's style closer to rockabilly with songs such as "Sweet Love on My Mind," "What'cha Doin' to Me" and "Sweet Singing Daddy". They played with Faron Young's group, the Deputies, and sometimes on the Grand Ole Opry, in addition to continuing to appear regularly on Louisiana Hayride.

At the end of the 1950s, after the Fautherees moved back to Texas, Lynn exited and Mathis returned to the duo, and they recorded together until 1961. In 1995, Johnny & Jimmy reunited for the first time since 1961, and released the gospel single "It Won't Be Much Longer".

Johnny Cash Saturday! We never saw this show before. This is great!

In shocking news today, local accordion player Don Turner of the group Honky Tonkitis was arrested on federal racketeering charges. FBI agents led a pre-dawn raid of Turner's small apartment, arresting Turner, four unnamed scantily-clad females and at least five exotic birds.

"Giuseppe Turner has been on our radar for many months now," FBI agent Guy Fiorentini announced, "We've just been waiting for the perfect time to move forward with his arrest." According to Agent Fiorentini, Turner has long been an active leader in the underworld extortion of accordion players for money, sex and illegal drugs. Said Fiorentini, "This is one Mafia Don whose days of extorting innocent accordion players is over."

Johnny Maplewood, lead singer of Honky Tonkitis, reacted with shock and horror. "His real name's Giuseppe? But I thought it was Don! I didn't know he was Don Giuseppe! Good God! All those mafia jokes I told the band! No wonder Don never laughed." Maplewood said he had immediate plans to go into hiding.

Turner's only comments during  the arrest were, "Maplewood's dead to me! Dead!"

"Don" Giuseppe Turner may no longer be smiling when he thinks about his accordion business.

This is just a great song by Webb Pierce. It totally explains why he could own a swimming pool like this:

 Or a car like this, customized for $20,000 by Nudie Cohn:

Local band Honky Tonkitis has been informed that a baseball game has helped resolve the issue of their missing bass player.

More than two years ago, Jason Ploetz, bass player for the local group Honky Tonkitis, went missing. At the time, police and FBI were brought in to investigate.

"I know all the members of the band got thoroughly grilled by law inforcement," singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "And personally, I was anally probed. I think they went a little too far, but I made a few new friends."

Until yesterday, investigators were no further along in finding out what happened to Ploetz. It wasn't until Monday's opening day Milwaukee Brewers' radio broadcast that new information came to light. According to police, Brewers' play-by-play announcer Bob Uecker was in the middle of his broadcast when he diverged from a standard on-air promotion for Usingers Sausage.

"Y'know, whenever I'm watching a game like today's, and I want to throw something good on the grill, I'll grab me a slice of Jason Ploetz outta the fridge and toss him right on those glowing coals," Uecker is reported to have broadcast. "Whether it's a finger, an arm link, maybe a bit of buttock, man, it cooks up  tasty. Throw it on a toasted bun with a bit of ketchup, some sweet mustard, a little sauerkraut, mmm-mm! That Ploetz tastes great! Nothing better. I can't wait for that next homeless bass player to stop by my door for dinner!"

Attempts by others in the announcing booth to correct his statement were met with protests by Uecker: "No! Not Usingers! Jason Ploetz! Something about them honky tonk bass players makes for great eating! Just konk 'em on the back of the head, bleed 'em dry and get out the sausage grinder! Mmm-mm! That's good eating!"

Uecker was taken into custody later in the game. Uecker did not help his position when he argued with police, "C'mon! I'll let you have what's left of his brain! It's great! It's tender! Grill it rare, slap a little barbecue sauce on it, it can't be beat with a side of corn and beans!"

Bail for Uecker is currently withheld.

When asked if the ongoing investigation would impact the newly-erected Ueker statue at Miller Park, an unnamed stadium official responded, "It doesn't really matter. We'll just rededicate it to Rickie Weeks or Bud Selig or somebody. We'll probably just throw names in a hat and pick one out next week. It's not like that statue even resembled Uecker."

The Brewers went on to win the opener against the Colorado Rockies, 5 to 4.

Bob Uecker: What's for dinner?

A couple weeks ago we came up with a new song called, I Love Trashy Women. We thought we were so unique and different and boundry-pushing. Talking to an elderly couple, we mention this song and they say, "Oh, we used to dance to that!" Whaa? How is that possible? Because, as we should've known, anything done in Country music has already been done, and done in a non-threatening way. Sheesh. We'll go crawl back under our sheltered rocks now.

Lead singer and bassist Johnny Maplewood of the band Honky Tonkitis, announced that he will be checking into a local hospital for serious surgery early next week.

"I have a brain condition that's been worsening over the last year or so, and after multiple referrals and examinations, I've finally found a doctor who believes he can operate," Maplewood said.

In this case, Maplewood is pursuing the exploratory surgery in an effort to have the John Denver song, "Country Roads," removed from his head.

"It's been there for years and years now, slowly but inexorably eroding areas of my brain. It's a cancer really. I can't even hear of the state West Virginia without immediately thinking, 'Mountain Mama.'"

Maplewood said that his surgeon promises a quick recovery. "He only thinks it'll take me about a week to recover before they can take me home, country roads."

Johnny Cash Saturday! We could probably endlessly run these Town Hall Party show vids because they are so great. A chance to see Johnny Cash and the Tennessee Three (or was it Tennessee Two at the time? or Five in this show, since he gets supplemented by the house band). Whatever the case, these are the best.

Local band, Honky Tonkitis, announced that they will be releasing their newest album on Monday.

"We're so excited to be able to put out a new album," lead singer and bassist Johnny Maplewood announced, "It's only been ten months since we put out our last album, Alcohol & Heartbreak, but our creative juices have been flowing, so this new album flew right out of us."

"This is probably the best thing I've ever done," accordionist Don Turner added, "I don't think it's true of the rest of the band, but this is by far the best thing I've ever done. When you hear this album, just tune out the rest of the band and listen to the accordion."

The name of the new album is tentatively titled, Alcohol & Heartbreak-Skrillex Style.

"It's basically a remix of the last album by red-hot mixer, Skillex," guitarist Bruce Dean explained, "Except twice as long and three times as headache-inducing. I'm not on the album. I hate it."

Band members explained that they were contacted by master mixer Skrillex after he heard their last album and proclaimed it was the worst thing he'd ever heard.

"He basically told us he could've crapped out something better in an afternoon, so we said, 'Hey, book it on your calendar, we're up for the challenge.' So he started earlier today and just finished it," drummer Kurt Weber elaborated.

"From what I've heard so far, the fiddle playing is really pushed to the front of the mix," fiddle player Tom Hansen commented, "Except that most of it is backwards and has a lot of distortion on it. I'm going to take it home and start practicing it tonight. I'm hoping to have something ready for our show next week."

The band said they were so excited by what they heard that they've decided to forgo an album release party and simply put out the new album Monday.

"When you've got something this hot, you've got to get it in your fans' hands," Maplewood explained, "This is much better than that Deep End of the Bottle disco remix album we did, and way way better than that version of You Drink and Drive Me Crazy where we replaced all the vocals with that Jar Jar Binks voice. Me-sa mooey mooey more hapsy with theesa album."

This may be the new Honky Tonkitis album. No one's really sure.

You can never get enough Marti Brom, so let's get a little more live Marti today. We discovered that there are Marti albums available for sale from her record label in the US. If you go to Ripsaw Records (http://www.ripsawrecords.com/), you can order four of Marti's albums. Too bad they're all out of her album, Snake Ranch. Arguably, that's her best record.

Local songwriter Johnny Maplewood, lead singer for the group Honky Tonkitis, announced plans to write another song about beer.

"It ought to be really catchy, and, y'know, people will like it because it's about beer, or drinking beer, or thinking about drinking beer."

Known for such tunes as Pabst in the Can and Schlitz in the Bottle, Kiss My Heineken, PBR My ASS, and I Am the Ghost of Miller Lite, Maplewood says he's not sure what the new song will be called yet.

"It'll definitely be about beer, I'm just not sure which one yet. I'd like to do one about Leinenkugel's, but I'm having a hard time with the rhymes for it. I mean, 'frugal,' and 'Google," and that's about it."

Maplewood is still contemplating a future that would move his songwriting in another direction.

"I'd like to expand my choice of subjects. I'm thinkin of moving over to writing songs about something like alcoholic candies. Rum balls might be nice. Maybe whiskey truffles," Maplewood mused.

Picked up a bunch of Marti Brom CD's from Rushmor Records in Milwaukee. Marti's the bomb! There's a lot of vids of her on YouTube. We recommend you check them out. Blue Tattoo is one of the best. The  problem is that it's real hard to get ahold of Marti's stuff in the US. Most of it comes out exclusively in Europe and costs a boatload to purchase here. But believe us, her stuff is worth it. She makes it through the Wisconsin area almost every year, primarily making it to the big rockabilly festival in Green Bay. Check her out and buy her stuff. She's consistently great.

Local honky tonk group, Honky Tonkitis, today announced the upcoming release of a book about the band.

Local writer and illustrator Rebecca Trabar, who has published more than forty books in this format, had this to say about the band: "I really respect this band. I did a lot of research into each of the member's background to put this book together. I wanted to accurately reflect each of the members as an individual and the band as a whole. I really think this could bring them to a brand new audience around the world."

"Wow. We're just surprised and really pleased by this," bassist and singer Johnny Maplewood commented. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but we have the greatest of respect for Rebecca. She didn't tell us that she was working on it when she was doing extensive interviews with the band. The fact that someone would go to these lengths to document our group and get this published so quickly is very humbling for us. We're hoping it does well on Amazon. Believe me, we'll be first in line to buy copies for our families."

This was the song we referenced in yesterday's post. Basically, the exact opposite tune to Johnny Cash's later Dirty Old Egg-Sucking Dog. A great tune. It took a bunch of searching to find this accordion version. Not sure if this is Red Foley's first version, but this is the one we remember. He probably rerecorded it a bunch of times, since it was a big hit for him. Love the fact that they rhyme "dim" and "Jim." Who they hell is Jim? Jim Kirk? You've got the captain of the starship Enterprise taking your dog to the doctor?

"Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a vet! And someone put a phaser in this old dog."

Enjoy. Try not to cry.

Johnny Cash Saturday! We love that Johnny Cash had a mean side to him that could record such songs as this. For a guy who also records religious albums, this shows that he could play both sides of the coin. We wonder if any parents bought this album for their kids thinking it would be cute and never bothered to listen to it before letting them have it. That's gonna mess your kid up. As a side note, Maplewood did a mash-up of this song and Red Foley's Old Shep together that one day may see the light of day. It's called, Dirty Old Egg-Sucking Shep. If you've never heard Old Shep before, we'll post it here tomorrow. Basically, the exact opposite of this song.

Local honky tonk group Honky Tonkitis today announced that they've been tapped to record a movie soundtrack.

Drummer Kurt Weber had this statement: "We're very pleased with this announcement. Due to the late notice of having our music added to the film, we're immediately setting to work composing pieces. The entire band is reviewing both the script and early footage to get a feel of the cadence and emotion required for the music. It will take a lot of work and a lot of creativity, but we think we're up for the challenge. We hope to have the music written and recorded in time to meet the requested deadlines."

Members of Honky Tonkitis were unsure whether they would be making a cameo appearance in the film, although they said they had high hopes.

At this time, no formal release date has been set for the film, tentatively titled, Suzee's Silky Backdoor Action 3.

As we ran through a couple of new songs in practice last night, we tried one called, I'm Laughing All the Way to the Bar. Usually done as a kind of polka, no one had told Kurt that, and he launched into a drum beat very reminiscent of Waylon Jennings' Good Hearted Woman. After the smoke cleared, we realized that the music and lyrics actually worked perfectly for that kind of arrangement and decided to leave it like that. Then we wasted ten minutes discussing the difference between 60's country and 70's country and 80's country and disco. Music geek talk got out of hand. Shut up and drink a beer.

So, at some date in the near future, if you see us live (or buy the next album we put out), you'll hear that song and probably think, "Waylon Jennings?" Well, close enough.

Tom Hanson, long time fiddle player for Honky Tonkitis, announced Thursday that he is leaving the band.

"Although I've thoroughly enjoyed my time with Honky Tonkitis, I've finally mended fences with my brothers, and they've asked me to join their band immediately." Hanson said.

Hanson was referring to the musical group, Hanson, consisting of brothers Taylor, Zac and Isaac Hanson, most famous for their 1997 hit, "MMMBop."

That chart-smashing hit caused the initial fracture between Hanson and his brothers. The fiddle player walked away from the group when they refused to give him credit for writing the tune. Tom Hanson said that personal reasons lead to his departure as well.

"They refused to call me by anything other than my stage name, 'Stucco,'" Hanson said. This, combined with elimination of all violin parts on the Top Forty hit song, lead brother Tom to quit the group just as the Hanson musical star was ascending.

"I was sick of their behavior and was ready to prove that I could make stars out of any old crap band. That's when I joined Honky Tonkitis." Hanson concluded. "At this point my brothers and I have grown and matured both personally and musically. I think they're better able to recognize the musical contributions I could bring to their band."

Later Thursday Zac Hanson announced in a press conference: "We're delighted to have our brother Stucco joining us on this tour. We're not sure what he's going to do yet, run a spotlight or sell t-shirts or something, but we've really missed him over the years."

Here's one by a guy we haven't heard of much, although the sound quality of the recording is great. Really clear and well-mixed. Sounds way ahead of its time, even though it was probably recorded without any tracking. Enjoy.

We had a request to post the lyrics to our version of I've Been Everywhere (Wisconsin style), so here they are. Learn them for the next show and you can take Johnny Maplewood's place singing that song.

I've was totin' my pack along the dusty old Wisconsin road

When along came a Schneider with a high and canvas covered load

"If you're going through old Wisconsin, mack, with me you can ride"

So I climbed into the cab and then I settled down inside

He asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand

And I said, "Listen, bud, I've traveled every road in this here land."

I've been everywhere, man, I've been everywhere man

I've crossed the cornfields there, man, I've breathed the dairy air, man

Of travel I"ve had my share, man, I've been everywhere

Been to Monroe, Osseo, Trego, Kaukauna, Peshtigo, Cottage Grove, Shawano and Menasha

Tomah, Sparta, Ottawa, Navarino, Wausau, Waukesha, Genoa, and Oneida

Mauston, Stoughton, Sheboygan, and Kenosha, Wauwatosa, Onalaska, Lake Geneva, I'm a killer

Crandon, Appleton, Chilton, Cheguamegon, Madison, Milton, Dousman, Sturtevant

Sturgeon Bay, Sister Bay, Green Bay, Kashena, Lake Mills, Reedsville, Gays Mills, Nashotah

Genessee, Ozaukee, Milwaukee, Shell Lake, Green Lake, Rib Lake, Random Lake, for Pete's sake

Saukville, Thiensville, Janesville, Palmyra, Pardeeville, Clintonville, Boscobel and Menasha

Plainfield, Marshfield, Deerfield, Kickapoo, Beaver Dam, Merrimac, Fond du Lac, Waterloo

Antigo, Trempaleau, Reeedsville, Platteville, Schnappsville, Montello, see what I mean, fella

Grantsburg, Oostburg, Newburg, Winnebago, Hayward, Crawford, Reedsburg, Richland Center

Two Rivers, Fall River, Eagle River, Whitewater, Oakfield, Bayfield, Greenfield, Hales Corners

Ledgeview, Waterloo, Little Chute, Glenwood City, Plum City, Fountain City, Sauk City, what a pity

Thanks again to the mighty Radovichy for posting an old honky tonk song on YouTube we never would have heard if not for him. This is a great one.

Johnny Cash Saturday! We love these old live vids of Johnny and the band. Although this vid is ID'd as from the Grand Ole Opry, we're not sure if that's correct. Maybe they had their own TV show. Anybody with more info is welcome to give us feedback. Check out those hotties by the fireplace.

Good Lord, it's Friday and there's no funny article. The masses are crushed. Sorry. We're still recovering from Tom not being elected pope. We were hoping it would jack up the number of people who turned out for shows. But then Tom would've got all, "I'm the closest thing to God you'll ever know," and we'd have to fire him for sounding like an ex-girlfriend.

March is crazy busy for all of us Honky Tonkians personally, so we aren't playing any shows this month, but we are working up new tunes in preparation for a new album. Here's some of the songs we've got so far.

       Mesera Mesera, Una Cerveza Mas (this one's already been performed live)

       You're Making Love While I'm Making Whine (this one's already been performed live)

       I'm Sold on Heartache

       I Love Trashy Women (Don's fave. "It's the story of my life!")

       Morning Beer (Sounds like the Monkees if they were a honky tonk band. Wait, they weren't?)

       Take Hold of Me Tonight

       My Baby Got A Sex Change to Get Rid of Me

We may have a few of these worked up for our April 12th show. Another reason to come out and see us that night.

There's more new tunes in the pipeline. The band just has to figure them out, ditch the ugly ones, and work out the good ones.

This is a great Mel Tillis song, one of our top three faves by Mel Tillis. On the downside, this is a terrible sounding version of it, but what are you going to do? Everybody open your window and scream, "YouTube, you let me down!" Hell, go buy a download of the song. Mel's still alive, he'll appreciate the money.

Members of local band Honky Tonkitis were shocked to discover that their fiddle player, Tom Hansen, has been mentioned on the short list of individuals who could potentially become the next pope of the Roman Catholic Church.

"Holy crap! Do they have any idea what Tom does in his off-time?" lead singer Johnny Maplewood blurted out in the group's quickly-organized press conference. "Half that stuff probably breaks commandments! And I haven't even mentioned the cats yet!"

"I'm actually quite proud for Tom," accordion player Don Turner injected. "Having him as pope could go a long way towards clearing a lot of my record. Plus, I'd be good for a new loan or two, and have a place to shack when everybody else kicks me out. Plus, those Catholics always have a lotta wine. I'm all for this."

"I'm humbled that the Vatican is even considering me," Hansen said after hearing the news, "I've always considered myself papal material, even though I'm not Catholic, I was a spokesperson for Shlungen, the IKEA brand of condoms, I was sponsored by Old Pope Whiskey on a couple tours, and I performed on Slayer's album, AntiChrist Pregnancy Test. I guess the Cardinals gathered in Rome have been able to look past that. Although I highly doubt I'll be chosen. Jerks."

With that, Hansen made the sign of the cross over the throng of reporters and walked back into the bar.

Tom Hansen: Too popped to Pope?

Well, here's one that Country Honky Tonkitis likes. Just ignore what Dubstep Honky Tonkitis says, they don't know nothing. Having said that, we wonder why Country Johnny Mathis just didn't add his middle name...Lee...like Jerry Lee Lewis did to keep people from getting confused with a French artist. But pfah. Whatever. Have you heard that new album from Reggae Honky Tonkitis?

This week, Rolling Stone magazine announced that Honky Tonkitis has now unseated singer Morrissey to gain the title for "most depressing songs on the planet."

"Yes! I am SO stoked! In your face, Morrissey!" Lead singer and songwriter Johnny Maplewood shouted while high-fiving guitarist Chris Conrad at a local bar. "It's about time! There's only so many songs a guy can write about getting drunk and losing your woman. I knew it was only a matter of time before I took that mope down. I wish I had money to buy another drink!"

Morrissey, famous for such melancholy hits as "You Have Killed Me," "One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell," "Hairdresser on Fire," and "Disappointed," was beaten out by Honky Tonkitis tunes like, "Daddy Smells Like Alcohol and Heartbreak," "I Spell Divorce," "Stop Playing Lawn Darts on My Heart," and "I Hope I Don't Get the Clap Tonight."

Morrissey, interviewed as he left his Los Angeles mansion surrounded by throngs of screaming fans, commented, "My soul is burned." 

Morrissey: Has he finally hit the wall?

The band's #1 goal from now on is to get on this TV show as soon and as often as possible.

Johnny Cash Saturday! We've never seen this particular clip. We always thought that JC truly did have to get to the train n a home-made boat. Maybe it's true, maybe it just makes a good story. Whatever the case, this is a great performance of the tune, although we wish that Marshall and Luther were in view.

Accordion player Don Turner of local band Honky Tonkitis was arrested at a local tavern Thursday night, charged with assault.

"He had it coming," Turner said as he was escorted into the back of the police car by police.

According to statements taken by police later, Turner reported he was drinking at a local bar when the Cookie Monster of Sesame Street fame approached Turner and sat next to him at the bar.

"He was nice enough to begin with," Turner stated, "He was telling me about the speed metal band that he sang for and what a pain his neighbors, Burt and Ernie, were. He seemed a nice enough guy."

Turner said that for several minutes the two engaged in conversation and every thing seemed fine.

"Then all of a sudden I hear 'Nom nom nom' and I look over and realize the blue S.O.B. has eaten my cookies," Turner commented. "Nobody else was around. The bartender hadn't been by since we got our last round of drinks. Nobody else came near us. And that was only my first drink."

It was at this point that a confrontation ensued.

"Look," Turner said, "I know when I've eaten my own cookies or not. And that blue jerk had my freakin' cookie crumbs on his lips. I confronted him and he denied eating them. I told him to look me in the eye and say that again, but with those weird googly eyes of his, who knows if he was even looking at me."

At this point the confrontation escalated.

"He gets up and starts to walk away, probably searching for somebody else with cookies, and I grabbed him and said, 'nobody eats my cookies.'"

"All he kept muttering under his breath was, 'C is for cookie, that's good enough for me.'"

"I replied, 'Yeah? Well F is for fist, and that's good enough for me.'"

Turner reported this was the point he began to punch and kick the Cookie Monster.

The blue monster is currently in the hospital suffering a concussion and multiple contusions to the body, along with several broken bones.

"Look, the police say 'stand your ground' with these kinds of guys. Those were my cookies. I was standing my ground. No blue freak is going to get away with eating my cookies."

The District Attorney in charge of the investigation had not yet decided whether to press charges against Turner.

Cookie Monster: currently in intensive care

Damned if Dale Watson and his band don't sound dead-on like early Johnny Cash and the Tennessee Two in this vid. This guy is great. Buy his album, The Sun Sessions.

We're too poor and have too little time on our hands to create a YouTube video for this, so instead, we thought we'd just compile the list here. This is our list of Schlitz Girls Say to Honky Tonk Bands:

Do you play any Kenny Chesney?

You guys should all wear cowboy hats.

Do you play any songs I know?

I should be your singer. I'm a really good singer.

My cousin's band knows ALL Garth Brooks' songs!

The mix sounds...weird.

Can you sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

If you guys were better looking you'd be really popular.

Can I sing happy birthday to my friend on stage?

Five bucks! You guys aren't worth paying five bucks!

Can you guys turn down?

Do you guys know any Ke$ha?

But I was already here drinking! I shouldn't have to pay!

Have you guys ever done popular music?

You guys should have uniforms.

Why don't any of you guys wear chaps?

That one guy in your band is...weird.

Do you know any good country music? Like the Eagles?

You guys would be totally hot if you were younger.

Do you play any songs we can dance to?

Bands never make me pay to get in!

Kenny Chesney is totally NOT gay! He was married to Renee whats-her-name.

You know who'd really like your guys' music? My grandpa. He's dead.

This song's on Dale Watson's latest album, El Rancho Azul. We highly recommend you buy it. This version probably outshines the album version, but that's the case with all great artists, which explains why they're popular in the first place. Hard to bottle the magic. Enjoy this one. We do.

The Milwaukee District Attorney's office dropped multiple murder charges against local fiddle player, Tom Hanson, after it was determined that the search warrant was incorrectly served. Hanson plays with local group, Honky Tonkitis.

"This is a miscarriage of justice," Police Department chief Ed Flynn declared Wednesday. "This psychotic deviant was able to slip out of these charges through some legal mumbo-jumbo. By all rights, he should be sitting in a jail cell awaiting a trial that would have put him away for ten lifetimes."

Milwaukee Police were serving a search warrant on Hanson in regard to the unsolved cases of ten murder victims, all strangled through the use of a violin string. According to unnamed Police sources, the evidence found in Hanson's house was damning.

Police Chief Flynn was hesitant to give further details on the case. "As of now, I've been asked by the DA's office to limit my comments on any suspects. But I can tell you that our prime suspect's name rhymes with 'Mom Manson.'"

Hanson had very little to say with regard to the ongoing case. "I have a show this Friday night. Can I have my bloody strings back?"

Gah. This is a total and complete abomination. Yes, nothing says hard working man's blues like a bunch of gogo dancing chicks. Tennessee Ernie Ford has an awesome voice, but ouch, we hope he recanted this one on his death bed.

Johnny Cash Saturday! This isn't as good a version of Sixteen Tons as we would've expected from JC. Lots of 80's overproduction. Somewhere out there is a live version, we're sure, that he delivers in a much better version, although there is a live version from the Grammy Awards that mirrors this one. Oh well. Just remember: Johnny Cash can grow a 'stache.

At a Honky Tonkitis press conference Friday, Don Turner, accordion player for the group, announced he will be leaving the band for a better opportunity.

"I'd been hearing around town that the Empire's looking for some new blood. And I just feel like things aren't taking off with this band. I mean, I've given it a year. I'm thinking of leaving before Harvest," Turner announced.

Lead singer Johnny Maplewood tried to interject at this point: "Don, Harvest is when I need you the most. Only one season more. This year we'll make enough on the harvest that I'll be able to hire another accordion player, and then you can go to the Empire next year. You must understand, I need you here, Don."

But Turner seemed reluctant to change his mind. "I've heard they've got some new construction going on and they're looking for guys like me who can handle a trash compactor or a cell block. Heck, I even dig the white uniforms, and the helmets are really supposed to help people with allergies."

"It's not that I like the Empire; I hate it," Turner stated at the conclusion of the press conference, "but right now, in a down economy, they're hiring like crazy, and I just can't overlook such a good offer."

It's Thursday, so we need some live George Jones. This is a great one.

Papers have been filed in civil court by Johnny Maplewood, lead singer of local band Honky Tonkitis, against his band.

According to papers filed, Maplewood is sueing his own band after they refused to allow him to let half of their upcoming album be comprised of ballads.

"What can I say?" Maplewood replied when contacted about the lawsuit, "I'm at a much more sensitive and contemplative period in my life. I have a desire to write and sing songs that are more mellow and which cover issues other than alcohol, alcohol, alcohol. I've moved on to subjects such as getting your feelings hurt, longing for someone, or enjoying having a kitten curled up on your lap."

"The guy's gone frickin' out of his mind," accordion player Don Turner replied when contacted.

Anybody who knows us knows that first and foremost we're big music fans. That's why we're excited today, because the Mavericks have put out a new album! We've got our copy already. Check out one of their new tunes below.

Producers for the upcoming Honky Tonkitis: the Movie have signed Johnny Depp to play the part of Kurt Weber, the drummer for the group.

Depp commented: "I've always been a great admirer of Kurt's work. I really want to do my best to reflect the deep sensitivity and intelligence that Kurt delivers, both in his playing and in his stage presence."

When asked about Depp portraying him, Weber responded, "Yeah, I don't get out to see movies much. What stuff would I have seen him in?"

Great song titles are great song titles. There aren't that many recent artists that continue to do that with the creative spark of the old days, but here's one where they do. Great tune. Would love to add this to the Honky Tonkitis repertoire.

Johnny Cash Saturday! We love these early early film/TV shots of Johnny Cash and the Tennessee Two. It's live (for real) and shows you just how exciting they were to see in a live setting. You can easily see why they were such a big draw. 

Tom Hansen, fiddle player for local band Honky Tonkitis made this announcement Thursday:

"I've been living with a secret these past three years that I must now reveal: I'm haunted by the ghost of Kenny Loggins."

When it was reported to Hansen that Kenny Loggins was not dead, he replied, "Of course not. He's all right, no one has to worry about him, because he can never truly die. He haunts me day by day."

Upon further elaboration to Hansen that Kenny Loggins was still alive and touring, Hansen said, "Indeed, he tours the spirit world telling those of us on the physical plane to 'Celebrate Me Home' and 'Cut Loose, Footloose.'"

When shown video of Kenny Loggins performing the previous weekend, Hanson teld reporters, "He's taken a ride into the danger zone, one which allows even his spirit to be recorded on film."

Hansen concluded: "Time, time and again I see Kenny Loggins staring down at me with those angry eyes. It's a heavy burden."

Here's another great song title that really drives a great tune. Although written and originally recorded by Tommy Collins, we decided to put this Johnny Duncan version here, although Tommy's is just as good. There's a couple of different versions of this song. But this is a classic. Enjoy.

Members of local group Honky Tonkitis announced Tuesday that their website had been hacked.

"We were surprised to see that some unknown party had breached security on our website sometime this past Monday and done malicious damage to our website," singer Johnny Maplewood announced.

Members of the group found that spelling and grammar errors on the site had been corrected, files had been properly organized and cleaned up, and that incorrect references had been fixed.

"I feel violated," accordion player Don Turner commented, "and not the good kind of violated that leaves me not wanting to take a shower for about a week."

"That these sick individuals would go in and clean up after us and make our website better, more organized, faster moving, and easier to use...I just feel so angry," guitarist Bruce Dean added. "Who are they to think they're my mother?"

Singer Johnny Maplewood said that they had called on police to investigate. "Who did this...Anonymous, the Chinese Army, Bruce Dean's mom...we just want you to know: we're coming for you."

Following on yesterday's post, we're looking at songs this week where the title makes the song. As we said yesterday, some songs are just written by themselves once you get the title. This one's interesting because it's in 6/8 (waltz) time.

Thanks to all of you who turned out last Saturday night for our show with Doghouse Flowers. That was one of the best music match-ups yet at Kochanski's. We look forward to hearing (and buying) the DF's CD when it comes out in the spring. By all means, like those guys on Facebook and keep up with them. You'll be glad you did.

Thanks to our "random drinker from the crowd," Shaun Mathey, for coming up and playing drums on two songs. See what you missed? You too, could have been playing a song with Honky Tonkitis.

Not something we usually do on Mondays, but hey, we missed Sunday while we were sleeping in. So here's an example of a honky tonk song that simply can't miss, just due to the title. Once you get the title, the rest is easy.

Johnny Cash Saturday. Here's a great Johnny Cash performance.

Local band Honky Tonkitis announced Thursday that effective immediately, Ace Frehley, former lead guitarist of Kiss, will be replacing Bruce Dean on guitar.

"We are so stoked, we can barely hold our urine!" drummer Kurt Weber exclaimed. "This is something we've wanted for, like, ever!"

"We've been asking and asking and asking Ace to play with us, and at the last minute, he finally said 'yes,'" fiddle player Tom Hansen gushed. "Granted, he doesn't know the songs, he's never practiced with us, he hasn't ever heard the songs, and he doesn't even know what we look like, but he's still willing to play with us."

"It took a lot of talking and convincing and, well, money, but we're so excited to have Ace on stage with us this Saturday night. He also promised that if we threw in an extra five thousand dollars, he'd wear his Kiss costume and make-up! I've never been more proud of this band!" singer and bass player Johnny Maplewood gushed.

Not all regular members of the band were happy about the announcement.

"I've busted my hump for the last two months learning all of this band's songs and they throw me over at the last minute for Ace Frehley?" guitarist Bruce Dean lamented. "To tell you the truth, I'd quit in a heartbeat, except they promised that I could be Ace's guitar tech for the show."

Last time we'll say it: Doghouse Flowers will be sharing the dueling stages with us this Saturday night at Kochanski's! Here's one of them playing a Lefty Frizzell cover. Hope to see you this Saturday night.

In shocking news Tuesday, Pope Benedict of the Roman Catholic Church announced he was retiring immediately from local band Honky Tonkitis.

"Holy crap!" singer Johnny Maplewood shouted after hearing the news. "He's our mandolin player! We were counting on him for this Saturday's show! What the hell are we gonna do now?"

The first German pope in the history of the Roman Catholic Church gave no reason for why he was leaving the group, other than to say that he was tired and needed to spend time resting and praying.

"I always thought he was a little unhappy with the band," fiddle player Tom Hansen commented. "Our language could get a little salty at the bar shows and he didn't feel like he was getting paid enough for gigs. Plus, he was getting a little sick of Johnny always genuflecting at him after he finished a solo."

"All I know is that I'm not ready to play the show with him gone," new guitarist Bruce Dean added. "I just joined this band in January and I'm still trying to sort out all the parts. I was still leaning on the Pope's playing to get me through a number of songs. That dude picked a fine time to up and leave. If he's looking for a special dispensation from me, he ain't gonna get it."

"It's definitely going to leave a big hole in our live show," drummer Kurt Weber concluded. "I mean, yeah, his mandolin playing will be missed, but mostly because he was always encased in that bulletproof glass bubble on stage at all our gigs."

You won't see this honky tonk hat at shows any more.

We're playing with these guys this Saturday! Check them out!

Last weeek we moved up to a newer version of the Hostbaby Site Builder. Although it's got a lot of positives, we're still working to clean up stuff and make it work more smoothly. Bear with us as we work out the kinks. Let us know if anything in particular isn't working well for you. Thanks.

Here's a great one we'd never heard before. Stylistically, a bit different than the honky tonk tunes of the time.

 “Yeah, we made a good run at it, but Nashville just wasn't ready for Johnny and the Saplings.”  Maplewood recalled stories of the Nashville Jam Band Scene “before it was a scene”.  Maplewood continues, “We had a few good songs, but the powers that be on music row just didn’t wanna hear about it”.

“It stands to reason that a tune like Suzie Don’t be a Deadhead just wasn’t gonna fly after The Dead stopped touring and well, it just wasn’t gonna work” said Toys Landwater [@toys.landwater] when contacted while on tour as road manager for the World Midget Wrestling Championships.  “Yeah, those were the days alright” 

“It’s all about timing” said drummer of the Saplings Pete Cheesums.......  

Funeral services were scheduled for Saturday. Doctors confirmed the diagnosis of brain death for Maplewood when he announced he would be willing to sing Kenny Chesney selections at the wake.

The remaining  members of Honky Tonkitis have not yet announced a replacement.

Maplewood: Have country roads finally taken him home?

Doghouse Flowers will be playing with us on Saturday, Feb. 16th at Kochanski's. Check out the vid below. SHOCKER: Our accordion player, Don Turner, makes a surprise appearance in the video thirty-eight seconds in! That guy's always trying to steal the limelight

Fiddle player Tom Hansen of local group Honky Tonkitis has a new reason to smile this week: He's going home with a lot of fans.

"Well, my action figure is, at least," Hansen says with a grin.

In fact, Hansen's action figure has been outselling the rest of the Honky Tonkitis action figures combined.

"The man's a whore," singer Johnny Maplewood rudely commented.

"He's rigging the system by buying them himself," accordion player Don Turner added.

"Except for the five I bought," Maplewood countered. "Hey Tom, you know why I smell like burnt plastic? 'Cos I threw them all in the fire last night, I hate you so much."

If sales of the Hansen doll continue at the current rate, the action figure should sell out by the end of the week.

"Sold out, hunh? See? There's another way it's just like you, Tom," drummer Kurt Weber injected.

Hansen had his own theories why his action figure generated such greater sales.

"I think it's just that people see themselves as the fiddle player. Young kids want to be in that role in a honky tonk band."

"It's because your doll's the only one that's not anatomically correct," Guitarist Bruce Dean snapped back, "They strip the clothes off the doll right away and wonder what the hell's wrong with you."

Tom Hansen action figure: What kids want from a honky tonk band?